Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Happy Life Plan

I recently turned 28 years old. During my birthday dinner someone said to me, “Ten years ago, you were 18. Is this how you thought your life would be in ten years?”.  My answer was, “Fuck no”.

When I was 18, my late twenties and true adulthood seemed so far away (true adulthood still seems so far away, if we’re being honest).  I imagined that by the time I was 28, I would be finished with school. I’d have a sweet job. I’d be married to a wonderful man. We’d live in a perfect house with our two perfect children. Well, now I’m 28 and I’ve only checked one item off my list - I do, in fact, have a pretty awesome husband. Other than that, my 18-year-old self would be pretty disappointed in us.

I definitely don’t have a sweet job yet. Actually, I don’t really have any job.  As it turns out, I really don’t like what I do so I’ve decided to drop out of the Ph.D. program that I’ve been in for 3 years. It was a really difficult decision but I think it’s for the best. In three months, my contract will run out and I have no idea what I’m going to do next. It’s terrifying.  Since my husband is still a student, this is also means no perfect house for us either.

It also turns out that I am somewhat...let’s say ‘subfertile’. After over a year of chronic pelvic pain and 11 cycles without success, I’ve been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. We’re about to start the process of poking and prodding to figure out what’s causing the pain and determine if it’s something that’s keeping me from getting pregnant.  Again, it’s terrifying. It’s incredibly frustrating. It can be very lonely. I definitely didn’t see this one coming when I was 18.

It’s so easy to dwell on everything that we don’t have yet. No job, no house, no baby. It’s easy to worry about the future. Will I find a job? When will my husband graduate? When will we buy a house? Will we ever have a baby? How? When??? I’m so tired of feeling like I’m waiting for my life to start.

For better or for worse, this is my life and I really am fortunate in so many ways. I’m grateful that I have the freedom to quit my job and pursue other options. I’m thrilled that I have such an awesome husband who’s been a wonderful partner throughout this process of growing our family. And I do have two perfect “children” – I have two of the sweetest dogs in the world who never fail to cheer me up!

That's one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I think it sums up my feelings and reasons for starting this blog pretty well. I plan to use this blog to help me stay focused on all of these wonderful things and accept that there is so much that I just can’t control. I plan find the positives wherever I can along the path from here to tomorrow. I plan to have a happy life.

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