Holy shit. These past 3-4 weeks have been a nightmare. Which is funny because nightmares typically require sleep. There has been very little sleep in our home recently.
This rough patch started right after E learned to roll at 15 weeks. We had to ditch the swaddle before he was ready and it was really tough on him. He still had a strong startle reflex. It was so hard to get him down to sleep because he would wake up right away. At the worst point, he was waking up every 30-60 minutes. We would end up holding or rocking him for over an hour trying to get him into a deep enough sleep to lay him back down.
About two weeks later, E went on a napping strike. He really only naps for 30-50 minutes. A nap longer than an hour is a rare treat. I have no idea how to help him. We've tried everything - nursing to sleep, going in the crib awake, wrap sacks, zipadeezips, sleepers, sleep sheep, white noise - nothing gets him past that 50 minute mark consistently. It's tough because he's overtired and I end up spending 12 hours alone with a cranky baby.
At some point, I lost it. I had a breakdown. Seth knew I had finally reached some limit, so he took off work to stay home with me. My mom made plans to fly down to be with me for a few days. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about PPD/PPA.
I knew something wasn't right, but I wasn't sure if it was PPD/PPA. I thought it was probably just situational depression - I'm beyond exhausted and so, so lonely without any family within 1200 miles. But that one morning, the morning that I lost it, I knew that something wasn't right. I wasn't handling the every day things the way that I should be. I was getting so overwhelmed and frustrated with the littlest things and that was making the bigger things even more difficult to handle. I've seen my doctor twice now and it has helped. I'll keep seeing her as needed.
We also had E's 4 month appointment. His doctor was not impressed with his weight or weight gain. He had been at the doctor's a week before this appointment, so we knew that he had no gained an ounce. He also had not doubled his birth weight yet. They encouraged me to supplement with a little formula, but I was really resisting it. We worked so hard to breastfeed and I wasn't ready to accept that it wasn't working. However, after I talked to my doctor about the PPD/PPA, something clicked. I realized that breastfeeding was contributing so much to my anxiety. I was constantly worried that E wasn't eating enough, that something wasn't right. I was finally ready to accept that it might not be best for us.
Luckily, we found a formula that E will tolerate. At first, I was just going to go cold turkey but I didn't even get a few hours into it before I changed my mind. I still wasn't ready to let it go. I decided that I would try doing formula during the day and nurse at night. That's what I'm doing now. My new plan is to just keep doing that as long as my body keeps up.
I think that I made the right decision. I can see the difference in E. He sleeps better. Not good, but better. He's gaining weight! He just looks healthier. It's probably not something that anyone else would notice, but I see the difference. I don't know what the problem was. Maybe I had a low supply (I don't think so). Maybe he was never able to get a good latch and it was just too much work for him. I'll never know and I will always wonder what happened.
Even though I think it's for the best, I'm still very sad that nursing is coming to an end for us. I cry often. It's bringing up a lot of feeling I had before E was born. I'm angry at my body. I'm bitter that I have to add to the list of things my body is supposed to do but doesn't. I'm starting to hate hearing people talk about breastfeeding the same way I hated hearing about honeymoon, cycle 1 and condom babies. I know that breastfeeding advocates think that almost all problems are in your head or can be fixed by a lactation consultant. It really bugs me that anyone could think I didn't try hard enough for my son. Bullfuck. I've had plenty of opportunities to prove that I would and will do whatever it takes for him. I know that I did everything in my power to make it work. Continuing to breast feed exclusively would have been for me, not for E. Anyone who doesn't believe that can suck it.
For now, I'm just trying to get through one day and night at a time. On a good night, E will only wake every 3 hours, nurse and go right back to sleep. On a bad/regular night, he's up every 1.5-2 hours plus an hour long party between 2 and 4 AM. It sucks but, like they say, it won't be like this forever. Sleep deprivation is torture but it will pass. The memories I have of nursing E at night and watching the contented look on his face as he snuggles into my arms, so happy and safe, will be with me forever.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Free Time!!
I feel like this is the first time in about two weeks that I've had access to both of my hands. Turns out babies are really needy!
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.
E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3
Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.
The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.
It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.
All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!
Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!
First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.
E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3
Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.
The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.
It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.
All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!
Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!
Monday, December 29, 2014
37 weeks - THREE!!
How far along: 37 weeks (and 1 day) Countdown to EDD: 3 weeks/20 days
Baby is the size of a: Winter melon. Baby E is considered early-term now! He's still practicing sucking, breathing, swallowing and things like that. He's probably between 6 and 7.5 lbs now (based on my last growth scan).
Physical symptoms: Very tired, often irritable and usually uncomfortable
Mood: Fine - I'm just really excited!
Total Weight Gain/Loss: No change since last week
Maternity clothes: What a pain in the ass. It's so hot here, but none of my warm weather maternity clothes fit anymore. I'm too lazy and too cheap to buy new clothes at this point, so I'm mostly wearing yoga pants and PJs. Oh! Nursing bras are totally amazing though.
Sleep: Not too bad. I think I only peed twice - TWICE - the other night! Sometimes I wake up and having trouble shutting my mind off and getting back to sleep though.
Best moment of the week: I'm supposed to say Christmas, but honestly the best moment was waking up to an empty house (meaning just me, Seth and the pups) this morning.
Movement: Still wild, still trying to spin around but I think it's been unsuccessful.
Food cravings/aversions: Nothing new
Sex: Boy
Labor signs: Prelabor signs: As of last Wednesday, I was 80% effaced and dilated 2 cm. Our families are convinced that I'll have the baby early, but I don't feel anything yet. It's a little frustrating that everyone thinks that because...I don't know it just feels like a lot of pressure having everyone waiting like this.
What I miss: Beer and a cold turkey hoagie - this will be my "first meal". Okay, maybe the beer will have to wait until after we leave the hospital. That's fine. I can have as many hoagies as I want that week.
What I am looking forward to: I'm still looking forward to labor. I'm sure my feelings will change rapidly when labor actually starts, but for now I'm excited. I think I feel cheated out of the surprise pregnancy and surprising Seth with a positive test business. I can't wait until something happens and I get to tell Seth that it's time to go, that it's time to meet our son.
Milestones: 37 weeks!! Baby E is no longer considered pre-term. His lungs could still do some maturing and he may or may not be ready to eat on his own, but otherwise he should be good to go at this point!
Showing yet: Duh. You know, everyone always talks about how you can't see your feet at the end. That's bullshit - you can, you just have to lean forward a little bit. You know what you can't see? Your crotch. It's impossible. I mean, I don't really need to see it but being unable to is a strange feeling. Just in case you were wondering about that, now you know.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Snow Bunnies Update
Our second/successful IVF cycle was in April. When we filled out all of the paperwork regarding frozen embryos, we choose to have them stored at the clinic for 6 months and then transfer them to a long-term storage facility. It's November now. I knew that their transfer was going to be happening soon but I didn't know when and it was making me so anxious.
So I called the clinic. And I called, and I called and I called. For two or three weeks. And left a bunch of messages. And never heard anything. Eventually, about a week ago, we got an email saying that we paid for our last month of storage at the clinic so I knew the transfer happened. I called again and I left a message with the receptionist rather than the embryologist and she offered to walk my information over to the lab herself to get me some answers.
They finally called me last night! Despite the three week wait, I was still impressed that they called me so late at night. I am easily pleased, especially when the call brings good news.
The woman I spoke to was able to read me the full report regarding our frozen snow bunnies. We've known since April that we had six embryos and we knew that some were ready on day 5 but that they were continuing to watch a few others until day 6. What we actually have is 5 day 5 embryos and 1 day 6 embryo. The grades for the day 5ers are 3AB (x2), 4AB, 4BB and 2BB. The day 6er is a 4BB. This baby was a 4BB embryo too.
Lab lady said that we are in great shape! She said that the lab gives them a rank of good, fair and poor. We have 4 goods and 2 fairs (I'm guessing that's the 2BB and 4BB day 6er). She also explained to me how they choose an embryo for a transfer and things like that (ours are all frozen individually, which I'm happy about). I'm sure it sounds crazy to be thinking about it now, but I am crazy so I'm happy to have all of this information.
We have no idea how we'll feel or what we'll do after this baby is born. We do know that we don't ever plan to try to conceive on our own again. Before we decided to go forward with IVF, we agreed that we would transfer any frozen embryos before we tried on our own and we still feel like that's the best decision for us. I think I would feel that way even if I didn't have a strong suspicion that my tubes are too fucked up to function.
Anyway, the tentative plan is to go on the mini-pill after baby boy is born in order to keep my endo under control. Depending on if and how long I am able to breastfeed, we'll consider going in for a FET consultation when this little guy is 9 months old. I probably wouldn't want to do a transfer before one year, but I imagine it could take time for my cycle to regulate and for any repeat testing to be done.
I am beyond thrilled and ridiculously grateful that we have these little snow bunnies. Even though we are painfully aware that there are never any guarantees, it is nice to know that we have a chance at having a sibling (or six) for our son.
So I called the clinic. And I called, and I called and I called. For two or three weeks. And left a bunch of messages. And never heard anything. Eventually, about a week ago, we got an email saying that we paid for our last month of storage at the clinic so I knew the transfer happened. I called again and I left a message with the receptionist rather than the embryologist and she offered to walk my information over to the lab herself to get me some answers.
They finally called me last night! Despite the three week wait, I was still impressed that they called me so late at night. I am easily pleased, especially when the call brings good news.
The woman I spoke to was able to read me the full report regarding our frozen snow bunnies. We've known since April that we had six embryos and we knew that some were ready on day 5 but that they were continuing to watch a few others until day 6. What we actually have is 5 day 5 embryos and 1 day 6 embryo. The grades for the day 5ers are 3AB (x2), 4AB, 4BB and 2BB. The day 6er is a 4BB. This baby was a 4BB embryo too.Lab lady said that we are in great shape! She said that the lab gives them a rank of good, fair and poor. We have 4 goods and 2 fairs (I'm guessing that's the 2BB and 4BB day 6er). She also explained to me how they choose an embryo for a transfer and things like that (ours are all frozen individually, which I'm happy about). I'm sure it sounds crazy to be thinking about it now, but I am crazy so I'm happy to have all of this information.
We have no idea how we'll feel or what we'll do after this baby is born. We do know that we don't ever plan to try to conceive on our own again. Before we decided to go forward with IVF, we agreed that we would transfer any frozen embryos before we tried on our own and we still feel like that's the best decision for us. I think I would feel that way even if I didn't have a strong suspicion that my tubes are too fucked up to function.
Anyway, the tentative plan is to go on the mini-pill after baby boy is born in order to keep my endo under control. Depending on if and how long I am able to breastfeed, we'll consider going in for a FET consultation when this little guy is 9 months old. I probably wouldn't want to do a transfer before one year, but I imagine it could take time for my cycle to regulate and for any repeat testing to be done.
I am beyond thrilled and ridiculously grateful that we have these little snow bunnies. Even though we are painfully aware that there are never any guarantees, it is nice to know that we have a chance at having a sibling (or six) for our son.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
17 weeks
I'm sort of a mess this week. My PaIF brain is going a little crazy. I do not feel pregnant. I don't feel anything. Just nothingness. It's freaking me out a lot because I always felt a sense of nothingness before every CD1. I am NOT complaining about a lack of physical symptoms - I am so thankful that I have an easy pregnancy so far. I'm just having a really hard time with the mental stuff right now. It's like I'm having flashbacks to the 20 something cycles of failure and all of the same feelings are coming back - fear, sadness, hopelessness. Even though I can feel all of the stretchy feelings and I've been listening to Baby's heartbeat, I can't shake these feelings. Hopefully I start feeling better after my OB appointment this week.
How far along: 17 weeks! Baby is the size of an onion - about 5 inches long and weighs about 6 oz. His/her skeleton is still hardening and fat is starting to accumulate.
How far along: 17 weeks! Baby is the size of an onion - about 5 inches long and weighs about 6 oz. His/her skeleton is still hardening and fat is starting to accumulate.
Physical symptoms: Ute stretching and RLP
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Only +2.2 pounds. I guess I was just really bloated last week. Add this to the list of things that I'm worried about...
Maternity clothes: Still not wearing them, but I finally found a belly band that fits me - it's the one from Target. I think the brand is Ingrid and Isabel. This should get me through work in my regular pants for the first month or two.
Stretch marks: This is a stupid question. The answer will be no until/if I get them and then it will be yes for the rest of the time. I'm done with this one.
Sleep: Eh. My hip pain is back, but it's not as bad as before so I'm getting an okay amount of sleep.
Best moment of the week: Easy - Chickin's BFP <3 <3 <3
Movement: Nothing yet :(
Food cravings: Olives, french fries, soda, olives
Sex: Not sure yet
Labor signs: None
Belly button: Same as the stretch marks question
What I miss: Walking my dogs (actually holding the leash). I wasn't allowed to walk them when I was on exercise restrictions and now everyone is afraid for me to walk them alone in case I fall or something. There's this fucking fox in the neighborhood that follows us - really closely - every single day and the dogs freak out and pull to try to get it. So I understand everyone's concerns, but I miss just taking my boys out whenever I want. At least we can still go for rides in the car.
What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for Seth to get back from his trip this week. And also - only 8 more sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm so, so nervous.
Milestones: Still pregnant as far as I know.
Bump Watch: Yeah...there's not much there.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
"You Have No Idea"
This is one of the things I hear most often from my fertile friends with children. "You have no idea what it's like to be a parent until you are one". I know that they mean well. Or maybe they feel they can confess how freaked out they were without judgement from a non-parent. I also don't disagree with them. Just like I don't think you can understand what it's like to be infertile unless you've experienced it, I don't think you can really know what it's like to be a parent until it happens. But it still bothers me.
A small part is probably bitterness. This statement is usually accompanied by a large dose of smugness. There's almost an "us vs. you" undertone. It pisses me off. First of all, I know that I don't know. People who think they know everything about everything usually don't know shit. Second of all, my lack of knowing is not for lack of wanting or trying so please stop reminding me about how you got pregnant and had a baby when you wanted to while I had to keep waiting and waiting.
Another issue that I have with this statement is that my experience has not been and will not be the same as the experience of the person making the comment. The average fertile person gets about 9 - 12 months to decide to get pregnant and prepare to actually have the baby. I've had 9 months...plus about 21 more. Do you think I didn't think long and hard about what it would mean to actually get pregnant and have baby? I had a hell of a long time - and still not as long as some - to think about what that would mean and how it would change my life. I had to think long and hard about how far I was willing to go to make that happen. I may not know, but I am not naive.
But the biggest reason that I hate hearing this is that the the fact that I do not have a baby in my arms yet is completely irrelevant. For the past year, I have had to choose to make enormous physical, emotional, mental, and financial sacrifices for my baby. The difference between what I have done and what the average parent has done is that I had to make all of those sacrifices for a baby that I knew might never actually exist. As far as I'm concerned, I became a parent the day that I was diagnosed with infertility and decided to pursue treatment. Other women become a parent the day that they became pregnant, whether they have their take-home baby now or not. I have a feeling that the average fertile parent would not understand that. They should know how lucky that makes them.
So I'm sorry if I don't seem overly impressed with your nugget of wisdom. Remember, I don't know what it's like to be you, but YOU don't know what it's like to be ME either.
I'm grumpy.
A small part is probably bitterness. This statement is usually accompanied by a large dose of smugness. There's almost an "us vs. you" undertone. It pisses me off. First of all, I know that I don't know. People who think they know everything about everything usually don't know shit. Second of all, my lack of knowing is not for lack of wanting or trying so please stop reminding me about how you got pregnant and had a baby when you wanted to while I had to keep waiting and waiting.
Another issue that I have with this statement is that my experience has not been and will not be the same as the experience of the person making the comment. The average fertile person gets about 9 - 12 months to decide to get pregnant and prepare to actually have the baby. I've had 9 months...plus about 21 more. Do you think I didn't think long and hard about what it would mean to actually get pregnant and have baby? I had a hell of a long time - and still not as long as some - to think about what that would mean and how it would change my life. I had to think long and hard about how far I was willing to go to make that happen. I may not know, but I am not naive.
But the biggest reason that I hate hearing this is that the the fact that I do not have a baby in my arms yet is completely irrelevant. For the past year, I have had to choose to make enormous physical, emotional, mental, and financial sacrifices for my baby. The difference between what I have done and what the average parent has done is that I had to make all of those sacrifices for a baby that I knew might never actually exist. As far as I'm concerned, I became a parent the day that I was diagnosed with infertility and decided to pursue treatment. Other women become a parent the day that they became pregnant, whether they have their take-home baby now or not. I have a feeling that the average fertile parent would not understand that. They should know how lucky that makes them.
So I'm sorry if I don't seem overly impressed with your nugget of wisdom. Remember, I don't know what it's like to be you, but YOU don't know what it's like to be ME either.
I'm grumpy.
Monday, July 7, 2014
12 weeks
Holy shit, I can't believe I am 12 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant. I still can't believe it, but I'm definitely starting feel more hopeful and excited. Seth and I went home for the holiday weekend and we told my extended family that I'm pregnant. They knew we were dealing with IF and some knew we were going through IVF so they were really happy for us. It was nice to feel like a "normal" pregnant person for a bit. However, I did still feel a little weird talking about it. Everyone wanted to know if we would find out the sex and they were making guesses (98% of the people guessed boy) and that made me a little uneasy. I realized that it's just because I'm still stuck in the "if we have a baby" mentality. It's hard for me to think "when we have a baby". Hopefully that will get better as time and more milestones go by, but honestly I don't think it will go away until I actually have a baby.
How far along: 12 weeks! Baby is the size of a plum - about 2 inches long!
How far along: 12 weeks! Baby is the size of a plum - about 2 inches long! Physical symptoms: Still tired, still a bit queasy, nothing new.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: Still at my normal weight which is a few pounds below my IVF weight.
Maternity clothes: Not needed yet, but my new bras rule.
Stretch marks: Nope.
Sleep: Eh. Still sucks, though it helps if I put pillows under my hips. Plus my body pillow and a pillow between my knees.
Best moment of the week: Letting my mom and sisters hear the baby's heartbeat and sending the announcement text to my aunts, uncles, and cousins. Also, it was really cute when my 4.5 year old niece said "So, I heard you're having a baby".
Movement: Nothing that I can feel yet.
Food cravings/aversion: Soft pretzels (I ate ALL of the pretzels this weekend), coke/cherry coke, and Chik-fil-A. Coffee still tastes like ass.
Sex: Not sure yet, but pretty much everyone except me and Seth guess that it's a boy.
Labor signs: Not yet.
Belly button: Still in.
What I miss: Sleep and beer. But mostly sleep.
What I am looking forward to: NT scan! Only one more sleep to go. I am so anxious and excited to see/hear if the baby looks okay so far.
Milestones: According to the app on my phone, our chance of miscarriage drops dramatically this week so that's good to know.
Friday, June 20, 2014
A long week
People always refer to the ups and downs you experience while dealing with infertility as the "IF roller coaster". It's a good description. I'm finding that when you get pregnant you don't get off the roller coaster - you just switch tracks. This week was definitely full of ups and downs for me.
It started up with my second ultrasound and graduation day! It got even upper on Monday when I received the most beautiful baby blanket ever from Packer. Just as I hoped, seeing the blanket that Packer made for me helped me feel like this baby is real. I was happy. We'll come back to this...
Later that night things went slightly downhill. I went to the bathroom to find that I had been spotting pretty heavily, though I had no cramps. I called my older sister and we talked and decided that there were plenty of harmless reasons that would explain the spotting (I'd had an ultrasound, an exam, and sex). I was really anxious and cried a bit, but I was okay when I went to bed. I called the nurse in the morning and she confirmed that there was likely nothing to worry about. As the day went on, the spotting seemed to get less an less. Though to be honest, I was still pretty nervous. Even though I could explain the spotting and the mild cramps (thanks giant ovaries and cysts) I was having a hard time believing the baby was fine.
By Wednesday, the spotting was almost gone. Until that night when it got heavy again. My PaIF buddies reassured me that it was probably fine, but that it would be okay to call and ask to be seen so that's what I did on Thursday morning. I went in and met my new OB who is awesome. She said if I ever feel like I need an ultrasound or exam, I should just ask. She also has endometriosis and went through IVF at the same clinic so she said she understands what it's like to be "a little nuts". Anyway, she did an exam and confirmed that my cervix was bleeding but otherwise everything looked fine. The ultrasound confirmed that baby is fine too (measuring ahead at 9 weeks 6 days with a heart rate of 167).
The only issue was that because my blood type is A-, the doctor wanted me to get the Rhogam injection. After a dozen phone calls and two different hospitals, I finally got it done this evening. It fucking hurt. If IVF injections felt like that there is no way I would have made it through one cycle.
So. All is well for now. I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm going to try the home doppler again once I'm over 10 weeks. Seth, the pups, and I are also going to take a mini break to the Keys during the week!
And now to AW my beautiful blanket. Packer really does an amazing job. If you have any knitwear needs, you should definitely check out Packer's Etsy shop (see her blog for details). The blanket that she made for me is a gorgeous deep blue-teal color. It is so snuggly and warm and it will be perfect for a January baby. I am so thankful for such a beautiful gift from such a wonderful friend.
It started up with my second ultrasound and graduation day! It got even upper on Monday when I received the most beautiful baby blanket ever from Packer. Just as I hoped, seeing the blanket that Packer made for me helped me feel like this baby is real. I was happy. We'll come back to this...
Later that night things went slightly downhill. I went to the bathroom to find that I had been spotting pretty heavily, though I had no cramps. I called my older sister and we talked and decided that there were plenty of harmless reasons that would explain the spotting (I'd had an ultrasound, an exam, and sex). I was really anxious and cried a bit, but I was okay when I went to bed. I called the nurse in the morning and she confirmed that there was likely nothing to worry about. As the day went on, the spotting seemed to get less an less. Though to be honest, I was still pretty nervous. Even though I could explain the spotting and the mild cramps (thanks giant ovaries and cysts) I was having a hard time believing the baby was fine.
By Wednesday, the spotting was almost gone. Until that night when it got heavy again. My PaIF buddies reassured me that it was probably fine, but that it would be okay to call and ask to be seen so that's what I did on Thursday morning. I went in and met my new OB who is awesome. She said if I ever feel like I need an ultrasound or exam, I should just ask. She also has endometriosis and went through IVF at the same clinic so she said she understands what it's like to be "a little nuts". Anyway, she did an exam and confirmed that my cervix was bleeding but otherwise everything looked fine. The ultrasound confirmed that baby is fine too (measuring ahead at 9 weeks 6 days with a heart rate of 167).
The only issue was that because my blood type is A-, the doctor wanted me to get the Rhogam injection. After a dozen phone calls and two different hospitals, I finally got it done this evening. It fucking hurt. If IVF injections felt like that there is no way I would have made it through one cycle.
So. All is well for now. I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm going to try the home doppler again once I'm over 10 weeks. Seth, the pups, and I are also going to take a mini break to the Keys during the week!
And now to AW my beautiful blanket. Packer really does an amazing job. If you have any knitwear needs, you should definitely check out Packer's Etsy shop (see her blog for details). The blanket that she made for me is a gorgeous deep blue-teal color. It is so snuggly and warm and it will be perfect for a January baby. I am so thankful for such a beautiful gift from such a wonderful friend.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
One More Sleep
Only one more sleep until our second ultrasound. Less than 24 hours. I'm so, so nervous.
Tomorrow is our second "baby scan" at the clinic and if everything looks okay, we will graduate from the RE. I'm worried that everything is not okay. I'm worried that I was wrong about the incident over the weekend. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping, but I know that is not a guarantee that everything is okay. Part of me realizes that there is a 90% chance that the baby is fine, but another part remembers that there was an 85% chance that we would get pregnant on our own in under a year. There was a 60-70% chance that my endometriosis would not cause infertility. I'm a statistical loser, so I worry.
I'm making a deal with myself. If all goes well tomorrow, I'm going to take the day to just be happy. I'm not going to worry. I'm going to let myself feel excited about this and enjoy it even if it only lasts for a few hours.
Tomorrow is our second "baby scan" at the clinic and if everything looks okay, we will graduate from the RE. I'm worried that everything is not okay. I'm worried that I was wrong about the incident over the weekend. I haven't had any bleeding or cramping, but I know that is not a guarantee that everything is okay. Part of me realizes that there is a 90% chance that the baby is fine, but another part remembers that there was an 85% chance that we would get pregnant on our own in under a year. There was a 60-70% chance that my endometriosis would not cause infertility. I'm a statistical loser, so I worry.
I'm making a deal with myself. If all goes well tomorrow, I'm going to take the day to just be happy. I'm not going to worry. I'm going to let myself feel excited about this and enjoy it even if it only lasts for a few hours.
Friday, June 6, 2014
(After) IF Brain
I've read that infertility doesn't go away when you get pregnant. Obviously, that's true on a physical level (my endometriosis will never go away, even if pregnancy helps to calm it down). It's very true on a mental and emotional level too. I thought I was prepared for that. I've read all about it on sites like RESOLVE and I've seen friends deal with the wild range of emotions that come along with getting pregnant after dealing with infertility. Even though I knew what to expect, I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed emotions.
I spent the better part of the last two years imagining what it would be like to get pregnant. In the beginning, I assumed that I would be thrilled. We'd get the BFP and we'd celebrate. Maybe I would do some sort of cute announcement for Seth and our parents. As more and more time went by, that fantasy dissolved. When I imagined seeing a positive test, I figured I would be excited but shocked - is this really happening? Then when we got to the point of starting treatment, I thought that if I was ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant, I would just cry and cry with relief.
I haven't cried at all yet. The day I saw my first positive pregnancy test, there were no tears. There was the shock that I expected and some excitement for sure. My face sort of acted like it was going to cry, but nothing came out. When I told Seth, when I told my mom - nothing. When I got the call about our first positive beta, my voice shook when I spoke to the nurse but there were still no tears. The moment Dr. M said that our baby's heart was beating I thought I would lose it. My throat got tight but then - still nothing.
I'm just having such a hard time believing that this is real. After spending so much time fearing the worst and going through month after month of failure, I don't trust my body. I was a statistical failure when it came to getting pregnant on my own, so it's hard to believe that the same thing won't be true when it's comes to having a healthy pregnancy.
Even though I totally sympathized with friends who have been through this already, I can't help being hard on myself. I feel so guilty complaining about this. It's like - you're pregnant, boo-fucking-hoo. Barely two months ago, I would have given anything to trade places with someone in my current shoes. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what to think or feel. I feel like I'm thinking and feeling all of the wrong things. I feel guilty when I'm feeling like this isn't real and I feel like a fool when I have a thought or make a comment about actually having a baby.
I don't know what the point of this post is. Sometimes just talking it out helps me figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it. Hopefully I don't sound too much like an ungrateful lunatic.
I spent the better part of the last two years imagining what it would be like to get pregnant. In the beginning, I assumed that I would be thrilled. We'd get the BFP and we'd celebrate. Maybe I would do some sort of cute announcement for Seth and our parents. As more and more time went by, that fantasy dissolved. When I imagined seeing a positive test, I figured I would be excited but shocked - is this really happening? Then when we got to the point of starting treatment, I thought that if I was ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant, I would just cry and cry with relief.
I haven't cried at all yet. The day I saw my first positive pregnancy test, there were no tears. There was the shock that I expected and some excitement for sure. My face sort of acted like it was going to cry, but nothing came out. When I told Seth, when I told my mom - nothing. When I got the call about our first positive beta, my voice shook when I spoke to the nurse but there were still no tears. The moment Dr. M said that our baby's heart was beating I thought I would lose it. My throat got tight but then - still nothing.
I'm just having such a hard time believing that this is real. After spending so much time fearing the worst and going through month after month of failure, I don't trust my body. I was a statistical failure when it came to getting pregnant on my own, so it's hard to believe that the same thing won't be true when it's comes to having a healthy pregnancy.
Even though I totally sympathized with friends who have been through this already, I can't help being hard on myself. I feel so guilty complaining about this. It's like - you're pregnant, boo-fucking-hoo. Barely two months ago, I would have given anything to trade places with someone in my current shoes. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what to think or feel. I feel like I'm thinking and feeling all of the wrong things. I feel guilty when I'm feeling like this isn't real and I feel like a fool when I have a thought or make a comment about actually having a baby.
I don't know what the point of this post is. Sometimes just talking it out helps me figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it. Hopefully I don't sound too much like an ungrateful lunatic.
Monday, May 26, 2014
6 weeks 1 day
I still can't believe this is real. While we were TTC, I only had a BFP dream once, maybe twice. The dreams that I usually had involved thinking that I was pregnant and then finding out that I was mistaken. Once, Seth and I were at a doctor's office waiting for our first appointment and I suddenly realized that I never actually took a pregnancy test. Even in my dream, I was so embarrassed. Another time, I took about thirty tests and they all had two lines. After telling Seth and going about our business for awhile, I finally read the directions and saw that two lines meant 'not pregnant'.
I know that's not what is happening now. Two lines mean 'pregnant' and I doubt the clinic is playing a joke on me, but I can't help feeling like I'm just pretending to be pregnant. I think we just spent so much time focusing on getting pregnant, that I lost sight of what the outcome would be if it actually worked.
4 more sleeps until our first ultrasound. I'mnervous scared shitless. I am so worried that there won't be a heartbeat or anything at all. I bet most, or at least a lot of, people feel that way regardless of what they went through to get pregnant. I am anxious, but I think I'm handling it just as well as the next guy which feels good considering my history with anxiety. Whenever I start to have doubts I just keep reminding myself that worrying won't change anything. Hopefully the week goes by quickly.
I know that's not what is happening now. Two lines mean 'pregnant' and I doubt the clinic is playing a joke on me, but I can't help feeling like I'm just pretending to be pregnant. I think we just spent so much time focusing on getting pregnant, that I lost sight of what the outcome would be if it actually worked.
4 more sleeps until our first ultrasound. I'm
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Beta #3
Today was my third - and final - beta! It was 3168 which is still a doubling time of just over 50 hours. Perfectly normal and normal is exactly what I want to be right now.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for next week at 6 weeks 5 days so if everything is going well, we should be able to see a heartbeat. Only 10 more sleeps to go!
That's not the only exciting thing going on around here though. This week, after six long years, Seth will finally be defending his dissertation. I am so excited for him and so proud. He's worked really hard for this and I can't wait to see him present all of his work. I know he's going to do so well and I can't wait to celebrate with him. It's perfect timing too since it will keep me occupied for a few days between now and our next appointment!
The first ultrasound is scheduled for next week at 6 weeks 5 days so if everything is going well, we should be able to see a heartbeat. Only 10 more sleeps to go!
That's not the only exciting thing going on around here though. This week, after six long years, Seth will finally be defending his dissertation. I am so excited for him and so proud. He's worked really hard for this and I can't wait to see him present all of his work. I know he's going to do so well and I can't wait to celebrate with him. It's perfect timing too since it will keep me occupied for a few days between now and our next appointment!
Friday, May 9, 2014
Finally
It has been 21 months and 24 cycles (21 active) since we first started trying to conceive.
I have been through one surgery and two IVF cycles.
We have spent over $20,000.00.
I have cried and prayed too many times to count.
It has all been worth it.
Today, I am pregnant.
Holy shit. There was a second line.
I ran back to the bathroom to look at it in the light and there was no doubt that the test was positive. I decided to take a digital test, assuming that it would be negative so that I could use the digitals to see if my levels were rising. I dipped the test and a minute later "Pregnant" popped up. Honestly, that made me a little nervous. I thought maybe since I had been drinking so much extra fluid that the negatives I had were because my pee wasn't concentrated again.
 |
| 7dp5dt |
Today is 7dp5dt and I am so happy to say that I am still pregnant. I think I took four tests this morning and they were all positive. I even tried one of the fancy new digitals that tells you how many weeks you are past ovulation (1-2 weeks for me, which is accurate).
Obviously, I am thrilled. I have doubted so many times whether this would ever happened. I am extremely grateful. I feel so lucky to be pregnant right now and I am going to do my best to try to enjoy each minute. Seth is happy too. He was skeptical at first, but he was much quicker to believe it than I was. I don't think he ever had as much doubt as I did.
Our first official blood test is on Monday. We're praying for a nice strong beta. We're anxious and we're scared, but today we have hope.
I want to thank each and every one of you for being so supportive along the way. Words cannot describe what your friendship has meant to me. I will never ever forget your kindness.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
PUPO, plus!
Friday was transfer day. After a nice talk with Dr. M, we decided to go through with the fresh transfer. We also decided that due to the increased risk of OHSS, it was safer to transfer only one embryo. Seth and I both agreed that this was the best decision for us for this cycle.
So, I'm PUPO! 2dp5dt. We transferred one beautiful little 4BB snuggle bunny.
On Friday, Dr. M also said that he was confident that we would have 2-3 frozen embryos because they were already at the target stage of development. There were also three early blastocysts that had potential. The lab was going to give them a bit more time and freeze them on day 6 if they made good progress.
This morning we got the most amazing news (well, second most amazing). Seth and I have six frozen embryos! SIX! We can't believe it. This is a ridiculous improvement over our first cycle. We are beyond thrilled and so, so grateful. Those little guys give us so much hope - something that has been missing from our home for the past few months. I'm calling them our snow bunnies since they came from my April Snuggle Bunnies cycle.
Now we can just keep our focus on the little guy we transferred. Hopefully it's snuggling in for a nice long stay.
So, I'm PUPO! 2dp5dt. We transferred one beautiful little 4BB snuggle bunny.
This morning we got the most amazing news (well, second most amazing). Seth and I have six frozen embryos! SIX! We can't believe it. This is a ridiculous improvement over our first cycle. We are beyond thrilled and so, so grateful. Those little guys give us so much hope - something that has been missing from our home for the past few months. I'm calling them our snow bunnies since they came from my April Snuggle Bunnies cycle.
Now we can just keep our focus on the little guy we transferred. Hopefully it's snuggling in for a nice long stay.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
How many should we transfer?
I hate even thinking about this. It just feels like setting ourselves up for disappointment. At this point, we don't even know if we'll have more than one embryo to transfer. We don't even know if we'll have one! We don't even know if we want to do a transfer (though we're still leaning towards 'yes'). Still, after we show up at the clinic tomorrow morning there won't be a whole lot of time to make the big decisions. We feel like we need to have our plan of action ready for every scenario.
The American Society of Reproductive Medicine recommends that women under 35 with a favorable prognosis transfer only one blastocyst. That's what we did for our first cycle.
Now we don't fall into the favorable category. We're unfavorable. I'm still well under 35, but we have one failed IVF cycle under our belts and while we're hoping for a different outcome this time, we're not counting on having great quality embryos with plenty to freeze. Because we're unfavorable the recommendation is to transfer two blastocysts.
My biggest concern is the higher risks of complications (both the mother and babies). The other thing we have to consider is that if I were to get pregnant with more than one baby, I would be at an even higher risk of developing late onset OHSS. That is Dr. M's concern, though ultimately the decision is up to us.
I feel like George Michael at his eye exam.
I've never been good at making decisions. Usually Seth is much better, but I think he's afraid to make the call when a lot the burden of the decision could fall on me, depending on what happens.
Hopefully this is one of those situations where you just know/feel what the "right" thing to do is when the time to decide arrives.
The American Society of Reproductive Medicine recommends that women under 35 with a favorable prognosis transfer only one blastocyst. That's what we did for our first cycle.
Now we don't fall into the favorable category. We're unfavorable. I'm still well under 35, but we have one failed IVF cycle under our belts and while we're hoping for a different outcome this time, we're not counting on having great quality embryos with plenty to freeze. Because we're unfavorable the recommendation is to transfer two blastocysts.
My biggest concern is the higher risks of complications (both the mother and babies). The other thing we have to consider is that if I were to get pregnant with more than one baby, I would be at an even higher risk of developing late onset OHSS. That is Dr. M's concern, though ultimately the decision is up to us.
I feel like George Michael at his eye exam.
I've never been good at making decisions. Usually Seth is much better, but I think he's afraid to make the call when a lot the burden of the decision could fall on me, depending on what happens.
Hopefully this is one of those situations where you just know/feel what the "right" thing to do is when the time to decide arrives.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Day 5 transfer?
Well, this morning we got the news that our embryos are doing well so we've been scheduled for a day 5 transfer. Great! Right? I'm happy, of course, but still very nervous. I have no idea how many embryos are still growing or how many look good. We just have to hope that the lab made the right call and pray that our embies keep growing nice and strong.
Obviously, it looks like Dr. M still planning to go through with the fresh transfer. This makes me even more nervous. At least with the embryos, what happens to them is completely out of my control. In terms of transfer vs. freeze-all, I get to make the final decision. I'm scared. I feel great - almost totally normal. I don't have an ounce of weight gain, no tenderness or soreness. I had pretty significant stomach pains, but I'm confident that that was from the antibiotics. I started taking some probiotics and that is improving too.
I'm concerned because even if I don't have any symptoms of OHSS now, if we went through with the transfer and it was successful I would be at a very high risk for late onset OHSS. I've read enough stories online to know that that is not something to take lightly. It sounds absolutely miserable at best and can be life-threatening in the worst cases.
There was also a study published last year that found that women who conceived from a fresh cycle transfer with pre-retrieval E2 levels above 3450 pg/mL were more likely to have complications like preeclampsia and their babies were more likely to have low-birth weight. My level after trigger was 6000. I'm not sure if the study meant a pre- or post-trigger level of 3450 pg/mL, because they also stated that they recommend freeze-all when pre-trigger levels are over 4500 pg/mL (mine was not). Either way, it gives me a lot to consider.
I'm so worried about making this decision. And while I'm really grateful that we have the embryos that make this decision necessary, I'm really angry that we have to make this choice at all. Regular people just get pregnant. People with IF have so many different things to consider, so many opportunities to blame ourselves (even though I know we don't deserve the blame).
I'm considering flipping a coin, just so I can avoid the pressure and guilt.
As always, advice and opinions are very welcome from anyone.
Obviously, it looks like Dr. M still planning to go through with the fresh transfer. This makes me even more nervous. At least with the embryos, what happens to them is completely out of my control. In terms of transfer vs. freeze-all, I get to make the final decision. I'm scared. I feel great - almost totally normal. I don't have an ounce of weight gain, no tenderness or soreness. I had pretty significant stomach pains, but I'm confident that that was from the antibiotics. I started taking some probiotics and that is improving too.
I'm concerned because even if I don't have any symptoms of OHSS now, if we went through with the transfer and it was successful I would be at a very high risk for late onset OHSS. I've read enough stories online to know that that is not something to take lightly. It sounds absolutely miserable at best and can be life-threatening in the worst cases.
There was also a study published last year that found that women who conceived from a fresh cycle transfer with pre-retrieval E2 levels above 3450 pg/mL were more likely to have complications like preeclampsia and their babies were more likely to have low-birth weight. My level after trigger was 6000. I'm not sure if the study meant a pre- or post-trigger level of 3450 pg/mL, because they also stated that they recommend freeze-all when pre-trigger levels are over 4500 pg/mL (mine was not). Either way, it gives me a lot to consider.
I'm so worried about making this decision. And while I'm really grateful that we have the embryos that make this decision necessary, I'm really angry that we have to make this choice at all. Regular people just get pregnant. People with IF have so many different things to consider, so many opportunities to blame ourselves (even though I know we don't deserve the blame).
I'm considering flipping a coin, just so I can avoid the pressure and guilt.
As always, advice and opinions are very welcome from anyone.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Day 1 Fert Report
I'm feeling okay today. My stomach hurts, but I'm pretty sure it is from all of the antibiotics that I have been taking - I remember having stomach pain last cycle as well. I'm being really careful about drinking Gatorade and coconut water and I've been eating some protein-rich snacks. Hopefully I don't develop OHSS!
Yesterday, while I was waiting to go in for retrieval I heard the nurse making calls to patients to give them their fertilization reports. That was at 9:00 AM, so today I thought maybe my call will come at 9:00 AM too!
9:00...Nope...10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...nothing.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I called them. The nurse answered right away and was able to give me our report (doesn't she know how hard it is to wait??).
We had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday. 16 of them were mature and 16 of them were fertilized! Hopefully one (or more) of them is our golden egg!
Of course we are very happy about this. We can cross a few more worries off our list today. We are also being very cautious with our feelings and expectations. We had a nearly 100% fert rate last time as well, but our 9 embryos only resulted in one blast and a BFN. So we're hopeful, but not ready to celebrate yet.
For now, Dr. M thinks that we can proceed with a transfer as long as I don't show any symptoms of OHSS. I am scheduled to go in for a day 3 transfer on Wednesday morning. We'll get a call early in the morning if things are looking good and they think that we can wait until day 5. My heart is relieved because I really didn't want to be cancelled, but I'm also wondering if it is the right thing to do. Is my body ready? Will an embryo even have a chance? I think we still need to just wait and see how everything goes.
Yesterday, while I was waiting to go in for retrieval I heard the nurse making calls to patients to give them their fertilization reports. That was at 9:00 AM, so today I thought maybe my call will come at 9:00 AM too!
9:00...Nope...10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...nothing.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I called them. The nurse answered right away and was able to give me our report (doesn't she know how hard it is to wait??).
We had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday. 16 of them were mature and 16 of them were fertilized! Hopefully one (or more) of them is our golden egg!
For now, Dr. M thinks that we can proceed with a transfer as long as I don't show any symptoms of OHSS. I am scheduled to go in for a day 3 transfer on Wednesday morning. We'll get a call early in the morning if things are looking good and they think that we can wait until day 5. My heart is relieved because I really didn't want to be cancelled, but I'm also wondering if it is the right thing to do. Is my body ready? Will an embryo even have a chance? I think we still need to just wait and see how everything goes.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Retrieval Day #2
This morning was retrieval day and it went really well!
Dr. M was actually working this week and I was the only retrieval scheduled today (last time there were 8!) so it was nice and relaxing and I had plenty of time to talk to him before and after the procedure.
They retrieved 18 eggs! That's pretty much exactly what we expected/hoped for based on my last ultrasound. It's a relief to get to this point - I can start crossing a few worries off my list.
Now comes the fun part - waiting, praying, and more waiting. Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report. After that it's just going to be 'wait and see'. At some point over the next three days Dr. M will make the decision about a transfer. It could still go either way. It's going to based on how I'm doing and how the embryos are doing in the lab (assuming we have some, of course).
In the meantime, they gave me a prescription that should help prevent severe OHSS and I'm supposed to eat of all of the salt and protein and drink all of the Gatorade. Hopefully I don't develop any complications!
Thanks again for all of the support and well wishes!!
Dr. M was actually working this week and I was the only retrieval scheduled today (last time there were 8!) so it was nice and relaxing and I had plenty of time to talk to him before and after the procedure.
They retrieved 18 eggs! That's pretty much exactly what we expected/hoped for based on my last ultrasound. It's a relief to get to this point - I can start crossing a few worries off my list.
Now comes the fun part - waiting, praying, and more waiting. Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report. After that it's just going to be 'wait and see'. At some point over the next three days Dr. M will make the decision about a transfer. It could still go either way. It's going to based on how I'm doing and how the embryos are doing in the lab (assuming we have some, of course).
In the meantime, they gave me a prescription that should help prevent severe OHSS and I'm supposed to eat of all of the salt and protein and drink all of the Gatorade. Hopefully I don't develop any complications!
Thanks again for all of the support and well wishes!!
Friday, April 25, 2014
Trigger Day!
Oh shit. I've been wanting this day to get here so badly and now I'm terrified. I went in for my fifth follie scan this morning and everything still looks pretty good.
Right Side: 21.7, 21.7, 18.4, 18.2, 18.1, 17.1, 16.3, 16.2, 16.2, 15.6, 14.8, 14.6, 13.3
Left Side: 20.2, 19.9, 19.8, 19.6, 17.5, 16.8, 16.7, 16.7, 16.6, 16.2, 14.3
My left side is falling back into his sluggish ways, but he still had a great run. There are 19 in the target range.
This morning the OR nurse called me and said that based on my report from yesterday, they believed the doctor was going to switch me from the Novarel hcg trigger to a Lupron trigger. Luckily, Seth was home and took care of everything. The nurse gave him the number of a pharmacy that would do same delivery so we had the nurse put in the order. Great.
In between my classes, I started researching Lupron triggers which really scared me. Doctors sometimes use them when a patient has a higher risk for developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) because the hcg trigger can make OHSS worse. The problem is that the hcg also helps your body to prepare for a pregnancy - a Lupron trigger doesn't do that. This really worried me because I've only been prescribed oral estrogen supplements and the vaginal progesterone gel. There's no way I could go through with a transfer if I thought my body not be ready for it.
After I got home, the nurse called back to say that my E2 actually wasn't as bad as they expected - it only went from 3200 to 3500 between yesterday and today. Dr. M decided to stick with the hcg trigger. Of course, the pharmacy delivery guy showed up five minutes later. We still had to pay the $45 delivery fee but at least we didn't pay for the meds already.
So. Tonight at 10:30 we'll do the Novarel trigger! I'm going back in for blood work tomorrow morning. If my E2 is below 5000, we still have a chance at a transfer this cycle. If it's above 5000, they are going to recommend that we do a freeze-all. This also terrifies me. We only had one embryo that made it to freeze quality last cycle (though there were two that could have been transferred).
ER is scheduled for Sunday morning. I am so nervous. I hope that my body can handle this.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Trigger Day!
Meds: 10,000 IU Novarel hcg, doxycycline
E2: 3500+
Lining: 9.3
Follies: 24 between 14.3 - 21.7
Right Side: 21.7, 21.7, 18.4, 18.2, 18.1, 17.1, 16.3, 16.2, 16.2, 15.6, 14.8, 14.6, 13.3
Left Side: 20.2, 19.9, 19.8, 19.6, 17.5, 16.8, 16.7, 16.7, 16.6, 16.2, 14.3
My left side is falling back into his sluggish ways, but he still had a great run. There are 19 in the target range.
This morning the OR nurse called me and said that based on my report from yesterday, they believed the doctor was going to switch me from the Novarel hcg trigger to a Lupron trigger. Luckily, Seth was home and took care of everything. The nurse gave him the number of a pharmacy that would do same delivery so we had the nurse put in the order. Great.
In between my classes, I started researching Lupron triggers which really scared me. Doctors sometimes use them when a patient has a higher risk for developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) because the hcg trigger can make OHSS worse. The problem is that the hcg also helps your body to prepare for a pregnancy - a Lupron trigger doesn't do that. This really worried me because I've only been prescribed oral estrogen supplements and the vaginal progesterone gel. There's no way I could go through with a transfer if I thought my body not be ready for it.
After I got home, the nurse called back to say that my E2 actually wasn't as bad as they expected - it only went from 3200 to 3500 between yesterday and today. Dr. M decided to stick with the hcg trigger. Of course, the pharmacy delivery guy showed up five minutes later. We still had to pay the $45 delivery fee but at least we didn't pay for the meds already.
So. Tonight at 10:30 we'll do the Novarel trigger! I'm going back in for blood work tomorrow morning. If my E2 is below 5000, we still have a chance at a transfer this cycle. If it's above 5000, they are going to recommend that we do a freeze-all. This also terrifies me. We only had one embryo that made it to freeze quality last cycle (though there were two that could have been transferred).
ER is scheduled for Sunday morning. I am so nervous. I hope that my body can handle this.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Trigger Day!
Meds: 10,000 IU Novarel hcg, doxycycline
E2: 3500+
Lining: 9.3
Follies: 24 between 14.3 - 21.7
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Follie Scan #4...One more day
Sorry this has been especially boring lately. I'm in data acquisition and recording mode. Focusing on the science and the facts helps me to stay relaxed. I need to save up my emotional stamina for next week.
Everything is still looking good I guess. I had a few follies jump ahead of the others, but overall they're still in a pretty close pack.
Right Side: 18.9, 17.9, 16.0, 15.4, 15.4, 15.0, 14.9, 14.8, 14.5, 14.3, 14.0, 12.8
Left Side: 17.2, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.6, 15.4, 15.2, 15.0, 14.8, 14.7, 13.9, 13.9
24 in total with 14 within 5 mm of the lead. My nurse said that the others are close enough that there is a great chance that they'll catch up by the time we get to retrieval day. Either way, it's a great batch and still much better results than we had last cycle.
Everything is still looking good I guess. I had a few follies jump ahead of the others, but overall they're still in a pretty close pack.
Right Side: 18.9, 17.9, 16.0, 15.4, 15.4, 15.0, 14.9, 14.8, 14.5, 14.3, 14.0, 12.8
Left Side: 17.2, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.6, 15.4, 15.2, 15.0, 14.8, 14.7, 13.9, 13.9
24 in total with 14 within 5 mm of the lead. My nurse said that the others are close enough that there is a great chance that they'll catch up by the time we get to retrieval day. Either way, it's a great batch and still much better results than we had last cycle.
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Follicle Size
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IVF #2
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IVF #1
|
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19
|
|
X
X
|
|
18
|
X
|
|
|
17
|
X
X
|
X
|
|
16
|
X
X X
|
X
|
|
15
|
X
X X X X X X X
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X
X X
|
|
14
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X
X X X X X X
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X
X X X X
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|
13
|
X,
X
|
X
X
|
|
12
|
X
|
X
X X X
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That's my stim day 9 table. Day 9 was trigger day last time. We got 12 eggs which maybe could be the 12 biggest. I think that's the assumption behind looking for the ones within 5 mm of the lead (because they trigger when you have a bunch in the 16-20 mm range). So that's why we're so happy that they're growing at a more uniform rate.
Quantity is great, but quality is probably more important and that was my other issue with IVF #1. One of Dr. M's hopes was that this protocol (and the more uniform growth) would help me get some better quality eggs. The other thing he mentioned was that maybe we could wait one more day before we trigger - that's what we're doing now. I have more dominant follicles than I did last time on day 9, but he decided to give me one more day of stims and we will probably trigger tomorrow. I hope this plan doesn't backfire.
I'm finally starting to get nervous. This was the "easy" part. Now is the time when things can start to go really wrong. I have so many fears - what if I ovulate early (WTF is that pain that I'm feeling now?), what if the eggs are too mature, what if the follicles are empty, what if they don't fertilize normally, what if the embryos arrest, what if they go to shit on day 3 again?
Two more days. I just need to get through two more days and then it will be out of my hands and all I can do at that point is pray.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, doxycycline
E2: 3214
Lining: 10.8
Side effects: Hunger and weird pains that better not have anything to do with ovulation
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