Saturday, February 28, 2015

Free Time!!

I feel like this is the first time in about two weeks that I've had access to both of my hands. Turns out babies are really needy!

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.

E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3

Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.

The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.

It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.

All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!

Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!


  1. I have no advice but just wanted to offer you love and support. I hope the thrush clears up quickly and that the breast feeding goes more smoothly. Hang in there, you're doing great! <3 <3 <3

  2. I feel you on everything you said! There were days I felt like I never had a moment to even sit down and breathe. Those few moments I did have, I was cleaning, doing laundry, or shoving food in my face. But slowly it has gotten better. Crib naps were a seriously source of stress for me (and O) for a couple weeks, but then one day, they clicked. I have no advice besides keep trying. It will get better.

    I hope getting over the thrush is the last hurdle you'll have in breastfeeding. Even if you decide it's not for you, as long as you both are happy, that's all that matters!

  3. I also have no advice but am glad you got a chance to post! I think about you often and I am sending support and hugs! I can only imagine how difficult this is and just want to say that you are doing GREAT. On the worst days I hope it helps to just look at E's little face looking up at you, his mama <3 <3

  4. Girl, I feel you - I am home by myself ten hours a day, waiting for the hubby to come home. When he goes back to the fire department for work, I will be alone anywhere from 24-36 hours by myself with the baby. It is so difficult - you start to feel like you brain is melting! Taking a shower is a BIG accomplishment and blow drying hair is a bonus that never happens - even during "free time." I'm sorry the breastfeeding isn't so easy. But you're right - these problems are temporary. I recently told a friend of mine that I didnt' feel like I was doing anything right. She asked if I was tired. I said I was exhausted. She said if I was tired, I was doing what I was supposed to do. Remember that - you are doing great!