Seriously, Lady?

Holy S - I was in and out of the waiting room from 8:15AM to 1:15PM today. I guess I need to get used to tons of waiting and poking.

First stop was Dr. M's office where I had routine CD2-4 blood work (E2 and FSH) and an ultrasound. The nurse called me in for blood work around 8:45. I was not pleased - it was the same nurse who jacked up my arm last time.

Nurse: You're here to start an IVF cycle?
Me: Yes
Nurse (does some shit, then comes back): You're here for pregnancy?
Me (thinking): What in the fuck does that mean? A pregnancy test? I just told you IVF...
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
Nurse: You're trying to get pregnant?
Me: 

Me: Yes. Yes I am.
Nurse: That's nice. You're about the same age as my daughter. That's a great age to get pregnant. She has two kids - a four year old and 7 month old. It worked out perfect for her.
Me: More Ron Weasley stares.

A) I mean, I know I could have been there for egg donation but wouldn't it have been safer to assume that I was "here for pregnancy"? B) How nice for your daughter. I thought having a baby at 28 would be perfect too. That's why I started trying to get pregnant 18 months ago. In case you forgot, I'm here for IVF so things didn't really work out so well for me.

Luckily, despite the overwhelming nerves, I was in a good mood this morning so it didn't really bug me too much. I could see how that conversation could be very hurtful to someone having a bad day. Why would she think that was a good topic for small talk?

Anyway, next up was my ultrasound. The technician told me that she thinks she saw at least 8 follicles on each ovary. That's an AFC of at least 16! I'm happy with that number. It looks like that's right on the edge of good and great, so hopefully there's a few extras that she couldn't see or didn't count which would put me in the "great" category. (Side note: How do you find the balance between being informed and avoiding Dr. Google scare tactics?)

Finally we spent 1.5 hours at the lab to do some more blood work. Once the results of my AMH test get sent to Dr. M's office, Nurse Jacki will call me with my initial protocol and BCP start time. She said she's 100% sure that I'll be taking BCPs either way, so as long as nothing looks crazy I should start them tonight and take them for 18 days. Fingers crossed!

The bills are already pilling up. My insurance only covers prescriptions from contracted providers and Dr. M is not on their list. My AMH and Indirect Coombs tests were not covered and I have six or seven more prescription drugs to pick up. I'm going to have to do some shopping around before I pick those up. I hate shopping.

Change of plans!

Well after talking (and more talking) and a lot of good luck in the form of a slightly longer (for me) cycle, Seth and I have decided to start prepping for IVF this month. I'm not really sure what made Seth change his mind - he just said that he realized that what I was saying in terms of timing made sense.

When he told me he was ready, I panicked a little bit. I had been feeling so confident that this was the right decision, but actually making the call to pursue IVF was a little scary. I felt sick - kind of like I was about to give a big presentation or take an important exam. I still feel 100% confident that this the right choice for us. We've had 19 cycles with great timing plus surgery. It's time to do something and IVF makes the most sense for us.

So here we go! Friday was CD1 for me. Tomorrow, CD4, I'll go in to the clinic for some blood work and an ultrasound to check my antral follicle count (AFC) again. It was 14 last time so I hope it's still decent. We also have to sign our contract. After that, Seth and I will go to another lab so that I can check my AMH level again (2.4 last time). They're also doing an indirect Coombs test since my blood type is A-. Seth just needs to do the infectious disease panel. On Thursday, I'll go back to the clinic to see Dr. M. I need to have an exam, a pap test and then we'll do the trial transfer. Nurse Jacki explained that the trial transfer allows Dr. M to make a "road map" of my uterus so that whoever performs the embryo transfer will know what type of catheter to use.

As long as everything looks okay, I will start taking BCPs this week and I'll continue to take them for about 4 weeks. Once all of the results of my testing are in, Dr. M will come up with a protocol for me and NJ will order my meds. I will probably start stimming late January or early February will an egg retrieval (ER) and embryo transfer (ET) in February.

Like I said, I'm nervous. Scared shitless is probably more accurate. There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my head. I think maybe it will start to feel more real after my appointments this week and then I'll be able to relax and bit. Maybe.

Merry Christmas!

I'd like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! 

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday today and tomorrow! 

9 dpo

...and nothing to report. I've had my usual PMS symptoms for a few days now and my temp looks like it's on it's way down, so I'm feeling pretty confident that this cycle was a bust too. My chart is all jacked up due to traveling and the change in climate (from AC to heat).

According to my average LP, I should start my next cycle on Christmas Day or the day after. Last month my LP was only 12 days though so I'm hoping that it happens a little bit early this month too. I'd rather not test since I have no hope and it would be better to be able to enjoy a Christmas cocktail without guilt than to be spending Christmas just waiting for the end. Also, at this point I have very little hope that we'll conceive on our own anyway so bring on the short cycles! I'm so ready for my BCP cycle.

I'm feeling okay though. I've been keeping very busy - shopping with my mom and sisters, walking Binks and Bear in the snow, and wrapping up more end-of-semester bullshit. I also need to get started on my syllabi and lessons for next semester.

I just need to get through the next week or so. I need to get through the holidays and the fake smiles and the "Yes, I'm fine thanks". I need to get through the start of cycle 21 and month 18. I just need to get through it and then I can focus on moving forward. We haven't changed our plans about holding off on prepping for IVF until after next cycle, but I can get started on my pre-IVF stuff soon. Once I get to CD1, I'll call to schedule my mock transfer and pap test and go in to double check my AMH. At least it will feel like we're finally making progress.

And now for some shameless AWing. The snow really works for Binks and Bear. Bear especially looks like such a model in the right photo. He looks like a calendar dog. Is it weird that I'm totally jealous of how photogenic my dogs are?

Are we there yet?

Nope. We're just about halfway there.

I woke up this morning at 4:30. Probably from exam anxiety even though I was giving the test and not taking it. Once the exam was over, I finished up all of the end-of-semester bullshit and hurried home. I got back around 12 and then we started the 1000+ mile drive to my parent's house outside Philadelphia.

I am sooo bored. And really, really uncomfortable. As if sitting on your ass for ten hours doesn't suck enough, traveling triggers my endo pain. Any type of crouching or sitting with my legs at a right angle (or less) to my back causes me more pain than anything else. I can't wait to get out and lay flat in bed.

Banks and Bear are doing well. Binks did a lot of pacing for the first hour, but once he realized that nothing was happening he calmed down. They've been sprawled out napping in the back for most of the day. I'm so jealous. I also feel awful because I completely forgot to give them water. I noticed Binks licking the window and had an Oh shit! moment. Luckily the ice in the cooler melted.

We're going to stop soon (I think we're somewhere in NC) and finish the drive tomorrow - hopefully with only seven hours to go. I'm a little worried because they're supposed to get snow in Philly tomorrow but hopefully the roads won't be too bad by the time we get far enough north for snow and ice. I'm excited for Binks and Bear to see their first snow. I don't know what my Florida dogs will think of it. They love sunshine. I think they get cold in the air conditioning (drives Seth cazy), but they'll probably love it. And I will AW the shit of them like the stage mom that I am.

And now you're as bored as I am. Suckas.

Slow and Steady

Our consult with the IVF nurse was on Wednesday morning. I wasn't really sure what the expect, but it was awesome. I really, really liked the nurse (Nurse Jacki) and I hope I'll get to work with her a lot. During the meeting she went over the entire process so that we both know, more or less, what's going to happen and how everything is handled at the clinic. She also went over everything that we need to have done before we can start prepping for IVF:

1. Repeat CD3 blood work and antral follicle count for me
2. Repeat AMH
3. Send genetic screening results from OB to RE
4. Pap test
5. Infectious disease testing for Seth
6. Fill out consent forms

#1 and #3 can be done on CD2-4 of the cycle that I'm going to start BCPs. For #3, I just need to get my OB's office to fax the results to Nurse Jacki. #2 and #4 can be done on any day before we the BCP cycle. Once Dr. M has all of that information he'll come up with a protocol for me and N.J. will order my meds. (Bonus: We applied to another discount program and we'll get 50% off Gonal-F and Cetrotide!) The consent forms just need to be completed before we start stims.

So, when can we get started? In order to start BCPs on my next cycle, I would need the cycle to start on December 27th or later. That would put CD4 on Monday the 30th and everything would be fine. I'm pretty sure that I ovulated yesterday. That means I'd have to have a 15 day LP. That's probably not going to happen. It's happened a few times for me, but my average is only 13. Last month is was 12.

Even if I DID have a 15 day LP....I don't think Seth is ready. He wants to give it one more try. I get it. I would give anything to be able to get pregnant on our own, without any help, FOR FREE. That would be amazing. I just don't feel like that is going to be a reality for us. Seth is having a harder time accepting that, probably because he's not the one who's been temping and charting and getting a period for the last 17 months. He doesn't feel the build-up of hope and pain, followed by total emptiness. He's also worried about me. He said that he hated seeing me go through surgery and then the MRSA infection and he's not looking forward to seeing me go through the injections and ER. The look on his face when N.J. asked him if he'd be able to give me a trigger shot was priceless. I have faith in him though, he'll be fine.

So that's that. There is no way we're going to start this until Seth is 100% ready. It's going to be hard enough and there's no way I could do it without his full support. That said, I'm disappointed. I know that this is the right decision and I know that 4 extra weeks is not the end of the world, but I'm still bummed and I'm going to need a few days to get over it. I'm going into this with the expectation that if it's going to be successful, it's going to take more than one cycle. I'm afraid that we won't have time to do more than one cycle before we move (and I don't want IF to rule our lives and prevent us from moving home) and I'm afraid we're not going to be able to advantage of the program we're in right now.

For now, I'm just going to focus on trying to enjoy the holidays. My semester is almost over - my class has their final exam on Monday and then we're starting the long drive home. I'm excited to spend time with my family. It would be nice if my next period wasn't due on or around Christmas Day, but that's life and I'll get over it.

Moving forward...soon?

Tomorrow morning we have a consult with the IVF nurse! I'm not really sure what that means. I think she's just going to explain to us how IVF works and what we'll be doing and can (sort of) expect from start to finish. I'm so excited to be making the first step, but I'm not sure how quickly we'll be able to move forward with IVF. According to my cycle average, my next CD1 should be the 25th (yay - happy Christmas). We weren't planning to come home until the 29th (~CD5) so if I need to be in for an ultrasound on CD3 we won't be able to start BCPs.

I know that one month isn't a big deal, but it's still has me a little bummed. I won't be able to start BCPs until the end of January so a retrieval probably wouldn't happen until March. Even after 17 months of TTC, March seems so far away. It also means that we would either have to make the decision to NOT move home in May or to give up the opportunity to continue with IVFs or FETs using our clinic's awesome discount program. We're so fortunate to be in the program and I really want to be able to make the most of it.

Today is CD11 and right now I have zero signs that ovulation is about to happen - no EWCM, no positive OPK. This is a little unusual for me, but I'm not bothered by it - I'm really pumped. I have my fingers crossed so hard that my cycle is just a little bit longer than my normal. Just two days would make a big difference. Three would be better. It would give us some options. Also, ovulating later means there's a better chance that my eggs are fully mature so that's better for trying on our own anyway. We'll just have to wait it out and hope for the best!

Good Fortune

Last night, Seth and I went out for Chinese food. I love getting fortune cookies but I always get shit fortunes. The ones I get aren't even "fortunes", they're just statements. I'm always disappointed. We got our cookies before our meal and I didn't feel like waiting, so I ate my cookie first. This was my fortune:

Okay, fine, another fucking statement but at least this one made me smile. I thought it was really fitting that I got a fortune about hope after we just received our great news and I talked about how hopeful I felt the other day.

Seth's fortune was pretty fitting too:

I'm not sure if I really believe in signs and I'm not sure if I believe that everything happens for a reason. I do believe in looking for the positive or the bright side. For example, if Bear wasn't born with a bad kidney we would probably not have had the opportunity or desire to adopt another dog and we wouldn't have Binky with us now. If I had not been stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship while I was an undergrad, I probably wouldn't have ended up as a Geology major and I never would have met Seth. Those two things - Bear's health and the bad relationship - completely sucked, but I had so happy with how everything turned out that I really can't say that I regret anything that has happened. I would do it all over again as long as it always brings me to where I am now. 

Maybe someday I will feel the same way about IF and the past 16+ months. Someday I'll let go of the anger and the sadness and the cynacism and be able appreciate how much stronger, how much less anxious, and how much more grateful I have become. I really believe that will. I can get through this. I just need to remember to be patient and stay hopeful. 

Hope

That's what showed up in my mailbox today. Hope. For the first time in months, I feel really truly hopeful.

I've been checking my email and our mailbox like a crazy person for the past few days waiting to get a response about our application to our fertility clinic's discount IVF program. They offer a discount (from 10-50%) for teachers, first responders, military personnel, and low income families. I was worried that we would not be accepted because I'm not a full-time teacher/employee.

When I heard the mail truck pull away this afternoon, I had a good feeling. I went out to the mailbox, sorted through the envelopes, and found a standard letter addressed to me with our clinic's logo. I tore open the letter right there in the driveway. And then I started crying.

Right there in bold letters and yellow highlighter were the words telling me that Seth and I qualified for a 45% discount on all IVF-related expenses. 45%!!! That's almost the maximum! That's more than I let myself hope for. I cried for about five minutes, re-read the letter, cried again, read more of the letter to make sure that I read it correctly, and then cried some more. I noticed that the discount didn't include ICIS, assisted hatching, or extended embryo culture but I didn't care. We could handle those extra costs if we needed to. Except then I noticed a second letter in our pile of mail! There was another letter and that one gave us a quote for a second IVF package which DID include all of the extras. The first letter was just the base package, but if we want the extras we get a discount on them as well. If we're fortunate enough to have some frosties, we'll get a discount on frozen embryo transfers too.

I am so happy and so thankful and so fucking relieved. I feel like we have options and a decent chance now. The Attain refund program was just too much money and too much pressure for us to handle right now. This program doesn't offer a refund, but the discount is better and I like that we don't have to pay for things we might not need or get to use. We can take a break whenever we want. This is perfect for us and I am so thrilled.

Seth was out for a walk with the dogs when I opened the letter. I was so excited to tell him. Oddly, the first thing he did when he walked in was ask if the mail came. I said 'It sure did' and handed him the letter. I pointed at the price and cried and we hugged. It was so wonderful to see the look of hope and relief on his face too.

Today I am hopeful that we will be able to attempt at least one IVF cycle. I am hopeful that soon, we will have a better chance than we've ever had at actually getting pregnant. And I am hopeful that I won't always feel the way that I've been feeling lately. If Seth and I can be so happy just to hear that we can afford treatment, I know that some day we will be able to feel hope and happiness WHEN we finally find out that I'm pregnant.

Cycle 20

Yesterday was CD1 and today is December 1st, so we've officially started cycle 20, month 17. I had a great time visiting my family and I think that it helped to be home yesterday since I didn't have very much time to cry or dwell on it. I am pretty bummed though. We had great timing - maybe our best since surgery. I really felt like if it was going to happen, this would have been the month. But it didn't so now we move on.

I am not looking forward to this cycle at all. I feel like I'm going to be a fucking mess. Assuming nothing changes, I can expect my next cycle to start on or around Christmas day. I swear all of my CD1s fall on holidays or family events. It is so hard to stand in the middle of a crowded room and smile and make small talk when I feel like screaming. This is our last chance to get pregnant in 2013. I am dreading the new year. If this doesn't happen, I really think I'll be avoiding all NYE celebrations. I'm sure that's not healthy, but I don't fucking care. I just can't.

In spite of all of this, or probably because of all of this, I'm afraid that my hopes are going to be out of control and that if/when it doesn't happen I will be absolutely crushed.

I'm already a nervous wreck over the whole IVF program application thing. The application says that we should receive a response by mail (Email? Regular post?) in about 2-3 weeks. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I mailed it. I'm going to be refreshing my phone and checking my mailbox like a freak until we get a response. Even though I feel that they have good reasons to deny our application, I can't help getting my hopes up. We need this. If we don't get it, I don't know what we'll do treatment-wise but I'm pretty certain that I will lose my mind if we don't try something soon.

There's nothing I can do about it though. I just need to keep reminding myself that. We're doing all that we can do right now and worrying about it won't change anything. We'll give it our best shot again because we're not ready to give up. Other than that, it's out of our hands.

Not when, but IF

Today, I'm 9 dpo which is around the time the PMS tears and rage kick in. I had a crap IF day yesterday. Just full of bad feelings. I'm just so angry about everything. Why is this happening to us? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't we have what so many other get have? As happy as I am for other people, I'm also really jealous that I no longer feel the hope and certainty that a normal, happy couple feels.

I realized that I never say "when we have kids" anymore. I always catch myself and say "if we have kids". It breaks my heart. I'm so sad that all of the things I always imagined that Seth and I would do with our children have become ifs instead of whens. IFs. Fucking IFs.

The guilt is killing me too. I feel like it's all my fault. I know that Seth doesn't blame me, but I can't help thinking that things would be different IF I was different. IF only I didn't have endometriosis. IF only I could gain a bit more weight. IF only...

Thankful Thursday

One week until Thanksgiving!!! Woohoo! I can't wait. Less than one week until we fly home to see my family. I can't wait to see every body - it's been much too long for me.

Thankfully, this week wasn't as crappy as last week. Boring, maybe, but not crappy. This week I am thankful for:

1. The last lecture of the semester!
Monday was my last full lecture. We still have four more class meetings, but two will be reviews and two will be exams (3rd "midterm" and a final). Overall, I think my first semester went really well. I'm really, really enjoying my new job and I'm so happy that this first lecture was a success.

2. New Winter Term Schedule
I knew that I still had a job for the Winter Term (which is the Spring Semester at most other colleges as far as I know), but this week we made some changes to my schedule and I'm really happy about it. I'll be teaching five days a week so I can officially quit the lab job. I'll also be teaching two sections of a Geology lecture rather than the Earth Science course that I taught this semester. This is great because A) I prefer straight up Geology and B) it's a slightly more advanced class so there will be fewer students and typically these students are more interested in science. In the basic general education classes, most students just want to pass the class and move on so it's harder to get the interested and motivated.

3. Another 2WW!
I'm excited to be in another two week wait. We've done all that we can do and now there's no pressure. I think I'm only going to temp on days that I have to wake up anyway. That's what I did last month and it was definitely less stressful for me.

4. Arugula
I am so thankful for arugula. My sister and I watched a lot of Barefoot Contessa last week and I think she used arugula on every episode. It just looked so fucking delicious and I had to have it. First, I had a delicious arugula salad at the Cheesecake Factory and then I had to go out and buy two more bags. I've been making salads with arugula, golden raisin, almond slivers, shavings of fresh Parmesan, and homemade lemon vinaigrette. Fucking amazing. I may or may not have been licking the extra dressing out of the bowl.

Yum.

The Stork Award

Yesterday, the sweet and supportive Jaytee over at Miles Yet to Travel nominated me for the Stork Award! It meant so much to me. I always say that one of the most difficult things for me to deal with this year has been the loneliness that comes with infertility. This blog has been a life-saver because it has helped me to "meet" so many amazing people. Getting the Stork Award from Jaytee made me realize again that I not am not alone and that I am so lucky to be surrounded and supported by so many great friends.

You can read more about the Stork Award and how it stared here. It was really cool to go back through all of the linked blogs to read about the previous Stork Award nominees. 

Here's how The Stork Award works: 
1. Add the avatar for the award in your blog pos
2. Link to the blog that nominated you 
3. Answer the ten questions given to you
4. Nominate other bloggers. 
5. Ask your nominees their ten questions. 
6. Let your nominees know they've been awarded. 
7. Put the award icon on your side bar if so inclined. 

Questions from jaytee16:
1. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
I would like to be able to teleport or fly so that I could travel and visit my family easily.

2. List 3 of your best personality traits.
Compassionate, warm-hearted, and loyal

3. What’s the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
A person's eyes are the first thing I notice. Not necessarily the color (though my favorite is green), I just notice whether they seem warm and alive or cold and empty.

4. What are 3 things on your bucket list?
This is tough because I feel like I'm really lucky and have been able to do and experience so many things already. Let's see...1) Have a baby/children - duh. 2) Own and renovate the shit out of a house. 3) Go hiking in the Himalayas - nothing intense and base-campy, just some foothill trekking.

5. Do you have any hidden talents?
Not really. I don't even know if I have any obvious talents. I guess I have a pretty good memory.

6. What is the best vacation you have ever taken?
I guess my favorite trip was when Seth and I went to Europe after I finished graduate school in 2009. We visited his father's home in Italy and then spent a few days in Switzerland and took a quick trip to France. It was amazing - the food was so fucking delicious and the scenery (especially in Switzerland) was unreal. Seth and I lived 1200 miles apart for the first 2.5 years that we dated, so it was also really nice to be able to spend so much time with him.

7. What's the best meal you've ever had?
Thanksgiving is my all-time favorite meal. My Gram is an awesome cook and everything she makes is sooo delicious! If we're talking one specific meal, then I would say it would be the time we tasted the menu for our wedding. They made mini portions of everything we served - filet mignon with three sauces, stuffed chicken, three types of pasta, three side dishes, three types of salads, three flavors of cake, and a bunch of appetizers! 

8. What's the best gift you've ever given?
The gift I was most excited about giving was the computer that I bought for my dad last year. It was a combination birthday and Father's Day gift. My dad has worked so hard (sometimes four jobs at a time!) to give me and my sisters everything we have ever needed. He runs his own business now and his computer was really old and sucky. I knew he would never spend the money on himself so I surprised him with a new one. It felt really good to finally be able to do something big for him.

9. Aside from food, water, and shelter, what is one thing could you not go a day without?
If we're talking non-living things then I would have to say those little tooth floss picks. I am obsessed with flossing. It's an addiction. I suck at using dental floss so discovering the little floss picks was life-changing. I can't sleep without flossing my teeth. There are stashes in all of my bags and purses so that I can floss all day, every day.

10. In everyday life, what is your number one pet peeve?
The phrase "pet peeve" is one of my pet peeves. Also, I hate when people use the word legitimately when they mean literally.

My nominations for the Stork Award are:
1) Waiting for our Spark - This is my favorite new blog by my friend Becky. Thanks again for the Wawa surprise Becky!! You are one of the most thoughtful people I have met and I think you're incredibly strong and optimistic despite your struggles.

2) Lindsey and the Unicorn - (Baby in Blog warning - this is a success after IF blog, DX: unicornate uterus, hypothyroid) Lindsey is and will always be my favorite success after IF story! Her blog always reminds me that sometimes people really do beat the odds. Lindsey, you are an amazing friend, mother, and person in general. I will always be grateful for the advice and support you've given me over the past year and only I wish that I had known better how to support you when you were going through this yourself. 

3) The Making of a Glow Worm - I'm a creepy stalker of this blog. Kris- I've always admired how you're willing to keep giving out good advice and kind words, first on TB and now on IDOB too. I wanted to send you the Stork Award in hopes that it brings you some good feelings and good luck before your FET next month! 

Here are the 10 questions for my nominees (I'm also passing along the disclaimer that this is supposed to be fun as a way to get to know each other a little better so please don't feel pressure to do this if you don't want to or don't have time!)

1. What three words best describe you?
2. If you had to move to and live in a foreign country for 5 years, which country would you choose and why?
3. What's the last good book that you read?
4. What are some of your hobbies?
5. Are you more of an introvert or extrovert?
6. What's your favorite time of the year?
7. If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?
8. Would you rather go on a backpacking/camping trip or relax at a comfy resort?
9. Do you have a favorite quote or is there one that means something special to you right now?
10. What are your top 3 favorite songs right now?

Plan Update

Well, I just got back from mailing our application to our RE's discount IVF program. The program is for people who are uninsured who fall in a certain income bracket. The practice offers a 10-50% on IVF cycles and all of the associated procedures (FETs, ICIS, cryopreservation, etc.) depending on your income. After speaking with the financial counselor last week, she determined that we should qualify for the program. We filled out all of the forms, gathered all of the tax documents and pay stubs, and mailed it off to the office. The application says that it may take 2-3 weeks for them to process everything. For the next few weeks, I'm just going to be hoping and praying that we qualify at all and that the discount makes IVF a reasonable option for us.

Seth and I discussed the multi-cycle package and we both feel like it isn't the right choice for us right now. We were considering a package that offered two fresh IVF cycles and two frozen embryo transfer cycles. If we were lucky enough to have success with the first fresh cycle, the total cost would be about $23,000 (depending on drugs). Yikes. If we had success after using all four cycles, it would cost closer to $30,000. Mother fuck. If we went through all four cycles and still didn't have a baby, we'd get up to 50% of the base price refunded but we'd still be out about $18,000. That's a lot of money. Someday this might be a good option for us, but not right now. Seth is going to be graduating in May so we have no idea what our financial situation will look like in six months. Also, I want to move home as soon as Seth is finished with school. Trying to squeeze up to four treatment cycles in from mid-January and early May doesn't seem reasonable. I think it would just be way too much pressure.

So that's that. No multi-cycle program for us. What we do over the next few months depends on this discount program. If we qualify and we get a decent discount, I think we're going to go ahead with an IVF cycle in January. If we don't qualify, we'll probably just continue with business as usual until we know where we'll be living and working and/or until I lose my mind and we decide to try an IUI cycle or something.

In other more fun news, I started a new crochet project! I found a tutorial on Pinterest for an infinity scarf so I went to Michael's last week and picked out some yarn.

It's nice and chunky, but soft, and it's a neutral golden tan color. I love it. You can see that I messed up on a few rows (that bulge), but I don't think it will be noticeable once it's finished since the yarn is so chunky. Also, I was too lazy to undo it all by the time I noticed it. I hope I can finish it before I head up north next week! My other big project, the blanket that I was making, it still coming along very slowly. I need to get some more yarn and motivation for that one.

Deja vu

Last year, around this time we were just finishing up our 4th cycle TTC. Now, here we are again - 4th cycle TTC after surgery. I still feel like we're just doing the same thing over again. Reliving the false hope and disappointment. No matter how many times I tell myself that we're not doing nothing, that the surgery could have helped me, I still can't help feeling like these natural cycles are pointless. 

I heard back from the financial counselor at our RE's office earlier this week and she gave us quotes for the multi-cycle refund package as well as for the per cycle costs of IVF and FET cycles. There's still a chance we qualify for a discount on the per cycle price, but we won't know until we submit the application. Either way - holy fucking shit. I knew the average cost of an IVF cycle plus medications, but seeing it all laid out on a bill with my name on it made it seem so much more real. I don't know if we can do it. Seth and I need to have a serious talk about everything, but I'm kind of afraid to hear what he has to say. I'm afraid that he's going to agree with me, that maybe right now is not the right time for us to try IVF. I'm afraid that the best thing for us is to just keep on doing nothing.

I am hoping more than ever that "nothing" will work.

Thankful Thursday

This week, I am thankful for:

For....


For...


Well, that's awkward. This week was actually kind of crap. Nothing terrible, just little things - CD1, found out my insurance isn't government approved, found out that we do NOT qualify for a discount on the multi-cycle IVF package, Bear and Binky do not understand the time change and have moved their wake-up time to 6 AM...just little bummers. It kind fucked up my countdown to Thanksgiving fun though. Of course I'm thankful for my health, happiness, husband, home, dogs, blah blah blah...but that really wasn't the point. I wanted to focus on things that were great each week. So let's see...

I'm thankful that this week is almost over. Does that count? I'm thankful that I'm alive. That's always a good thing. Only two weeks until I get to go home and see my family! That's worth celebrating. I can't wait to see my nieces. Two for one holiday lattes at Starbucks this week! Woohoo I'm definitely thankful for that. B and I went to "happy hour" yesterday and had Caramel Brulee lattes. I couldn't bring myself to get the Gingerbread or White Chocolate Peppermint Mocha before Thanksgiving.

Look at those crysals. Mmmm.

Seriously this week has been super lame. I'm having a great time with my sister, but in terms of work and other stuff, I am over it. Tonight I think we're going to go to my favorite Cuban restaurant for dinner (thankful for lechon asado and that I don't have to cook or do the dishes!). Hopefully that will bring things back up a little bit.

Right. Well, I'm boring the shit of myself so it's probably best that I just end the worst post ever here.

Happy Friday!

And happy CD1 for me. Oh well - if I have to start a new cycle I think Friday is the best day to start. Monday is a holiday, so I can use the long weekend to properly "celebrate" the start of cycle 19.

I expect the weekend to be full of wine and yoga pants.

Cheers!

Thankful Thursday

I saw a bunch of people posting things that they were thankful for every day up until Thanksgiving and I thought it was a nice idea. We could definitely use some positive thoughts around here. Since I'm a slacker, I decided to just make a list once a week until Thanksgiving. So, this week I am thankful for:

1. Bear's Health
Bear joined our family just over two years ago in August 2011. As Bear started getting bigger we noticed that there was always a puddle of pee around him whenever he took a nap. The vet thought that it might be a growth spurt and things were growing at different rates, so we tried a medicine that would strengthen his little bladder muscles. It didn't work and it was getting worse. He was leaking all the time. This time when we went to the vet he suggested that Bear had an ectopic ureter, which is a really rare birth defect (usually seen in females of huskies and two other breeds) in which the ureter draining the kidneys extend past the bladder. He sent us to a specialist.

We found out that Bear's condition has a really negative impact on the dog's quality of life. It can lead to repeated kidney infections. Eventually all of the urine will causes burning on the dog's skin. We knew that medication didn't work and the only option was a surgery that was expensive (several thousand dollars) and only had a 50% chance of success. We were devastated. It was one of the saddest weeks that I can remember. My poor little Bear. He was only three months old and we didn't know what kind of life he would get to have. I couldn't even think about what we might have to do if the surgery didn't work.

Bear on the night before his CT scan. 

On November 1st, Bear went in for a CT scan and the surgeon found an 8 lb. mass in his stomach. At first we thought it was cancer, but it turned out to be one of Bear's kidneys. The doctor wanted to do surgery to remove it immediately, so on November 2nd Bear was in surgery for several hours to remove the bad kidney and see if it was possible to repair the other one. The next morning the surgeon called and said that Bear's other kidney was perfect, but that he was still leaking so he needed a second surgery. That one was a success! Bear came home a few days later almost as good as new! It's been two years since his surgery and he has never had a leak or an infection. We keep an eye on his diet and kidney function but the doctor says there's no reason to think that Bear won't have a normal, healthy life!

2. My sister B coming to visit!
On Saturday, my baby sister B is coming to stay with us for a week. I can't wait. I haven't seen her since July and that's probably the longest that we've ever been apart. I love all of my sisters equally - we're ridiculously close - but I think that B and I probably have the most in common. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with her this week. It will be such a nice distraction from everything that is going on right now.

3. The strongest women that I know
IF sucks, but I know that it would be a million times worse if I hadn't been so lucky to stumble upon a group of the most amazing women/friends that a person could ask for. This process can make you feel so isolated sometimes and I'm so grateful that I have met other people who understand what I'm going through, who don't judge me, and who help me to keep going when I feel like I can't take it anymore. Special thanks to Jaytee, Chickin, DoodMama, Acro, and Becky - thank you for picking me up when I was feeling down earlier this week.  There's a part in one of my current favorite songs that always make me think of my fellow IFers:

So when your hope's on fire

But you know your desire

Don't hold a glass over the flame

Don't let your heart grow cold

I will call you by name

I will share your road

I wish that none of us were on this road, but I'm so grateful that we have each other. It's an amazing feeling to know that someone is holding onto the hope for you when you're having trouble feeling it yourself.

Breakdown

It's crazy how quickly everything changes. Last weekend, I was feeling so good. Then PMS happened. I've been raging and crying since Friday. Well, actually I cried while I was on the phone with my insurance company on Thursday too. Luckily, unlike most insurance agents I talk to, this woman was really sweet and grandmotherly. Anyway, my temperature is dropping and I should start CD1 tomorrow. At this point, I can't wait. Usually my mood improves pretty quickly once I start a new cycle. I hope this is just a temporary PMS-related depression and not reality finally settling in.

I'm taking this cycle much harder than I expected. If it had worked, I would have been due on July 16th, 2014 which would be one day after our third wedding anniversary. I'm not very sentimental and I usually don't care about stuff like that, but it just seemed nice to have something extra special to celebrate next July. It would have been nice to be able to tell my parents and sisters that I was pregnant when I go home for Thanksgiving in three weeks. I'm so tired of living so far away from them and it would have been awesome to share that with them in person.

I might have been around 12 weeks pregnant at Christmas, which would be awesome just because it would make the holidays so much more bearable. In my family, four babies will be celebrating their first Christmas and there's one more on the way in February. It's awesome, it really is - two of them are my beautiful little nieces and I love them more than anything. But all of them were conceived after Seth and I started trying. When I see them, it's hard for me to not think - why not me? Why isn't my baby here do? What did I do wrong? Every year my uncle does this little toast where he celebrates something, big or small, that happened in each person's life (there are 32 first cousins plus the five children of cousins). It's really nice, but I don't think I can take it this year. I know that I have so much to be thankful for - I love my husband, my dogs, my job, my friends. I know that I am lucky in many ways, but when he says my name the only thing I will hear is "Ana did NOT have a baby this year and she's not even pregnant". That big fucking failure.

Even though I know that we've already been trying for over a year (hello month 16, cycle 19) I think it's hitting me harder that 2013 will likely be a full calendar year of failure. 2013 - that year we didn't get pregnant. I feel shitty for thinking that way because so many other wonderful things happened, but the IF just drowns everything else out. I've shared this quote on here before but it really sums up my feelings perfectly right now:

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween from Binks and Bear!

Binks and Bear

Bear looks so serious standing at attention.

 No more pictures - just give us the treats, please!!!

7 dpo - Halfway Point

Not much going on over here. I'm at or around 7 dpo - about halfway though the 2ww. I think it's possible that FF has my CHs off by a day, but they're probably correct based on my non-temp indicators. Either way, I think it's pretty clear that I ovulated and that's enough for me.

It's not as easy to break the habit of temping as I thought it would be. I decided that I would keep temping on the days that my alarm is going off. I'm skipping all of the other days. It's nice because A) I can sleep in a little bit longer which is always good and B) it makes it more difficult for me to remember what DPO I'm at so I've been obsessing less which is also good. I'm happy with this routine for now.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a little more exciting. Seth comes home AND it's Halloween and I can't wait to get Binky and Bear back in their costumes!

Plan B(aby)

If Plan A was fall in love, get married and have a baby (plus or minus some extra steps like travel, graduate and find a job), we fell a little short. By now I've accepted that that's not the way it happened or will happen for us. I'm more okay with that than I have been in a long time. I'm not sure where the good feelings are coming from. Maybe it's because I like my job so much and can see myself keeping this type of job for a long time. Maybe it's because going through all of this has made me realize even more how lucky Seth and I are to have each other.Who knows? But I feel good and I'm just going to roll with it.

It helps that we finally have our "Plan B" or "Plan Baby". On Friday, we had our appointment with Dr. M. It was great. He said that he was going to go through all of our options and then have us tell him what we're thinking and feeling. As he went through the options, I felt really relieved because he was sort of backing up everything that Seth and I had been feeling. He said again that he doesn't feel like Clomid/Femara + IUI makes sense for me. He said that injectible drugs + IUI could be a good option, but since we don't have any MFI issues and I have endo it really wouldn't boost our chances too much. It also costs about $2000-$3000 per cycle and comes with a high risk of multiples or cancelled cycles due to overstimulation. After he went over the different aspects of IVF, we got a chance to have all of our questions answered. Seth asked him at what point post-surgery does he start to think that natural conception probably won't happen. Dr. M said that if nothing happens by 4-6 months, he suspects that there is something else going on - too much microscopic endometriosis, a tubal problem, ovaries not releasing an egg or something like that.

So IVF it is. Seth and I feel really good about it and we told Dr. M that we're ready to take that step. Like I said before, we want to wait until January. Partly because we're traveling a lot for the holidays and partly because that will give us 4-6 full cycles to try on our own after surgery. In January, I'm supposed to call the IVF nurse to set up my pre-IVF appointments. I'll take birth control bills for a month (it's weird that the first time I'll ever take BCPs will be because I'm trying to get pregnant) and then the actual IVF cycle will hopefully be in February.

If I don't get pregnant on my own first, of course. We're only on our third cycle. Even if this cycle fails, we still have three more shots. I'm not looking at these cycles as our last chances; I'm thinking of them as bonuses. We're ready to do IVF. We feel like it's our best chance and we're prepared for the consequences and financial burdens (I'm not sure it's possible to prepare for the physical and emotional toll though) so if we happen to get pregnant between now and January - awesome! We will be beyond thrilled, of course. It just feels really good to finally have a back-up plan. Now if/when I start another CD1, I don't have to wonder how long we'll keep going on like this. Will we ever have a decent shot? Will anything ever be different? Now I know. If all else fails, we'll be taking some huge steps towards actually getting pregnant in just about 3 months. I can handle that.

IUI? IVF? I don't know.

Just two more days until our appointment with Dr. M. I'm simultaneously dreading it and excited about it. I think I'm more anxious about this appointment than I have been about any of the others, even the surgery-related ones. I guess it feels like all of the testing and research we've been doing over the past 6 months or so has been leading up to this appointment and this decision. It feels like there is so much at stake now.

Seth and I sat down over the weekend and went over everything. We went through all of the information we could find on endometriosis, endo and fertility treatments, and costs of treatments. I feel pretty good after talking through it with him. At the very least, I feel like we're on the same page we set the limits that we needed in order to be ready to make a decision after talking to Dr. M. For example, I know that I'm not interested in Clomid+IUI. The chances of success are shit for people with endo and Dr. M has mentioned several times that he has seen more negative side effects from Clomid in "slender" women (I haven't had much luck gaining weight yet). We also went over all of the information about IVF. If Dr. M thinks that IVF is the way to go, we're ready for that too. While we're hoping that we qualify for some sort of discount or multi-cycle package, we're prepared to pay the price of IVF if it's the best option for us.

Seth is easy. He says he's not interested in IUI at all. Dr. M will have to give him some good reasons to change his mind - for instance, maybe he recommends an IUI cycle to see how I respond to drugs. Me? I second (and third and fourth) guess everything. I think I agree with him. I just have a feeling that IVF is the best option for us. But I'm a scientist. I can't make decisions based only on feelings. It's killing me that there is not straightforward, correct answer or solution to this problem.

The two biggest things factoring into our decision are the fact that our/my diagnosis is endometriosis (obviously) and finances. With endo, time is not on your side. Since no one knows how quickly it grows back, most doctors want you to be pregnant or get on BCPs. I'm afraid that if we try IUI and it doesn't work, we'll have wasted these months right after surgery where my body is supposedly at it's best. If we do a bunch of IUIs that don't work, it will take us a lot more time to save back up for IVF which will waste even more time. Then I think we must be crazy for even considering IVF without trying something else first. Although, we did try surgery and if we do decide to go with IVF we'll be giving ourselves a full six months after surgery to get pregnant without assistance. That's not nothing. And 21 cycles of trying on our own isn't insignificant either.

I don't know. I wish that I could sort of check-out of the next two days and have someone else make the decision for me. Just let me know when it's over.

We are the Champions

Yesterday morning, Seth took Binks and Bear to the state park for their morning walk. The park ranger told him that there would be a Halloween parade for dogs at 2 PM, so we decided to go. I was really looking forward to trying out their costumes! We got to the park around 2:30 and Binks and Bear were so pumped. It was kind of hard to get their costumes on properly, but we made it work and they looked super cute.

Binky and Bear

We got to the pavilion and I think we missed the parade which was probably for the best - it was really fucking hot yesterday. All of the dogs were assembled under the pavilion and they were taking turns getting up on a picnic table to show off their costumes. There was some serious competition - two super cute Old English Sheepdogs in Halloween gear and two black Poodles that were dressed up as chefs. Binks and Bear got their turn on the table and then it was judgement time. The whole event was organized by the Junior Rangers Club (mostly girls around 10-14 years old) so it was really cute. They made trophies out of recycled materials and homemade organic dog treats for prizes.

Finally, they announced the winners. The sheep dogs won the "Match your Owners" category (owner's were in festive clothes too) and the poodles won "Best in Show". Then they said they announced that the winners for the "Cutest Pup" category were Binky and Bear! Woohooo! You know it!!!

I was so proud. Proudest mama ever. They fucking rule. They got to take another turn on the champions' table to get their trophies and prizes. All of the junior rangers gathered around to pet them and of course Binks and Bear take the opportunity to give out kisses.

Their trophy says "Cutest Pup of them All"

It always makes me so happy and relieved to see how good they are with kids because they don't get the chance to be with kids often since we live so far away from family.

I'm looking forward to Halloween next week! We'll have more time to get their costumes on properly so I can take some better pictures are home - the 30 or so that I took yesterday just weren't enough!

My prize-winning pups

Rally the Troops

Here we go again. I'm about a week away from my average/predicted ovulation day so now the fun part begins! For a few days, I get to feel like we have some sort of control over the situation. That's always nice.

This is my third cycle since I had surgery. Statistically, most people who get pregnant after surgery without treatment do so in the first three months. I know it's possible, but I'm not expecting to get lucky this time either. Only a very small percentage of people with endometriosis have improved fertility after surgery. I'll never understand why people say they didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly. Why not? ~65% of couples are pregnant within the first three months. Why would you expect to be in the minority? That's silly. I'm not expecting to be in the minority this time either. We're still going to do whatever we can though. Which means we're going to do exactly what we've been doing the past 17 cycles!

I'm still having a lot of pelvic pain. I'm really disappointed actually. I thought things would be different after surgery. Apparently there's a small percentage of people (yay another minority - I AM so lucky) that don't really have an improvement in their symptoms. It's possible that I'm still healing of course, but the pain feels exactly the same as it did before surgery so I'm not too hopeful on that front either.

That's kind of why we're leaning towards starting treatment sooner rather than later. The odds of natural conception after surgery to remove endo are pretty low to begin with. Add my pain to that and we're just really afraid to wait. No one has any idea how quickly the endo with grow back. I don't want the surgery and the MRSA to have been for nothing.

We know we want to do something, we just don't know what yet. Our meeting with Dr. M is one week from today. We want to go into the meeting with some ideas of want we want and also some limits so that we feel ready to make a decision at that appointment (we're 100% OOP now, so every meeting counts). At some point, I'm going to make a big lists of all of everything we're thinking. Lists help me sort out my thoughts and I'm also hoping that people will feel comfortable giving their opinion or advice, even if they're not in the same position. I like hearing different perspectives.

But not today. It's FRIDAY!!! I don't really have a whole lot of work to do before Monday, so it should be a nice relaxing weekend. We have no plans, which I'm sure sounds boring to some people, but it sounds glorious to me. Just two more classes this morning and then I'm done!

Turn on the Light

Today is CD1. Cycle 18. Bring it on.

I'm sad, for sure. I cried for a few minutes last night when my cramps got so bad that I knew I was out. Now, though, it's really anger and fear that I feel most often. I'm so angry that this is happening. I'm angry that I have endometriosis. I'm angry that I never used BCPs - maybe that would have made a difference (and maybe not). I'm angry that we waited to start trying (even though I know it was for the best). And I'm just so scared. I have no idea if we'll be able to have children or how or when it will happen if we are able to do it. I'm afraid that we'll make the wrong decision.

Seth and I talked again about temping. I am ready to give up on it, especially after this last cycle got my hopes up so much. Seth said that he had a good feeling when my temp kept rising too. I feel so bad - I should have kept it to myself. Anyway, I told him how it was really getting to me and I reminded him that Dr. M thinks that with my cycles being so regular just doing the OPKs is enough. We're still a little nervous though. If we're going to do treatment we want to feel like we did everything we possibly could first. I think I'll just temp to confirm ovulation (between the end of my period and ovulation it's only about a week anyway) and then I'll stop. If this helps me feel better, we'll try this method for awhile.

I'm hanging in there though. Partly because I really don't have any other choice and partly because I've been spending the weekend with my three favorites. (Four, if you count all of the phone calls from my mom - she knew I expected to get my period and I think she kept calling to chat so that I didn't feel lonely. I love her.) On Friday, Seth and I took Binks and Bear to the park for dinner. I dropped Seth and the boys off by the front gate and then drove to find a table while the dogs pulled Seth through the park on the skateboard. It's great exercise for them!

After dinner, Seth skated away with them while I got the car. As soon as Bear saw me he started sprinting. It was so cool to see them running toward me in my side mirror. One of the these days, I'll post a video of their runs. They're amazing.

I love these guys - and Seth- so much. I don't know what I would do without them. Some days I think that I can't do this much longer - I'm not strong enough - but I know that as long as I have them and my family and my wonderful friends, the good days will outnumber the bad ones for us. We will get through it. 

Seriously?

I can't take it! This cycle is the biggest mind fuck I've had since we started TTC. Here I am at 13 dpo and my temperature is still rising.

My average LP length is 13 days and my temperature starts dropping around 9 or 10 dpo. Not this time.

I tested yesterday and today and they were both 100% negative. Not even a teeny hint of a line. I'm not feeling super hopeful at this point. The HPT accuracy chart says that 68% of tests are accurate at 13 dpo. I guess I could be in the 32%. Why not? I'm in the 15% who didn't not conceive in the first year. Maybe I'm just really "lucky". I'm just too scared to feel hope. If you showed me this chart 15 months ago, I would be bouncing off the walls with excitement. Now I know better.

So. I'll just have to do my best to keep my mind off of it! I'm so glad that it's the weekend. Tonight we're planning to pick up dinner and take Binks and Bear to a nearby state park for a picnic. It's a really nice park - it's right between the beach and the canal and it's full of big trees so I always feel like I'm back home in the northeast. Plus it's starting to feel like fall at night here so hopefully it will be a nice night to be outside. 

Tomorrow I'm finally going to get a chance to run some errands. I've already prepared by first lecture for next week, so I can take a break this weekend. I've been going through some serious Target withdrawal. We're also going to give Binks and Bear their baths this weekend at some point, so I think it's going to be a busy weekend but definitely in a good way!