Here we go!

This is the first month that we're officially seeking help with our efforts to have a baby. Today is day 2 of month 12 and I just had my first non-consultation appointment with the RE.

It all started in April 2012. I started experiencing pelvic pain during the second half of my cycle. At first I just figured I was getting older, my body was probably changing again, no big deal. After talking to some friends, I started to get the impression that it was NOT normal to feel pain so frequently. I called my doctor and she recommended that I come in for an ultrasound to check for cysts. I had my first transvaginal ultrasound in June and, thankfully, everything looked fine. I told the doctor that we were ready to start trying for a baby and she said that should be no problem! In fact, she said I would have "no trouble" getting pregnant and suggested that I consider egg donation! Awesome.

By December, I still wasn't pregnant and the pain was getting worse and more frequent. There was no pattern to when I felt pain. It happened all throughout my cycle. I called the doctor again and she had me come in for a second ultrasound. Again, everything looked great. It was at this time that she first suggested that my symptoms sounded like endometriosis.

"Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region. Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available." (From Mayo Clinic)

My doctor ran some blood work just to rule out some other possibilities. She recommended that we try for three more months and if we had no success she'd send me to a specialist.

Three months came and went without success and that's how I came to have my third encounter with the dildo camera this morning (don't know the results of this ultrasound yet). Two weeks ago, I met with the RE and discussed my symptoms. He agreed that it sounds like endo is the likely culprit. We decided that I will first have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG - more on this next week) and then depending on the results, I may also need laparoscopic surgery. Lap surgery is the only way to diagnose endometriosis. Sometimes, the doctor may be able to treat or remove some of the extra tissue during the surgery.

I don't really know what to think. I hope that I don't have endometriosis, but on the other hand if I don't have it, then why are we having trouble getting pregnant? It is so confusing and sometimes really scary, but for now, I've done everything that I can do. All I can do is hope and pray for positive results (whatever that means) next week. The rest is out of my control. My husband and I talked last night and we decided to pretend that the last 11 months never happened. We want a fresh start and fresh attitude. This is the month we're really starting to try for a baby. We're hoping this will help us to keep thinking positively.

So. Today is Friday - woot woot! I'm taking the weekend off from my fertility woes. I plan to spend the weekend snuggled up at home with my husband (let's call him Seth from now on) and my dogs (we can call them Bear and Binky, two of the many nicknames that I have for them).

The Happy Life Plan

I recently turned 28 years old. During my birthday dinner someone said to me, “Ten years ago, you were 18. Is this how you thought your life would be in ten years?”.  My answer was, “Fuck no”.

When I was 18, my late twenties and true adulthood seemed so far away (true adulthood still seems so far away, if we’re being honest).  I imagined that by the time I was 28, I would be finished with school. I’d have a sweet job. I’d be married to a wonderful man. We’d live in a perfect house with our two perfect children. Well, now I’m 28 and I’ve only checked one item off my list - I do, in fact, have a pretty awesome husband. Other than that, my 18-year-old self would be pretty disappointed in us.

I definitely don’t have a sweet job yet. Actually, I don’t really have any job.  As it turns out, I really don’t like what I do so I’ve decided to drop out of the Ph.D. program that I’ve been in for 3 years. It was a really difficult decision but I think it’s for the best. In three months, my contract will run out and I have no idea what I’m going to do next. It’s terrifying.  Since my husband is still a student, this is also means no perfect house for us either.

It also turns out that I am somewhat...let’s say ‘subfertile’. After over a year of chronic pelvic pain and 11 cycles without success, I’ve been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. We’re about to start the process of poking and prodding to figure out what’s causing the pain and determine if it’s something that’s keeping me from getting pregnant.  Again, it’s terrifying. It’s incredibly frustrating. It can be very lonely. I definitely didn’t see this one coming when I was 18.

It’s so easy to dwell on everything that we don’t have yet. No job, no house, no baby. It’s easy to worry about the future. Will I find a job? When will my husband graduate? When will we buy a house? Will we ever have a baby? How? When??? I’m so tired of feeling like I’m waiting for my life to start.

For better or for worse, this is my life and I really am fortunate in so many ways. I’m grateful that I have the freedom to quit my job and pursue other options. I’m thrilled that I have such an awesome husband who’s been a wonderful partner throughout this process of growing our family. And I do have two perfect “children” – I have two of the sweetest dogs in the world who never fail to cheer me up!

That's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I think it sums up my feelings and reasons for starting this blog pretty well. I plan to use this blog to help me stay focused on all of these wonderful things and accept that there is so much that I just can’t control. I plan find the positives wherever I can along the path from here to tomorrow. I plan to have a happy life.