Survival Mode

Holy shit. These past 3-4 weeks have been a nightmare. Which is funny because nightmares typically require sleep. There has been very little sleep in our home recently.

This rough patch started right after E learned to roll at 15 weeks. We had to ditch the swaddle before he was ready and it was really tough on him. He still had a strong startle reflex. It was so hard to get him down to sleep because he would wake up right away. At the worst point, he was waking up every 30-60 minutes. We would end up holding or rocking him for over an hour trying to get him into a deep enough sleep to lay him back down.

About two weeks later, E went on a napping strike. He really only naps for 30-50 minutes. A nap longer than an hour is a rare treat. I have no idea how to help him. We've tried everything - nursing to sleep, going in the crib awake, wrap sacks, zipadeezips, sleepers, sleep sheep, white noise - nothing gets him past that 50 minute mark consistently. It's tough because he's overtired and I end up spending 12 hours alone with a cranky baby.

At some point, I lost it. I had a breakdown. Seth knew I had finally reached some limit, so he took off work to stay home with me. My mom made plans to fly down to be with me for a few days. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about PPD/PPA.

I knew something wasn't right, but I wasn't sure if it was PPD/PPA. I thought it was probably just situational depression - I'm beyond exhausted and so, so lonely without any family within 1200 miles. But that one morning, the morning that I lost it, I knew that something wasn't right. I wasn't handling the every day things the way that I should be. I was getting so overwhelmed and frustrated with the littlest things and that was making the bigger things even more difficult to handle. I've seen my doctor twice now and it has helped. I'll keep seeing her as needed.

We also had E's 4 month appointment. His doctor was not impressed with his weight or weight gain. He had been at the doctor's a week before this appointment, so we knew that he had no gained an ounce. He also had not doubled his birth weight yet. They encouraged me to supplement with a little formula, but I was really resisting it. We worked so hard to breastfeed and I wasn't ready to accept that it wasn't working. However, after I talked to my doctor about the PPD/PPA, something clicked. I realized that breastfeeding was contributing so much to my anxiety. I was constantly worried that E wasn't eating enough, that something wasn't right. I was finally ready to accept that it might not be best for us.

Luckily, we found a formula that E will tolerate. At first, I was just going to go cold turkey but I didn't even get a few hours into it before I changed my mind. I still wasn't ready to let it go. I decided that I would try doing formula during the day and nurse at night. That's what I'm doing now. My new plan is to just keep doing that as long as my body keeps up.

I think that I made the right decision. I can see the difference in E. He sleeps better. Not good, but better. He's gaining weight! He just looks healthier. It's probably not something that anyone else would notice, but I see the difference. I don't know what the problem was. Maybe I had a low supply (I don't think so). Maybe he was never able to get a good latch and it was just too much work for him. I'll never know and I will always wonder what happened.

Even though I think it's for the best, I'm still very sad that nursing is coming to an end for us. I cry often. It's bringing up a lot of feeling I had before E was born. I'm angry at my body. I'm bitter that I have to add to the list of things my body is supposed to do but doesn't. I'm starting to hate hearing people talk about breastfeeding the same way I hated hearing about honeymoon, cycle 1 and condom babies. I know that breastfeeding advocates think that almost all problems are in your head or can be fixed by a lactation consultant. It really bugs me that anyone could think I didn't try hard enough for my son. Bullfuck. I've had plenty of opportunities to prove that I would and will do whatever it takes for him. I know that I did everything in my power to make it work. Continuing to breast feed exclusively would have been for me, not for E. Anyone who doesn't believe that can suck it.

For now, I'm just trying to get through one day and night at a time. On a good night, E will only wake every 3 hours, nurse and go right back to sleep. On a bad/regular night, he's up every 1.5-2 hours plus an hour long party between 2 and 4 AM. It sucks but, like they say, it won't be like this forever. Sleep deprivation is torture but it will pass. The memories I have of nursing E at night and watching the contented look on his face as he snuggles into my arms, so happy and safe, will be with me forever.

Liquid Fucking Gold

I am so tired of hearing the phrase "liquid gold". If anyone mentions "liquid gold" to me again, they had better be talking about an ice cold beer.

In case you haven't heard, breast milk is referred to as liquid gold. I get it. It's the most healthy, most natural, most magical food you can give your baby. Fine. I don't disagree that breast milk is awesome. If I did, I wouldn't be putting myself through hell to make sure E gets it. But I believe the phrase "liquid gold" was designed to make women feel guilty. If breast milk is liquid gold, how could you possibly consider feeding your baby anything else? Even if you didn't have a choice in the matter, you hear that phrase and the implication is that what you're feeding your baby is just not as good.

We're still having a really shitty time with the breastfeeding. I won't go into all of the details, but it's been pretty awful. I spend most days in tears or in a state of panic. I'm still so angry that this is so difficult for us. I'm so sad that I'm not enjoying this with E. I'm terrified of feeding times. I spend so much time trying to decide when to pump, when to nurse, when to grab a bottle. I hate it. I know that I'm reaching the end of my rope, but I just keep trying to hold on no matter how miserable I am. All because of the lure of the liquid fucking gold.

If I'm honest with myself, I think that I will be much happier if I move on from the breastfeeding and start giving E formula. I won't be in pain. I won't have to worry about how much he is eating. I won't have to worry about when, where, how or what he is going to eat next. I believe that he will grow into a very happy and healthy boy if I feed him formula. I've seen so many other formula fed babies leading happy healthy lives. In fact, Seth recently found out that he was only breastfed for 2.5 months. He's a very happy, healthy guy. He's not obese, he doesn't have allergies and he's almost never sick. And he has a fucking PhD. Formula didn't ruin him. I guess we'll never know how glorious he would have been if he had been given liquid gold for the full first year, but I think he turned out just fine regardless.

Despite that, I just can't get myself to move on yet. I'm on a roller coaster. I'm determined to make it work. I convince myself that I'll figure it out, it will get easier. Then we hit a rough patch and I start spiraling back down. Then I tell myself that formula will be fine. I spend my free time researching formula and reading stories on Fearless Formula Feeder. I feel great. I'm going to make the switch and we'll be so happy. Then I feel my boobs fill up and I think - I have all of this liquid gold, I just need to get it to him. Just one more feed. Maybe it will be different. And then I start the cycle over again.

I'm supposed to go to the lactation center on Thursday, but I'm going to call in the morning to find out if they can see me sooner. I'm desperate. Either they will help me or I'll finally feel like I did everything I could to make it work. Hopefully I get one of the good consultants. If I get the anti-formula lady again, I will take a bottle of liquid gold and shove it up her ass.

17 weeks

I'm sort of a mess this week. My PaIF brain is going a little crazy. I do not feel pregnant. I don't feel anything. Just nothingness. It's freaking me out a lot because I always felt a sense of nothingness before every CD1. I am NOT complaining about a lack of physical symptoms - I am so thankful that I have an easy pregnancy so far. I'm just having a really hard time with the mental stuff right now. It's like I'm having flashbacks to the 20 something cycles of failure and all of the same feelings are coming back - fear, sadness, hopelessness. Even though I can feel all of the stretchy feelings and I've been listening to Baby's heartbeat, I can't shake these feelings. Hopefully I start feeling better after my OB appointment this week.


How far along: 17 weeks! Baby is the size of an onion - about 5 inches long and weighs about 6 oz. His/her skeleton is still hardening and fat is starting to accumulate. 

Physical symptoms: Ute stretching and RLP

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Only +2.2 pounds. I guess I was just really bloated last week. Add this to the list of things that I'm worried about...

Maternity clothes: Still not wearing them, but I finally found a belly band that fits me - it's the one from Target. I think the brand is Ingrid and Isabel. This should get me through work in my regular pants for the first month or two.     

Stretch marks: This is a stupid question. The answer will be no until/if I get them and then it will be yes for the rest of the time. I'm done with this one.

Sleep: Eh. My hip pain is back, but it's not as bad as before so I'm getting an okay amount of sleep.

Best moment of the week: Easy - Chickin's BFP <3 <3 <3

Movement: Nothing yet :(

Food cravings: Olives, french fries, soda, olives

Sex: Not sure yet

Labor signs: None

Belly button: Same as the stretch marks question

What I miss: Walking my dogs (actually holding the leash). I wasn't allowed to walk them when I was on exercise restrictions and now everyone is afraid for me to walk them alone in case I fall or something. There's this fucking fox in the neighborhood that follows us - really closely - every single day and the dogs freak out and pull to try to get it. So I understand everyone's concerns, but I miss just taking my boys out whenever I want. At least we can still go for rides in the car.

What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for Seth to get back from his trip this week. And also - only 8 more sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm so, so nervous.

Milestones: Still pregnant as far as I know. 

Bump Watch: Yeah...there's not much there. 

Follie Scan #4...One more day

Sorry this has been especially boring lately. I'm in data acquisition and recording mode. Focusing on the science and the facts helps me to stay relaxed. I need to save up my emotional stamina for next week.

Everything is still looking good I guess. I had a few follies jump ahead of the others, but overall they're still in a pretty close pack.

Right Side: 18.9, 17.9, 16.0, 15.4, 15.4, 15.0, 14.9, 14.8, 14.5, 14.3, 14.0, 12.8
Left Side: 17.2, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.6, 15.4, 15.2, 15.0, 14.8, 14.7, 13.9, 13.9

24 in total with 14 within 5 mm of the lead. My nurse said that the others are close enough that there is a great chance that they'll catch up by the time we get to retrieval day. Either way, it's a great batch and still much better results than we had last cycle.

Follicle Size	IVF #2	IVF #1
19		X X
18	X
17	X X	X
16	X X X	X
15	X X X X X X X X	X X X
14	X X X X X X X	X X X X X
13	X, X	X X
12	X	X X X X

That's my stim day 9 table. Day 9 was trigger day last time. We got 12 eggs which maybe could be the 12 biggest. I think that's the assumption behind looking for the ones within 5 mm of the lead (because they trigger when you have a bunch in the 16-20 mm range). So that's why we're so happy that they're growing at a more uniform rate. 

Quantity is great, but quality is probably more important and that was my other issue with IVF #1. One of Dr. M's hopes was that this protocol (and the more uniform growth) would help me get some better quality eggs. The other thing he mentioned was that maybe we could wait one more day before we trigger - that's what we're doing now. I have more dominant follicles than I did last time on day 9, but he decided to give me one more day of stims and we will probably trigger tomorrow. I hope this plan doesn't backfire.

I'm finally starting to get nervous. This was the "easy" part. Now is the time when things can start to go really wrong. I have so many fears - what if I ovulate early (WTF is that pain that I'm feeling now?), what if the eggs are too mature, what if the follicles are empty, what if they don't fertilize normally, what if the embryos arrest, what if they go to shit on day 3 again?

Two more days. I just need to get through two more days and then it will be out of my hands and all I can do at that point is pray.

IVF #2 Progress Report

Status: Stimulation phase

Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, doxycycline

E2: 3214

Lining: 10.8

Side effects: Hunger and weird pains that better not have anything to do with ovulation

FU IF

Sooo...yesterday's wallowing spiraled completely out of control into a complete nervous breakdown.

I don't even know how or why it happened. I was perfectly fine all afternoon.

Around 7:00 PM, we went to take Binks and Bear for a walk. Halfway through the walk, I noticed a weird pain in my right calf and I kept bending down to squeeze it in case it was a muscle thing. It wouldn't go away and it would get sharper when I took a step. Finally, I pulled my pant leg up to see if anything was going on and it really looked pretty normal. It wasn't red or swollen. It sort of looked like I had a patch of spider veins just below my knee though.

Of course my brain goes straight to "Oh my God - I'm on BCPs, I have a blood clot". I know. It's not normal to think that way. I've never pretended to be normal.

Seth looked at it and told me to calm down. He told me to just breathe and relax, it's fine. Of course, that made me start hyperventilating. Being told to breathe is a sure way to make that impossible. I started getting dizzy and short of breath (funny how the symptoms of a blood clot - or whatever you're worried about - are exactly the same as the symptoms of an anxiety attack).

So we got home and Seth jumped on the computer to do the Dr. Google thing and I went to look at the drug information packet for my pills. There's a section on there titled "Death from Birth Control". I scanned through it and saw the odds of death (25 or 40 deaths out of 100,000 - why not me?) and the possible indicators of a blood clot (pain in the calf) and I started crying and asking Seth to please take me to the hospital. I'm absolutely terrified of blood clots. In my mind, you really don't stand a chance against them.

So we went. I was shaking like crazy and my blood pressure was wild. They put me back in one of the little rooms and stuck me with an IV needle to check my electrolytes.

Then I started to relax. I started thinking more clearly. I knew those feelings. Anxiety is nothing new to me. It's never been so bad that I let myself think that I needed to go to the ER. That part is a first for me. As I sat there and waited for them to do an ultrasound on my leg (which was all clear) I felt so stupid and so embarrassed. At that point, I was absolutely sure that nothing was wrong with me. Nothing physical anyway.

I just cried from the humiliation and from anger. I was so angry. If I wasn't infertile I wouldn't be on the stupid pills. I wouldn't be so overwhelmed by so much pressure. I hate IF and I hate what I'm letting it do to me. I'm so, so angry. Fuck you, IF.

I'm glad that I'm fine, but I'm not fine. Fine people don't go to the ER because of anxiety. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it though. I feel like there's no going back. The quickest way to get through this is to keep moving forward. It has to be.