Decisions, Decisions

I mentioned in my last update that it was a stressful week. One of the things we have been dealing with is our job situation - or lack of jobs situation. Remember how Seth finished up with school in May? He's been looking for jobs for months and nothing has really come up. He's in a weird place where's not qualified enough for certain things (needs more publications, things like that) but too qualified for entry level jobs. He would gladly take an entry level job, but I'm guessing most companies assume he will demand higher pay from the start.

For the most part, he has been applying for jobs within 2 hours or less of my family. So it was surprising when he got offered a one year post-doctoral position by his former advisor. At the same university that he just graduated from. Great, right? It is. It really is. I think it will be a great experience for Seth - he will have the opportunity to do some news things, make new contacts at other universities, and get some of his work published.

I'm not going to lie though. I'm less than thrilled. I really thought I would be moving home this summer. I've been counting down since the fall when Seth figured out that he could finish in May. Then when I got pregnant, I felt like finally things were getting on the right track. I should know better. Things don't always work out the way you want them to.

It's not all bad. Like I said, it will be great for Seth. It also means that I can keep working through the fall which I'm happy about because I love my job. It's also great for us financially - Seth will be making a lot more money and we can keep living where we're living which means we don't have a whole lot of bills to pay (also I just paid off my car - yay). Plus, it's one more year without a winter! It sounds more fun to have a January baby in the south than up north. We'll be able to leave the house more often. Oh and I love my doctor too. I really doubt that I'd be able to find another doctor who knows exactly what it's like to be someone like me.

Still, I'm sad. I miss my family so much. My dad was in the hospital last week and I wish more than ever that I was going to be moving home. I'm sad that my nieces are growing up so quickly and I'm missing most of it. I'm sad that my family won't get to be there in January when our baby is born. I'm really fucking scared about that too. Our families live about 1200 miles away from us in opposite directions. When Seth goes back to work, I will be completely alone with the baby and my pups. It's really intimidating. What if I suck at being a mom? What if I have a nervous breakdown?

So that's that. We're not moving home. But we'll make it work. We always do.

Back to School

Today was my last day of break. Waaahhhh!

Really, though, I'm pretty lucky. I've been off since December 17th. That's not a bad deal. I'm excited about my new classes too. And I only have one day of classes before 11 AM. AND one of my classes doesn't start until the last week of January so I still get two days off for a few more weeks. Teaching at a college is pretty awesome. It's like being a student, but better because I'm getting paid.

The other cool thing is that since I usually don't have morning classes, I'll have plenty of time for all of my monitoring appointments in a few weeks. Bonus - there is a satellite office less than a mile from my campus so on class days I can go to that office for the basic monitoring appointments.

Not much else to report IF-wise. We're still waiting to hear back about Seth's infectious disease and genetic testing, but I don't anticipate any problems with that. I've already had some basic genetic testing and I'm not a carrier for anything so unless he's got something really rare, we'll probably be okay.

On Saturday, I received a call telling me that my drugs were ready to be picked up. It was quite a bit more than I expected because instead of just using Gonal-F (for which I have a 50% discount), I'll also be taking Menopur which ends up being more than half the total bill. Oh well. If this is what Dr. M thinks will give us the best shot, then this is what we'll do. Wednesday is my day off so I'm going to head back to the pharmacy to pick everything up so that it's ready for when I start Lupron on Saturday. I'm excited to stock my IVF station!

For now, I'm on day 8 of BCPs and it's been pretty uneventful. I think that's the way it's supposed to be so I'm good with that.

Zzzzzz.....

Holy fucking shit. I am so exhausted. I knew that teaching was a lot of work - there are tons of teachers in my family. But knowing and respecting the amount of work they do is a lot different than experiencing it. This is crazy! I only teach 7 credit hours, but I must be spending at least 3 or 4 times that amount working outside of class (plus my part-time job at the lab). I get home from work in the afternoon and I just want to do this:

but I can't because I have to start preparing the next lecture and finish all of the grading for my labs. I just want to sleep!! Or, you know, do something for fun. Or even just empty the dishwasher. Or finish the laundry. But there's no time!!! So instead, I end up like this every night:

I feel like no matter how much work I do, I just cannot stay ahead of it. There just aren't enough hours in the day to finish everything and weekends don't exist right now. I look and feel like complete ass. On the bright side, I still don't hate my job! Exhaustion is a huge improvement from the way I felt about my last job which is saying a lot. I don't even really care that I don't get paid that much. I can pay my bills and I'm happy and that's good enough for me right now. More sleep would be really awesome though. One of my friends told me that the most tired she has ever been was when she got her first job out of college. She said it took her about six months to adjust to her new adult working schedule. Hopefully, my adjustment happens soon.

In fun news, the game/concert on Saturday was great, Binky and Bear's costumes arrived and they're much nicer than I expected for $5.99 (but too big so I have to exchange them), and I got CHs this morning so I'm back in the 2WW! Other than that, there's not much going on unless you'd like to hear my lecture on the theory of plate tectonics. I'll probably be missing for awhile until I get everything under control. I get to do my blog/TB/FB stalking in the early morning hours before there's anyone to play with but at least I can keep up with everyone a teeny bit!

Find a happy place!

I don't know what's wrong with me. I just cannot get out of this cloud of negativity. I'm dwelling and obsessing and feeling like a crazy person. It's so frustrating because when I'm staying busy, I feel totally fine and happy but then as soon as I have some free time my mood just plummets.The more time I have to think, the more completely out of control I feel. It's scary.

I need to stop thinking and feeling like I'm just wasting time waiting for the next three to six months to pass by. That's depressing. I want to actually enjoy my life, pregnant or not, so I thought it might help to try to focus on all of the things that I have to look forward to over these next few months. Hopefully this will help get me out of this rough patch and into a happier place. Maybe?

1. Halloween costumes for Binky and Bear

Look at that little guy! I think B&B will
be equally cute.

I was a little stressed out last year for Binky's first Halloween with us, so I never got around to finding costumes for them. This year I planned ahead and ordered (very cheap) costumes for them from Party City! They're both going to be Fire Chiefs. I'm can't wait until they're delivered. I'm sure Binky and Bear with love them.

2. Fito Blanko and Gocho mini concert
I mostly listen to Reggaeton/Latin pop these days and a few of my favorite songs are by Fito Blanko. He's a Panamanian guy who was raised and started his career in Toronto (any of you Canadians know of him?). This Saturday he's having a mini concert and I convinced Seth to go! I'm so excited. The opening act is the second to last game of the season for the Miami Marlins, so I guess we'll be watching a baseball game too :p

3. More classes
I received an email from my supervisor last week asking me if I was interested in teaching two more classes. Apparently one of the other adjuncts decided to move four weeks into the semester, so they need a replacement for two Earth Science labs. I said yes! It's awesome. It will be a little bit more work in terms of class time and grading, but I'm already doing all of the prep work for my other labs anyway. It's only a teeny tiny pay raise, but we can definitely use the extra money! And they asked me to fill out a schedule request form for next semester so I think there's a great chance I'll have a job in the spring too!

4. Wine
There are two chilled bottles of my favorite Cupcake wines in my refrigerator right now. I think wine will go well with the pasta that I'm making for dinner. I highly recommend Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc and Pinot Grigio.

5. Thanksgiving
We still have a lot of time before I really start getting excited for Thanksgiving but we just bought our tickets to fly home to see my family! I'm pumped. My parents came to visit for my surgery in August, but I haven't seen my siblings and my nieces since July. I think this will be the longest I've gone without seeing them (5 months). I'm really excited to see my nieces because T was only 9 or 10 weeks old in July - at Thanksgiving, she'll be 7 months! My other niece, A, will be 4 in December. She's definitely a little girl, not a toddler now :(

Realistically, I know that nothing is going to make my fear and sadness go away but at least I can find some ways to cover it up, at least for a few hours at a time.

I'll leave you with a little "Pegadito Suavicito" in case you need help finding a happy place too. This type of music always makes me want to have a dance party!

I'm Home!

***Just in case anyone needs a warning, there's some baby in this post.***

And exhausted. And super busy. And it's CD1. Cool.

We got back from Honduras ridiculously early Sunday morning. It was a nice weekend. Sort of. It was great to see my BIL and SIL and so nice to finally meet my niece, but things were a little bit weird. My SIL said the baby doesn't sleep during the day, but then they spent most of the time in her bedroom. Every now and then, they would pop out for a few minutes and then go back in for hours. Finally around dinner time, the baby would come out and we'd get to hold her and hang out with her but it was only for about an hour or so. I think my SIL just has a bad case of "first time parent" (jumping every time the baby coughs, bathing in hand sanitizer, etc). Maybe? I don't know, but if that the case I hope she's able to relax soon. I ended up spending most of my time with the dogs, which is fine by me - I'm a freak and I'm more comfortable around animals than most people anyway.

So other than the Rapunzel situation, it was a nice trip. Honduras (the tiny corner of it that we saw, at least) was pretty cool. It's a lot like Guatemala - kind of tropical and mountainy at the same time.

We fed some really aggressive ducks.

And saw tons of iguanas!

We also drove to the coast to have lunch on the water.

I learned how to make sushi.

 I made some new buddies. These pups were so snugly and I was so sad to say goodbye to them.

And of course, we met our niece.

That last picture breaks my heart a little bit. We look like a family. That's what our life would look like if we never had trouble TTC. But we did. We still are. Today is another CD1. On to cycle #17. It's still business as usual for us right now. We're definitely going to keep trying on our own for two more cycles. After that, who knows? Seth and I have a lot of pretty big decisions to make over the next few weeks, so I think we just need to take things one day at a time.

For now, I'm just trying to stay busy. That's not hard at all though. My new job is a ridiculous amount of work for only 5 credit hours - but I really love it! It is such an awesome feeling to actually like your job. It's such a nice change to not be absolutely miserable just thinking about being at work. In spite of the IF crap, I feel like a very lucky girl.

Back to School Shopping

I start my new job in 11 days and I'm pretty excited about it. Really nervous, but excited. One of the fun parts about getting a new job is my need for some new clothes. The official uniform of a geologist typically includes cargo pants or acid washed jeans, a t-shirt and flannel button-down, hiking or combat boots, and some sort of Indiana Jones type hat. Bonus points for a Canadian tuxedo (no offense Canadian friends). That uniform works whether you're in the field, lecturing to a room of 100 undergrads, or presenting at an international meeting of professional scientists. I'm not super trendy or anything, but that sort of look has never been my style. 

Since I'm teaching at a community college and not at a university with a full-scale geology department, I don't think that uniform is appropriate. Which is awesome for me. I'm so excited that I finally need to buy some real "adult" clothes. (Actually, I bought most of my new tops from Forever 21 - don't tell on me.)

I really hate shopping. I love buying things, but I hate shopping. Online shopping is the greatest thing ever. My body is kind of weird - my bust, waist, and hips are each a different size - so it can be hard to find clothes that fit. When I shop online, I usually wait until there is a free shipping deal so that I don't need to waste a lot of money if I end up returning things. Also, I always check Retail Me Not for other coupon codes. 

Luckily, all but one of the tops I ordered from Forever 21 fit really well! I had free shipping and it will probably only cost me about $2-3 dollars to return the one shirt I didn't like. For about $70, I got 4 nice blouse type shirts and 2 tanks to wear underneath them. I bought a dress from Forever 21 and was really pleased with the quality, so I'm hopeful that these will last at least through the semester.

I lurve the two blouses on the top. They fit really well and they make me look like I know how to put an outfit together, which I really don't (too many years in "the uniform"). The bottom right is actually a really pretty pale green color. I'm thinking about buying it in the peach color as well. I'm a big fan of buying an item in multiple colors when I find something that fits well.

I also bought some pants from Old Navy (more free shipping and 20% off!). The khakis are the Diva Boot Cut pants and they actually look really good in real life. The photo above makes them look kind of frumpy, but really they're nice and fitted and look great with heels. The blue ones are the Flirt pants and I don't think they work for me. There's a lot of extra room in the crotch area and since I don't have a dick, it doesn't really look good. I'm going to try to exchange them for blue Divas, but they don't have my size right now.

I got these lovelies from Zappos. If you've never purchased shoes from Zappos, I suggest that you go do it immediately. Free shipping, free returns, ALL THE SHOES in one place. I already have a pair of black pumps and tons of flats so unfortunately I don't think I "need" anymore shoes for now. Or maybe I need some new boots...

And finally, I bought my very own fucking laser pointer. It even has a clicker so you can change the slides on your Power Point! I feel like I'm a real teacher now. It was only $7, but hopefully it will last through December at least.

So. Now that I got the important things out of the way, I should probably get back to preparing my lectures!

I got it!

I got the teaching job!!!

                                           

I went in for my "interview" this morning. It wasn't really an interview. The woman just made sure that I had the proper degree and some prior teaching experience and then she told me that I could choose the classes that I wanted. They have a limit on the number of hours you can teach, so I couldn't pick everything. I did get to choose a lecture though! I'm really excited about that because it will be my first time teaching a full lecture course on my own. I'll be teaching one Earth Science lecture and two labs.

Ahh I'm so excited! I hope I like this. Seth and I would love it if I could work part-time after we have kids and something like this could be a great fit for me/us. Hopefully this will give me the experience I need to  find similar jobs in the future.

So Super Pumped!!!

Oh my gosh! A few weeks ago, I sent an application to the local community college because there was an opening for an Adjunct Faculty position to teach Earth Science. I didn't really expect anything to happen. My "teaching" experience is mostly limited to teaching college labs. I've only filled in to do a lecture a few times. But....I just got a call from them!

YAAAYYYY!!!!

Since I've been in school forever, this will be my first real interview. I think. It kind of didn't sound like there was actually going to be an interview. The woman who called just said that the associate dean "chose" me and they wanted to know which classes I wanted to teach. Umm, all of them please? I'm supposed to fill out a packet and bring my driver's license and SS card to a meeting with the interim dean next week. It seems like I have a really good chance of getting the job (or a job, there are several classes available) unless I do something really stupid to fuck it up (which is entirely possible).

Man, I needed this. Even if I don't get the job it feels good that someone thought I might be good enough. It will feel even more awesome if I actually get the job. Dropping out of school to become a college teacher sounds way cooler than just dropping out of school.

Fingers crossed for me I guess!

Health Insurance - Yikes!

I was talking to some friends about health insurance and I decided that I better double-check on my plans for when my contract is up at the end of August. Thank God I did! Originally, I thought it was going to cost us around $270 a month to add me to Seth's insurance. I seriously miscalculated. It will be almost $560 a month! That's a lot of money. I don't think that's the best option for us.

Since I'm quitting, our monthly income will be cut in half. That means Seth will have to cover my part of all our monthly bills. We'll also have to start paying my school loans again since they've been in deferment while I've been in school. That won't be too bad. I've already paid off 50% of my loans and I don't have too much left. That bill should be less than $150 a month. Plus my new health insurance bill.

I'm definitely going to be looking for a job in August. Nothing major since we will hopefully be relocating in December, but I wanted something that would cover my personal bills (health insurance and student loans). It would be great if I could make enough to contribute to our joint expenses. $560 sounds like a huge chunk out of a crappy hourly job. I think there must be a better option, but it's really hard to find insurance with maternity coverage in Florida. The "cheapest" option I have found so far costs at least $350. Which is less expensive, but still not great. Maybe something better will come along with this new Marketplace option, but there's no way I'm going to have a break in my coverage between August and when it starts in October.

We're going to have to make some serious budget cuts. No more traveling to visit my family until Thanksgiving I guess. We'll save money on gas since I probably won't have such a long commute. Maybe I can find a job within walking distance. Groceries will probably be the easiest thing to save money on. We eat pretty well (mostly fresh foods) and I hate to sacrifice our healthy diets just to save a bit of money, but I'm sure we can find a way to make it work. We have just under two months to figure it out!

Beauty School Dropout

Well, no. Not really. Not at all, actually. I just have that song from Grease stuck in my head because today I officially dropped out of the Ph.D. program. My contract isn't up until the end of August, but I had a meeting with my committee today to discuss my progress and future goals and I told them that I would not be coming back in the fall.

It was a really difficult decision. I thought about it for a very long time. During my second semester, I took a leave of absence because I was already having second thoughts about the path I was on. See, after I got my Master of Science degree I switched specialties. I was still in the same general field, but it was more or less an entirely different topic. It seemed like a good idea in terms of gaining new experience and being qualified for a wider range of jobs, but I just could not get interested in my work. Sometimes I'd be working in the lab or having a meeting with my advisor and I'd think "This is not my life. This is not really happening.". I could hear myself having conversations about my research but I'd still be thinking "What the fuck am I talking about and WHY?". It's been kind of a mess.

Even though I've known that I was really unhappy and entirely unmotivated to do this kind of work, it was still difficult to give up. I felt like a failure. I felt like a quitter. I worried that I would regret it and be ashamed of myself some day. I was afraid people would think that I didn't finish the degree because I wasn't smart enough or because I was lazy. Then I realized - I don't give a shit about what about other people think. I mean, I want people to think I'm a good person, but beyond that I don't care what they think of me. Especially not people who would look down on me for making this choice.

Today, I'm proud of myself. And relived - gosh, I am so relieved to be done with this! I have no idea what I'm going to do now (and it was obvious that some people thought I was crazy for that) and I have no idea if I'm going to be happier, but at least I took a chance. I feel very lucky to have the option to move on and try something else. Not everyone has the choice to do whatever they want and I don't take that for granted. So maybe I have to start all over. Maybe I'm nowhere near having that sweet job I always hoped for. But I think I'm finally headed in the right direction. Maybe the only way to move forward is to first go back the way I came.