First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.
E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3
Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.
The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.
It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.
All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!
Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!