Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Two Week Wait

Anyone who has ever tried to conceive a baby knows what I'm talking about. It's the two weeks between ovulation and the day you can expect either a positive pregnancy test or your next period. I most often hear it described as an absolute mindfuck and unfortunately I think that's a pretty good description. It's as if your body and the hopeful, irrational part of your brain gang up on the realistic and rational side and totally fuck with your feelings.

For me, the TWW always starts off pretty good. I'm feeling great, hopeful. We have done everything that we can possibly do and now it's out of our hands. The pressure is off. I can just sit back and "relax" for the next two weeks or so. This feeling usually lasts for the first 5 or 6 days post ovulation (dpo).

Next, comes the period of time where I start to analyze every little twinge or unusual feeling my body experiences. It lasts from around 7-10 dpo. This is time where, theoretically, a person could actually start to experience pregnancy-related symptoms because implantation typically takes place around this time. Of course my body chooses this time to be super tired or extra crampy. My face suddenly looks like that of an adolescent boy. My boobs are killing me (TMI? sorry). This is the time when the crazy side of my brain starts yelling "OMG it worked! You're so pregnant!" and no matter how many times it's made this false claim in the past, I let myself believe it, just a little bit. Even though my rational side knows that it's early and everything I'm feeling is most likely due to extra progesterone and PMS, I still feel hopeful.

For me, the next few days are complete agony. By 11 or 12 dpo, I can usually tell that I'm not pregnant. My temperature starts to drop. I have stronger cramps. Sometimes I just have this empty feeling. I wake up just knowing that it didn't work. Maybe that's crazy, but since I've been right 11 times out of 11 cycles, who knows? I find these few days more upsetting and frustrating than when my period actually starts because I know there's no hope but there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. This is usually when I let myself have a good ugly cry and feel angry at myself. Angry that my body doesn't work right. Angry that I let myself feel hopeful.

My period usually starts 13 or 14 dpo and I actually start to feel better, often with the help of a good bottle of wine. It's like a fresh start. We hold some of the cards again. There's a reason to be hopeful.
Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc - one of my favorites. It's super light and crisp with a hint of citrus flavor.
I have a feeling this month will be tough for me. I'm not really sure what's going on with my body since the HSG, but I'm pretty confident that I'm now in the TWW. I'm not sure whether I have one or two working tubes. Who knows which side I ovulated on? Maybe it was the bad side and we have zero chance. Maybe it was the good side and our chances are better since I had the procedure. I have no idea. It's frustrating and scary (have I mentioned that yet?). I have a feeling my irrational side is going to go buck ass wild this month. I'll have to be careful to keep my expectations in check. Luckily, my follow-up appointment with the R.E. is next week. I'll test that morning just in case, but even if it's negative it's nice to know that we're on the right track and we'll be coming up with a plan on how to move forward.

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