Sunday, June 29, 2014

11 weeks

This was a very uneventful week which is a great thing during pregnancy. The spotting has been completely gone since maybe Monday. I'm so glad. It's so much easier to just relax when everything seems "normal". 

We also spent most of the week down in the Keys with Binks and Bear. It was nice to get away from our usual routine. Although it was really fucking hot. I was a little nervous for me and the dogs to be outside too long in the afternoon, but we enjoyed the mornings and the evenings. We also got to check out another new state park - it was beautiful!

How far along: 11 weeks! Baby is about 4.5 cm/1.6 in long - about the size of a plum or a lime (what kind of tiny fruit are they buying?). Yesterday I held up a ruler to my stomach and I just can't believe a baby that size is in there somewhere. 

Physical symptoms: I'm still very tired, but I only had a few moments of nausea this past week.       

Total Weight Gain/Loss: No change recently. I'm still at my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity clothes: Not needed yet. However, I did buy some new bras. I didn't realize how uncomfortable mine were until I tried on a "bigger" size (still just a little B). I also bought the most amazing non-maternity drawstring linen shorts from Loft. They have similar ones at Old Navy, but they didn't have my size. Bummer.     

Stretch marks: Not yet.

Sleep: Sucks. Even with my new body pillow, I'm having trouble getting comfortable. I wake up with hip pain often.

Best moment of the week: Like I said, this was a dull week. But I'm still pregnant!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Beer, regular coke, soft pretzels, and anything chocolate (milkshake, ice cream, donut). I'm resisting the beer of course, but I let myself have about 8 oz of coke since I don't really have any other caffeine. And I made a chocolate milkshake yesterday. There was milk in it, so it was healthy.

Sex: Not sure. I forget if I said this yet, but during our first IVF cycle I could only picture a boy. This time, I always think it's a girl. I am usually wrong when it comes to other people's babies.

Labor signs: Not yet.

Belly button: Still in.

What I miss: Beer, coke, sleeping through the night, and soft pretzels.

What I am looking forward to: Later this week I will finally be going to visit my family! I can't wait, I miss them (and the pretzels) so much. Also, 9 sleeps until the NT scan. Also also, I'm almost to the second trimester!

Milestones: All of the baby's organs should be fully formed and functioning at this point. 

And because I can't forget my first babies - Bear and Binks celebrated their 3rd birthday this week. The vacation was actually a birthday trip for them. They also got some new treats and a lifetime week-long supply of poop bags.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

10 weeks

YAY - a new week!! I think my ovaries are finally starting to go back to normal so this week is probably going to be the closest we are going to get to a bumpless "starting point" picture.

How far along: 10 weeks! Baby is the size of a prune and will be doubling in size over the next week or so. 

Physical symptoms:  In general, I'm feeling pretty good although I'm still having nausea from time to time. Also I think "pregnancy brain" is really kicking in this week. (This morning at Dunkin Donuts - "I'm sorry what did I order? No sorry that's not what I wanted." Later - laundry goes in the dryer, dryer never gets started.)       

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  None. I'm still at my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity clothes: Not necessary. I didn't like any of the dresses I ordered either so I'll probably go shopping tomorrow.    

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: I wake up sore from time to time, but otherwise I can't really complain.

Best moment of the week: Seeing that the baby was okay on Thursday and finding his/her heartbeat on the home doppler!

Movement: Nothing that I can feel yet.

Food cravings/aversions: Carbs and lemonade are still the greatest things ever. Also, it turns out I can handle lattes - yay! Eggs are fucking disgusting.

Sex: Don't know yet.

Labor signs: Nope.

Belly button: Still in.

What I miss: Beer. I hadn't been interested in it for a while, but now that it's summer it just looks so delicious and refreshing.

What I am looking forward to: NT scan. I'm so anxious to find out if baby is looking good so far.

Milestones: All of the baby's major organs are fully formed! Baby should be twice as big by the time we see him/her again - like the size of a lime or peach I think.

10 weeks
How do people take pictures of themselves? I am wearing 4 inch heels and holding my phone in order to be high enough for my mirror. Clearly, I am not a selfie person.

Friday, June 20, 2014

A long week

People always refer to the ups and downs you experience while dealing with infertility as the "IF roller coaster". It's a good description. I'm finding that when you get pregnant you don't get off the roller coaster - you just switch tracks. This week was definitely full of ups and downs for me.

It started up with my second ultrasound and graduation day! It got even upper on Monday when I received the most beautiful baby blanket ever from Packer. Just as I hoped, seeing the blanket that Packer made for me helped me feel like this baby is real. I was happy. We'll come back to this...

Later that night things went slightly downhill. I went to the bathroom to find that I had been spotting pretty heavily, though I had no cramps. I called my older sister and we talked and decided that there were plenty of harmless reasons that would explain the spotting (I'd had an ultrasound, an exam, and sex). I was really anxious and cried a bit, but I was okay when I went to bed. I called the nurse in the morning and she confirmed that there was likely nothing to worry about. As the day went on, the spotting seemed to get less an less. Though to be honest, I was still pretty nervous. Even though I could explain the spotting and the mild cramps (thanks giant ovaries and cysts) I was having a hard time believing the baby was fine.

By Wednesday, the spotting was almost gone. Until that night when it got heavy again. My PaIF buddies reassured me that it was probably fine, but that it would be okay to call and ask to be seen so that's what I did on Thursday morning. I went in and met my new OB who is awesome. She said if I ever feel like I need an ultrasound or exam, I should just ask. She also has endometriosis and went through IVF at the same clinic so she said she understands what it's like to be "a little nuts". Anyway, she did an exam and confirmed that my cervix was bleeding but otherwise everything looked fine. The ultrasound confirmed that baby is fine too (measuring ahead at 9 weeks 6 days with a heart rate of 167).

The only issue was that because my blood type is A-, the doctor wanted me to get the Rhogam injection. After a dozen phone calls and two different hospitals, I finally got it done this evening. It fucking hurt. If IVF injections felt like that there is no way I would have made it through one cycle.

So. All is well for now. I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm going to try the home doppler again once I'm over 10 weeks. Seth, the pups, and I are also going to take a mini break to the Keys during the week!

And now to AW my beautiful blanket. Packer really does an amazing job. If you have any knitwear needs, you should definitely check out Packer's Etsy shop (see her blog for details). The blanket that she made for me is a gorgeous deep blue-teal color. It is so snuggly and warm and it will be perfect for a January baby. I am so thankful for such a beautiful gift from such a wonderful friend.

Monday, June 16, 2014

9 weeks

I can't believe I'm at 9 weeks already. It doesn't feel like almost 6 weeks since we found out. 

Fun story of the week - we took Binks and Bear for an early walk around the neighborhood yesterday. Someone was having a party and a couple was just getting in their car. I jokingly said to Seth "Look - there's Dr. M" because he kind of has a distinctive look. He reminds of the nerdy muppet. Beaker I think. Anyway, the guy turned around and it really was Dr. M! He came over and hugged me (as weird as I would have expected) and we talked for a minute. I wonder who if it was more weird for him or me. For him it's like "Hey - I know that vagina" and for me it's like "Hi. This is what I look like with clothes on".

How far along: 9 weeks 1 day. Baby is just over an inch long - about the size of a green olive. 

Physical symptoms:  Tired, queasy, and not interested in eating most foods.      

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Nothing this week. I'm still around my pre-IVF weight. Maybe 1 lb. less.

Maternity clothes:  Nope. I don't think I'll need them for awhile. I did order a bunch of non-maternity dresses for summer. I'm excited to get those - hopefully a few will look okay on me.    

Stretch marks: Nope.

Sleep: Not going very well. I'm always uncomfortable. I don't even know if it's pregnancy-related though. I keep waking up with sore shoulders and I have trouble getting comfortable enough to go back to sleep.

Best moment of the week: Hearing the heartbeat and graduating from the RE!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: I'm not really interested in anything, but carbs are still good. And lemonade is the most glorious drink in the world.

Sex: Don't know yet.

Labor signs: Not yet.

Belly button: Still in.

What I miss: Iced coffee. It just doesn't taste good right now. I haven't been able to drink more than half a cup.

What I am looking forward to: I broke down and ordered a fetal doppler (don't judge me). The tracking number says it should get here today and I'm going to try it out later this week as soon as it gets here!

Milestones: Hearing the heartbeat at 8w4d and graduating from the RE!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

We Graduated!

Thank you so much for all of the good thoughts and well wishes! I was so nervous about seeing the baby again and all of your kind words definitely helped.

We went in for our second ultrasound early this morning. When the image showed up on the screen I couldn't see any flickering, but the doctor said "There's the heartbeat" and everyone was all "Ooooh". But I still couldn't see it (hey, I was sort of upside down) so he zoomed in and there it was. THEN I could breathe again and I finally felt relieved. Doctor said that everything is measuring just about right on track and the baby's heart rate was 186. That sounds really high, but the doctor said it's nice and strong.

So that was that. We got our cute little picture, I was told to stop talking all my supplements (Really? What if I'm not ready??), and they sent us on our way. I'm sad, but not that sad. Tomorrow morning I have my first appointment with the nurse at a new OB's office. I saw two different RE's and they both were very happy with my choice of doctor so hopefully I'll like this office too. And hopefully from here on out, I will be a perfectly normal and boring pregnant person.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

One More Sleep

Only one more sleep until our second ultrasound. Less than 24 hours. I'm so, so nervous.

Tomorrow is our second "baby scan" at the clinic and if everything looks okay, we will graduate from the RE. I'm worried that everything is not okay. I'm worried that I was wrong about the incident over the weekend. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping, but I know that is not a guarantee that everything is okay. Part of me realizes that there is a 90% chance that the baby is fine, but another part remembers that there was an 85% chance that we would get pregnant on our own in under a year. There was a 60-70% chance that my endometriosis would not cause infertility. I'm a statistical loser, so I worry.

I'm making a deal with myself. If all goes well tomorrow, I'm going to take the day to just be happy. I'm not going to worry. I'm going to let myself feel excited about this and enjoy it even if it only lasts for a few hours.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

8 weeks

Ugh, today is not my best day. May be my worst day so far. (TMI) I'm having really severe...butt pain. Without getting too graphic it feels like your worst constipation nightmare. Except I haven't had any constipation. I suspect that it has something to do with things growing and stretching in areas where my endometriosis wasn't removed because it feels similar to pains I've had before, just much more extreme. It's also possible that one of my cysts ruptured, but who knows. I don't think it's anything I need to call my doctor about so I'm just praying that it will ease up soon.

Anyway - it's a new week! 

How far along: 8 weeks

About baby: Baby is about an inch long (about the size of a raspberry or kidney bean) and starting to move and look like an actual baby!

Physical symptoms:  I'm still feeling tired, hungry, and queasy plus I have a serious pain in the butt.      

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Nothing yet.

Maternity clothes:  Not needed though, like I said, I'm still avoiding actual pants when possible.

Stretch marks: Nothing yet.

Sleep: Peeing all night, sleeping all day.

Best moment of the week: Best moment was when Packer sent me a picture of the beautiful blanket that she made for baby!

Movement: Not yet, though I'm hoping we'll be able to see something on the u/s this week.

Food cravings: Carbs. The only things that sound appealing to me are potatoes and mac n cheese.

Sex: No idea, but apparently the internal sex organs are forming this week.

Labor signs: Definitely not.

Belly button: Still in.

What I miss: Mostly I just miss actually liking the taste of food.

What I am looking forward to: Second u/s is this week! If all goes well, we'll graduate from the RE and then I'll have my first OB appointment.

Milestones: I'm still pregnant. Doesn't that count?

Friday, June 6, 2014

(After) IF Brain

I've read that infertility doesn't go away when you get pregnant. Obviously, that's true on a physical level (my endometriosis will never go away, even if pregnancy helps to calm it down). It's very true on a mental and emotional level too. I thought I was prepared for that. I've read all about it on sites like RESOLVE and I've seen friends deal with the wild range of emotions that come along with getting pregnant after dealing with infertility. Even though I knew what to expect, I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed emotions.

I spent the better part of the last two years imagining what it would be like to get pregnant. In the beginning, I assumed that I would be thrilled. We'd get the BFP and we'd celebrate. Maybe I would do some sort of cute announcement for Seth and our parents. As more and more time went by, that fantasy dissolved. When I imagined seeing a positive test, I figured I would be excited but shocked - is this really happening? Then when we got to the point of starting treatment, I thought that if I was ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant, I would just cry and cry with relief.

I haven't cried at all yet. The day I saw my first positive pregnancy test, there were no tears. There was the shock that I expected and some excitement for sure. My face sort of acted like it was going to cry, but nothing came out. When I told Seth, when I told my mom - nothing. When I got the call about our first positive beta, my voice shook when I spoke to the nurse but there were still no tears. The moment Dr. M said that our baby's heart was beating I thought I would lose it. My throat got tight but then - still nothing.

I'm just having such a hard time believing that this is real. After spending so much time fearing the worst and going through month after month of failure, I don't trust my body. I was a statistical failure when it came to getting pregnant on my own, so it's hard to believe that the same thing won't be true when it's comes to having a healthy pregnancy.

Even though I totally sympathized with friends who have been through this already, I can't help being hard on myself. I feel so guilty complaining about this. It's like - you're pregnant, boo-fucking-hoo. Barely two months ago, I would have given anything to trade places with someone in my current shoes. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what to think or feel. I feel like I'm thinking and feeling all of the wrong things. I feel guilty when I'm feeling like this isn't real and I feel like a fool when I have a thought or make a comment about actually having a baby.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Sometimes just talking it out helps me figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it. Hopefully I don't sound too much like an ungrateful lunatic.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

7 weeks

I don't know if I'll remember to keep up with these check-ins, but I'm going to try. It might feel good to celebrate another week being pregnant. Maybe it will help with the nerves and my inability to trust that this is real.

How far along: 7 weeks!

Physical symptoms: Fatigue, nausea, headaches, overactive bladder, and extreme hunger.        

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Down one pound (back to pre-IVF weight)

Maternity clothes:  Not necessary. I hate wearing pants, but that's nothing new for me.

Stretch marks:  I doubt it, but I haven't been looking for them.

Sleep: Sleeping through the night is impossible, but I'm on summer schedule so I can take plenty of naps!

Best moment of the week: Seeing the baby's heartbeat and hearing that he/she is growing right on track!

Movement: Nope. I think the baby will be starting to move soon, but I won't feel it for awhile.

Food cravings: None. Despite being hungry all the time, nothing sounds good to me.

Sex: Too soon to tell.

Labor signs: None.

Belly button: Same as usual. I'm freaked out about what will happen to a belly button that has been re-opened during surgery.

What I miss: Exercise. I'm still benched.

What I am looking forward to: Our next ultrasound (about 10 days from now) and exercise.

Milestones: I guess seeing the baby's heartbeat is a milestone.