8 Months

8 Month Check-in
I'm on time! E was completely unimpressed with my attempts at a cute photo this month. Ah well. We tried.

Weight: 18 lbs

Height: Still 29 inches

Hair: His mullet-hawk is getting extra long. We have to do a full on comb-over after his baths.

Eyes: I think they'll probably stay blue at this point, right?

Sleep: Not bad. Most nights he sleeps 4-7 hours, wakes to eat once and then sleeps until morning. The other nights, he will wake a second time. I'm happy with this and he seems to be doing well. We are having some trouble with separation anxiety, but that's just something he'll grow out of eventually. 

Milestones: It was another big month for E. Actually, he sort of crammed it all into one week. 1) He finally started doing a proper on-all-fours crawl. 2) He learned to go from his belly to a sit position. 3) He figured out how to stand in his crib. 4) He says "mama" all the time now and he knows that it means me! I have been waiting 3 years for that moment and it's exactly as amazing as I imagined it would be. 5) He can free stand on his own for a few seconds at a time.

Likes: I think his two favorite things are reading and his dogs. I love the reading because it means we can sit still for 20 minutes. I also love that he loves the dogs and I love that they love him. He likes to chase them and let them lick his hands. Binks and Bear hate when he cries and they'll start howling whenever E gets upset. It's awesome.

Dislikes: Still hates - HATES - having his diaper changed and getting dressed. I don't know if it's PTSD from when he had horrible diaper rash or what. It's challenging though.

What's going on: Things are pretty good. We're still struggling with the eating most days, but we have had two awesome days in a row so I'm not going to dwell on it. It seems that E will eat when he's hungry so I just need to relax about it. I'm doing everything that I can. He will be fine. 

Things are going really well for me too in terms of the PPD/PPA. I have been feeling really good lately. I've made a big effort to get more involved in my local mom group and I actually met a few other girls (women? ladies? what are we?) that have babies around E's age. It's been really nice to have plans to look forward to and people to talk to. I also stopped taking the pill and I've been weaning very gradually. I think both of those things have also helped a lot as well. 

What's Next: For E, next up will be his 9 moth appointment. For me, well....

My cycle is back! We went to see Dr. M back in August to talk about what we need to do to prepare for a FET. He recommended that I wean and said that as soon as my cycle is back, I can call him and we can get started. I'll need to do one month of testing (blood work, trial transfer, etc) and then we're good to go. Right now, Seth and I are thinking that we'll sit this cycle out and then get started with testing on the next cycle. As long as things are fairly regular, that would mean we'd be doing a FET in November. I'm happy with that. I'd be happy to start sooner, but I think this will be good. It means I don't have to rush to completely wean. I can nurse for at least one more month and then possibly during the testing cycle as well. That would put us at 9.5 months which is way longer than I ever thought I'd be able to keep doing this.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!!!

Love,

Binks, Bear, Baby E, Ana and Seth

Binks and Bear

29 weeks

First, I need to show off my babies. They were crayons for Halloween - Binks was green and Bear was red. Bear doesn't mind dressing up, especially if he's rewarded with treats. Binks was not into his hat at all. As soon as I put his costume on he just froze, so I didn't make him wear it. We had so much fun sitting on the porch waiting for kids to come by though. I really do think my boys will love having a baby in the house.

How far along: 29 weeks

Countdown to EDD: 11 weeks/77 days 

Baby is the size of an: acorn squash. That's festive. Baby boy is about 3 lbs and growing quickly! No shit.

Physical symptoms: Some new stuff - lower back pain, inability to eat a full meal (and chest pain if I try), headaches - plus the usual soreness and fatigue.

Mood: Fine I guess, but I've been weirdly needy. I keep crying when Seth tries to leave the house. I think I'm just lonely during the week and so worried about being really lonely in January.    

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I don't really want to know. It feels like I gained a good amount this week.

Maternity clothes: Mostly yes but I went shopping for some maternity sweaters the other day and they are too big or just ridiculously unflattering. Non-maternity tunics are better.     

Sleep: Not too bad.

Best moment of the week: We toured the hospital this week. Seth and I had a great time and the hospital is awesome. They have separate birthing and recovery rooms, but they're all private. The standard birthing rooms are ugly (floral wallpaper) but have all of the same amenities of the VIP room (minus the refrigerator and big ass TV). However, the recovery rooms are all fully updated. Even the standard rooms have the "luxury shower" area and double beds. I don't think we'll bother upgrading to the VIP room (though they did drop the price to $200/night) because the only extra is a seating area for guests and we don't expect many/any guests.

Movement: Yep. I started kick counting this week. I highly recommend the Baby Bump Pro app. It's $2.99 (unless you have free Amazon credits - woohoo!) but it would be worth it, IMO. It's better than any of the free ones I tried and good for lazies who don't want to keep paper records.

Food cravings/aversions: I want all of the food, but it doesn't fit in my stomach anymore.

Sex: Boy

Labor signs: Still having lots of BH contractions, but water and rest really helps.

What I miss: I'm going to echo Jaytee and say that I miss being able to pull off shoes/socks/leggings by myself. It's such a difficult task these days.

What I am looking forward to: 30 weeks feels like a big deal. After that we'll be in single digit weeks!

Milestones: Same as above I guess.

Showing yet: Yes. This morning Seth said, "Wow look at you! It's starting to get real!". Starting? Really? I was unimpressed. Anyway - check me out in my men's department Christmas pajamas. It's "freezing" here in Florida. 

27 weeks - 3rd Trimester!!!

Woohoo - we made it to the third trimester! I can't believe it. Yesterday marked 6 months as well (counting from the 18th to the 18th). Only about three months to go!

I'm feeling much better this week. My fever and most of the aches were gone by Monday morning and I haven't had any problems since I started the antibiotics. Hopefully this isn't a reoccurring problem. Thanks so much for all of the good thoughts and advice last week! (Did I say this already? If so, I'm sorry. Pregnancy brain is very real.)

How far along: 27 weeks 

Countdown to EDD: 13 weeks/91 days

Baby is the size of a: Rutabaga (I don't actually know what the fuck that is.) Baby is practicing his breathing skills and he's showing signs of brain activity now.

Physical symptoms: Tired, sore hips, sore lower back, zero memory 

Mood:  Mostly good, a little bit irrational but I really can't blame that on pregnancy.  

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  +12

Maternity clothes: Still love them (although everything I'm wearing in this picture is regular).     

Sleep:  Not great, I'm getting up to pee too often.

Best moment of the week: I've been obsessed with a certain baby carrier and I found one for sale this week! It took some work, but I convinced Seth that we "needed" it and I bought it! I'm so pumped. He says he doesn't get it, but I know he'll love it. It's going to look great on him! Especially with a baby in it.

Movement: I think he moved from a side-to-side position to up-and-down because I'm noticing some movements are really high above my belly button now.

Food cravings/aversions: Still eating all of the cinnamon raisin everything.

Sex: Still a boy.

Labor signs: Nope.

What I miss: I missed a margarita on Friday.

What I am looking forward to: Tomorrow I have the glucose tolerance test and another Rhogam injection (assuming they don't dick it up again), so I'm looking forward to getting those out of the way.

Milestones: Third trimester!!! Woohoo! I'm so pumped.

Showing yet: Yep. Pardon my appearance - I told you I don't wear real clothes on Sunday. Look how cute Bear is though! Clearly, he thinks I'm a freak.

17 weeks

I'm sort of a mess this week. My PaIF brain is going a little crazy. I do not feel pregnant. I don't feel anything. Just nothingness. It's freaking me out a lot because I always felt a sense of nothingness before every CD1. I am NOT complaining about a lack of physical symptoms - I am so thankful that I have an easy pregnancy so far. I'm just having a really hard time with the mental stuff right now. It's like I'm having flashbacks to the 20 something cycles of failure and all of the same feelings are coming back - fear, sadness, hopelessness. Even though I can feel all of the stretchy feelings and I've been listening to Baby's heartbeat, I can't shake these feelings. Hopefully I start feeling better after my OB appointment this week.


How far along: 17 weeks! Baby is the size of an onion - about 5 inches long and weighs about 6 oz. His/her skeleton is still hardening and fat is starting to accumulate. 

Physical symptoms: Ute stretching and RLP

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Only +2.2 pounds. I guess I was just really bloated last week. Add this to the list of things that I'm worried about...

Maternity clothes: Still not wearing them, but I finally found a belly band that fits me - it's the one from Target. I think the brand is Ingrid and Isabel. This should get me through work in my regular pants for the first month or two.     

Stretch marks: This is a stupid question. The answer will be no until/if I get them and then it will be yes for the rest of the time. I'm done with this one.

Sleep: Eh. My hip pain is back, but it's not as bad as before so I'm getting an okay amount of sleep.

Best moment of the week: Easy - Chickin's BFP <3 <3 <3

Movement: Nothing yet :(

Food cravings: Olives, french fries, soda, olives

Sex: Not sure yet

Labor signs: None

Belly button: Same as the stretch marks question

What I miss: Walking my dogs (actually holding the leash). I wasn't allowed to walk them when I was on exercise restrictions and now everyone is afraid for me to walk them alone in case I fall or something. There's this fucking fox in the neighborhood that follows us - really closely - every single day and the dogs freak out and pull to try to get it. So I understand everyone's concerns, but I miss just taking my boys out whenever I want. At least we can still go for rides in the car.

What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for Seth to get back from his trip this week. And also - only 8 more sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm so, so nervous.

Milestones: Still pregnant as far as I know. 

Bump Watch: Yeah...there's not much there. 

16 weeks

This was, thankfully, a pretty uneventful week especially compared to last weekend. Seth and I have started deep cleaning and reorganizing our room to prepare for Baby. At first we were thinking we'd just keep Baby in our room until we move, but I think we're going to check with my FIL to see if we can use one of the guest bedrooms as a nursery. I can't imagine he will give a shit, so we'll be sorting through that room next. I'm trying to get a bunch of stuff done now before I start working.

We also had my cousin, her H, and their five month old baby visit this week. I was so impressed and relieved to see how well Binks and Bear did with the baby. Binks was more interested in him than Bear was, but they were both really, really good. I have to share some pictures.

How far along: 16 weeks! Baby is the size of an avocado. He/she should be able to start hearing me soon. 

Physical symptoms: Other than some pretty intense stretching and endo-like pain the past few days, I feel pretty normal. It's kind of freaking me out.       

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  +4 pounds! I was so surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was getting a little worried since I don't feel like I'm growing, but I think 4 pounds is okay. 

Maternity clothes: I bought some jeans and leggings on sale this weekend, but they won't fit me for a few weeks. Also, it's too fucking hot for pants right now. I can't wait for "fall".

Stretch marks: None that I've noticed.

Sleep: Still sleeping pretty well!

Best moment of the week: Hmm...I guess seeing my pups get along with a baby. Also, I love seeing Seth doing things to get ready for his/her arrival.

Movement: Nothing yet :(

Food cravings: Coke and Dr. Pepper

Sex: Not sure yet.

Labor signs: None.

Belly button: The same.

What I miss: Beer

What I am looking forward to: 15 sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm not too stressed about the Integrated Screen this week. If we get a high-risk result for Down Syndrome, so be it. If we get a high-risk result for something else, we'll probably get a better idea of what's going on at the a/s the following week anyway.

Milestones: I never know what to put here. I'm still pregnant? Baby had a skeleton last weekend so I guess he/she is growing nicely?

Bump Watch: We finally got a new mirror so I don't need my heels anymore but I included them one more time for Jaytee! My bump still looks smaller than after Thanksgiving dinner, for example, but my boobs are bigger! (Meaning - I actually have boobs!) 

11 weeks

This was a very uneventful week which is a great thing during pregnancy. The spotting has been completely gone since maybe Monday. I'm so glad. It's so much easier to just relax when everything seems "normal". 

We also spent most of the week down in the Keys with Binks and Bear. It was nice to get away from our usual routine. Although it was really fucking hot. I was a little nervous for me and the dogs to be outside too long in the afternoon, but we enjoyed the mornings and the evenings. We also got to check out another new state park - it was beautiful!

How far along: 11 weeks! Baby is about 4.5 cm/1.6 in long - about the size of a plum or a lime (what kind of tiny fruit are they buying?). Yesterday I held up a ruler to my stomach and I just can't believe a baby that size is in there somewhere. 

Physical symptoms: I'm still very tired, but I only had a few moments of nausea this past week.       

Total Weight Gain/Loss: No change recently. I'm still at my pre-IVF weight.

Maternity clothes: Not needed yet. However, I did buy some new bras. I didn't realize how uncomfortable mine were until I tried on a "bigger" size (still just a little B). I also bought the most amazing non-maternity drawstring linen shorts from Loft. They have similar ones at Old Navy, but they didn't have my size. Bummer.     

Stretch marks: Not yet.

Sleep: Sucks. Even with my new body pillow, I'm having trouble getting comfortable. I wake up with hip pain often.

Best moment of the week: Like I said, this was a dull week. But I'm still pregnant!

Movement: Not yet.

Food cravings: Beer, regular coke, soft pretzels, and anything chocolate (milkshake, ice cream, donut). I'm resisting the beer of course, but I let myself have about 8 oz of coke since I don't really have any other caffeine. And I made a chocolate milkshake yesterday. There was milk in it, so it was healthy.

Sex: Not sure. I forget if I said this yet, but during our first IVF cycle I could only picture a boy. This time, I always think it's a girl. I am usually wrong when it comes to other people's babies.

Labor signs: Not yet.

Belly button: Still in.

What I miss: Beer, coke, sleeping through the night, and soft pretzels.

What I am looking forward to: Later this week I will finally be going to visit my family! I can't wait, I miss them (and the pretzels) so much. Also, 9 sleeps until the NT scan. Also also, I'm almost to the second trimester!

Milestones: All of the baby's organs should be fully formed and functioning at this point. 

And because I can't forget my first babies - Bear and Binks celebrated their 3rd birthday this week. The vacation was actually a birthday trip for them. They also got some new treats and a lifetime week-long supply of poop bags.

A long week

People always refer to the ups and downs you experience while dealing with infertility as the "IF roller coaster". It's a good description. I'm finding that when you get pregnant you don't get off the roller coaster - you just switch tracks. This week was definitely full of ups and downs for me.

It started up with my second ultrasound and graduation day! It got even upper on Monday when I received the most beautiful baby blanket ever from Packer. Just as I hoped, seeing the blanket that Packer made for me helped me feel like this baby is real. I was happy. We'll come back to this...

Later that night things went slightly downhill. I went to the bathroom to find that I had been spotting pretty heavily, though I had no cramps. I called my older sister and we talked and decided that there were plenty of harmless reasons that would explain the spotting (I'd had an ultrasound, an exam, and sex). I was really anxious and cried a bit, but I was okay when I went to bed. I called the nurse in the morning and she confirmed that there was likely nothing to worry about. As the day went on, the spotting seemed to get less an less. Though to be honest, I was still pretty nervous. Even though I could explain the spotting and the mild cramps (thanks giant ovaries and cysts) I was having a hard time believing the baby was fine.

By Wednesday, the spotting was almost gone. Until that night when it got heavy again. My PaIF buddies reassured me that it was probably fine, but that it would be okay to call and ask to be seen so that's what I did on Thursday morning. I went in and met my new OB who is awesome. She said if I ever feel like I need an ultrasound or exam, I should just ask. She also has endometriosis and went through IVF at the same clinic so she said she understands what it's like to be "a little nuts". Anyway, she did an exam and confirmed that my cervix was bleeding but otherwise everything looked fine. The ultrasound confirmed that baby is fine too (measuring ahead at 9 weeks 6 days with a heart rate of 167).

The only issue was that because my blood type is A-, the doctor wanted me to get the Rhogam injection. After a dozen phone calls and two different hospitals, I finally got it done this evening. It fucking hurt. If IVF injections felt like that there is no way I would have made it through one cycle.

So. All is well for now. I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm going to try the home doppler again once I'm over 10 weeks. Seth, the pups, and I are also going to take a mini break to the Keys during the week!

And now to AW my beautiful blanket. Packer really does an amazing job. If you have any knitwear needs, you should definitely check out Packer's Etsy shop (see her blog for details). The blanket that she made for me is a gorgeous deep blue-teal color. It is so snuggly and warm and it will be perfect for a January baby. I am so thankful for such a beautiful gift from such a wonderful friend.

Mini Break

Yesterday, Seth and I took the dogs to the Keys for a nice little mini vacation. My BIL just bought a house down there so we decided to first take the dogs to a new state park in the morning and then spend the day visiting Seth's brother. It was so nice. The park was really similar to the state park that we go to near the house. Lots of trees and shade, but it was less crowded than our park. There was a lot to see too - lots of limestone with fossilized coral, birds, butterflies, and new smells for Binks and Bear.

Then we went a little farther south to the next Key were my BIL now lives. The house was so cute. It's just a little cottage type place (that needs a bit of work) but the yard was awesome. It's big in the front and in the back and it's completely fenced in so Binks and Bear could stay outside all day. There's also a wide deck along 3 sides of the house and docks along the canal. It was nice to just sit on the water and watch the dogs chase the iguanas off the dock. Seth and I also brought our kayak down and took it out into the bay. We saw a nurse shark!

We also "came out" to some IRL friends for the first time too. We knew that they were having trouble because my BIL mentioned it to us, but I didn't feel like it was his information to share so we never talked to them about it. Yesterday, the wife told me us that she was getting ready to try IVF so we told her that we were doing it too. It turns out that they have been trying for eight years. EIGHT years. It didn't sound like they were really trying the whole time (she and her husband lived in separate countries for a year or two at one point), but that must have been a very long and difficult eight years. She tried IUI twice and also had laparoscopic surgery. Her diagnosis is unexplained infertility. They just started working with an RE in the US and expect him to recommend that they move to IVF now.

It didn't go like I imagined it would. I thought that it would be nice to have someone to talk who would understand what we're going through, but I'm not sure that she will be someone that I can really relate to about this. She's a wonderful person, incredibly kind, but we're very different. She's more like Seth - unfailingly optimistic whereas I'm more guarded and realistic. She seems very confident that IVF is going to give her all of the kids she wants, while I'm still terrified that I might not even get one.

She also said some things that bugged me. When I said that I was diagnosed with endometriosis, she told me that it was great! At least I have a diagnosis and most people with endometriosis have the problem fixed during surgery. While that may be the case for some people, it hasn't been true for me. It bothered me that she thought I should be happy that I have a disease that will cause me pain and problems for most of my life. I understand that it's frustrating to not know what the problem is, but it's also frustrating to know what the problem is and not know how to solve it. Surgery didn't work. IVF #1 didn't work.

Another thing that bothered me was when she said that I didn't need to go through treatment right now because you don't really need to worry until it's been two or three years. As if we were jumping the gun and overreacting. Umm, 12 months is the medical standard. Maybe we don't need to do IVF. We could decide to give up and not pursue treatments. But we don't want to. If we want a decent chance of having a child, we do need to do this now. I can't imagine what eight years of infertility feels like, but that doesn't mean that 20 months doesn't suck too. Again, I understand why she'd say this - she's 10 years older than me - but I couldn't help feeling like our pain was being minimized.

Gosh that was long. I just needed to get that out. Like I said, she's a wonderful person. I don't think we'll be IF buddies but I'm sure she's the type of person to add me to her prayer list and that means more than enough to me.

On the bright side, during our conversation she kept struggling to find the right words (she speaks Spanish) for all of the reproductive terminology and testing and Seth was able to translate everything. I was so proud. He might not have much to say, but it's nice to know that he's always listening to me <3

IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase
BCP: 13 down, 7 to go
Days until baseline: 10

Update on Bear

This morning the vet called to let us know that Bear's little tumor was benign!! I am so happy and so relieved. I made the mistake of googling the malignant cancer she had mentioned and scared the shit out of myself - I was a mess all weekend. The vet said that it was a histiocytoma which is a benign skin tumor that is common in young dogs. They're often no big deal and many times they just go away on their own. I am so, so thankful that Bear is healthy and that there are no long-term issues that we need to worry about. It was completely removed and now it's all over. I'm so glad that he doesn't have to go through any more testing - the poor little guys has been through too much already.

Thanks again for all of the love and prayers. Like I said, I was a mess (my anxiety has been poorly controlled lately) but it was so helpful to have so many people thinking of us!

Frankenbear

Thank you to everyone for the good thoughts and prayers!

It sounds like everything went well with Bear's procedure today. They removed the bump and stitched him up. Binks was so happy to see Bear when we picked him up.

I was a little bit shocked when we saw him - it looks like they removed a nice chuck. With the shaved head and the giant stitches, he looks like one of those Frankenstein cartoons.

Bear was exhausted and very high when we picked him up. It took him awhile to recover, but thankfully he perked up around dinner time and it seems like he's feeling a lot better now.

The vet mentioned the malignant cancer again. She said she's concerned about it because normally anything that's benign will heal quickly. Bear's bump didn't heal, but he also banged his head really hard against the coffee table midway through the treatment with the cream. I'm hoping that was the issue. We should find out within a week.

Thanks again for all of the love!

*For the record, I'm aware that I'm a crazy dog lady. IDGAF.

My "Furst" Baby

Today sucks.

About two weeks ago, I took Bear to the vet because he had a little bump on his head. We noticed it because it was bleeding, but it didn't look like just a regular cut. The vet said that it probably wasn't a big deal because it was small and it seemed to be just in the upper layer of his skin. She gave us so sort of cream and told us to come back in 7-10 days if it wasn't gone or better.

Well, it's not gone or better. It's still bleeding and the bump hasn't changed in size at all. We took him back this morning. The vet was surprised that it wasn't gone. She said that it's still possible that it's no big deal - it could be a wart or some other harmless skin thing. She was concerned that it wasn't healing though and mentioned two cancers - one malignant, one benign - and thought that we should remove it in case it's one of those. If it's the latter, no big deal - at least we removed it so it doesn't keep bleeding and get infected. If it's the first one, the malignant one...I can't think about that right now.

I'm so worried. Bear is my first baby. We went through all of that bullshit with his kidney and the surgeries when he was just 2.5 months old. Now he's only 2.5 years old and he might have cancer? The poor little guy hates the vet. He tries to sit in my lap as soon as we get in the exam room. Today he just kept his little face in my lap while the vet tried to get a biopsy (it was too small, unfortunately). I hate that we have to put him through more testing.

Binks didn't like when his brother was taken to the back room. He's a sweet boy too.

On Wednesday morning, I'm going to drop him off and they're going to try to remove it using just local anesthetic since he's such a good boy. I wish I could sit with him though. After that, we'll have to wait for the pathology report to come back. I hope that it doesn't take too long. There can't be something wrong with him. I need him to be fine.

Look at that little face. He's such a mama's boy. Please say a prayer for my little Bear!

Follie Scan #1 and Stuff

Yesterday morning was my first monitoring appointment since starting the stimulation meds. It was day 4 of stims (so 3 nights of injections). I didn't ask for any details about my follicle growth. I thought if I had the information, I would stress myself out analyzing the results. My E2 was 186. I've seen some clinics say that they like to see a level of 100-300 at this stage, so that seems okay. My instructions were to continue taking my meds at the same dose and come back for the next scan on Monday morning (day 6). I'm going to assume that means that everything is going okay - not too fast, not too slow - otherwise they would have changed my doses, right?

My lucky streak is officially over. I haven't really had many noticeable side effects up until the past two days or so. Now I do. It's like PMS on steroids. I cannot stop crying. Super ugly crying. About anything and everything. On the bright side, I'm not as ragey as I normally am on PMS, I'm just really emotionally unstable.

The weird thing (Good? Bad? I have no idea.) is that I'm not even thinking about whether or not this will be successful. All I can think about it whether or not I'm doing everything right. I'll have a good day with the meds and then the next day is complete shit. I am a mess. Last night I spilled some of the Menopur (fucking Q-caps). I thought it was just a drop, so I continued with the Gonal-F and then at the end I realized I was 1/4 mL short. I freaked out. Luckily I was able to talk to the on-call nurse who said it was fine and not to bother starting over with new vials, but I still spent a good hour crying and shaking. I can't handle the pressure that I put on myself. I'm so worried about everything being perfect and I will beat the shit out of myself if I think I did something wrong. I'm not going to be able to relax until my next appointment. This time I'm going to ask about the follicle growth because I need to know that I didn't (or did) screw it up.

Clearly, I need to work on my stress management. Maybe I will start crocheting again. Or I could find a new book to read. On Friday and Saturday, Seth I took the Binks and Bear for nice walks in two of the parks nearby. That really helps because it takes up a lot of time, it's so nice to be outside, and I just love spending time with Seth and my boys.

I hope that we can keep doing this during the week even though we work on different schedules. I mean, our neighborhood is nice, but it's so much nicer to be in the parks. The path goes right next to the water and the trees smell so good. It reminds me of being at home and that feels good.

9 dpo

...and nothing to report. I've had my usual PMS symptoms for a few days now and my temp looks like it's on it's way down, so I'm feeling pretty confident that this cycle was a bust too. My chart is all jacked up due to traveling and the change in climate (from AC to heat).

According to my average LP, I should start my next cycle on Christmas Day or the day after. Last month my LP was only 12 days though so I'm hoping that it happens a little bit early this month too. I'd rather not test since I have no hope and it would be better to be able to enjoy a Christmas cocktail without guilt than to be spending Christmas just waiting for the end. Also, at this point I have very little hope that we'll conceive on our own anyway so bring on the short cycles! I'm so ready for my BCP cycle.

I'm feeling okay though. I've been keeping very busy - shopping with my mom and sisters, walking Binks and Bear in the snow, and wrapping up more end-of-semester bullshit. I also need to get started on my syllabi and lessons for next semester.

I just need to get through the next week or so. I need to get through the holidays and the fake smiles and the "Yes, I'm fine thanks". I need to get through the start of cycle 21 and month 18. I just need to get through it and then I can focus on moving forward. We haven't changed our plans about holding off on prepping for IVF until after next cycle, but I can get started on my pre-IVF stuff soon. Once I get to CD1, I'll call to schedule my mock transfer and pap test and go in to double check my AMH. At least it will feel like we're finally making progress.

And now for some shameless AWing. The snow really works for Binks and Bear. Bear especially looks like such a model in the right photo. He looks like a calendar dog. Is it weird that I'm totally jealous of how photogenic my dogs are?

Are we there yet?

Nope. We're just about halfway there.

I woke up this morning at 4:30. Probably from exam anxiety even though I was giving the test and not taking it. Once the exam was over, I finished up all of the end-of-semester bullshit and hurried home. I got back around 12 and then we started the 1000+ mile drive to my parent's house outside Philadelphia.

I am sooo bored. And really, really uncomfortable. As if sitting on your ass for ten hours doesn't suck enough, traveling triggers my endo pain. Any type of crouching or sitting with my legs at a right angle (or less) to my back causes me more pain than anything else. I can't wait to get out and lay flat in bed.

Banks and Bear are doing well. Binks did a lot of pacing for the first hour, but once he realized that nothing was happening he calmed down. They've been sprawled out napping in the back for most of the day. I'm so jealous. I also feel awful because I completely forgot to give them water. I noticed Binks licking the window and had an Oh shit! moment. Luckily the ice in the cooler melted.

We're going to stop soon (I think we're somewhere in NC) and finish the drive tomorrow - hopefully with only seven hours to go. I'm a little worried because they're supposed to get snow in Philly tomorrow but hopefully the roads won't be too bad by the time we get far enough north for snow and ice. I'm excited for Binks and Bear to see their first snow. I don't know what my Florida dogs will think of it. They love sunshine. I think they get cold in the air conditioning (drives Seth cazy), but they'll probably love it. And I will AW the shit of them like the stage mom that I am.

And now you're as bored as I am. Suckas.