(After) IF Brain

I've read that infertility doesn't go away when you get pregnant. Obviously, that's true on a physical level (my endometriosis will never go away, even if pregnancy helps to calm it down). It's very true on a mental and emotional level too. I thought I was prepared for that. I've read all about it on sites like RESOLVE and I've seen friends deal with the wild range of emotions that come along with getting pregnant after dealing with infertility. Even though I knew what to expect, I'm still struggling with a lot of mixed emotions.

I spent the better part of the last two years imagining what it would be like to get pregnant. In the beginning, I assumed that I would be thrilled. We'd get the BFP and we'd celebrate. Maybe I would do some sort of cute announcement for Seth and our parents. As more and more time went by, that fantasy dissolved. When I imagined seeing a positive test, I figured I would be excited but shocked - is this really happening? Then when we got to the point of starting treatment, I thought that if I was ever lucky enough to actually get pregnant, I would just cry and cry with relief.

I haven't cried at all yet. The day I saw my first positive pregnancy test, there were no tears. There was the shock that I expected and some excitement for sure. My face sort of acted like it was going to cry, but nothing came out. When I told Seth, when I told my mom - nothing. When I got the call about our first positive beta, my voice shook when I spoke to the nurse but there were still no tears. The moment Dr. M said that our baby's heart was beating I thought I would lose it. My throat got tight but then - still nothing.

I'm just having such a hard time believing that this is real. After spending so much time fearing the worst and going through month after month of failure, I don't trust my body. I was a statistical failure when it came to getting pregnant on my own, so it's hard to believe that the same thing won't be true when it's comes to having a healthy pregnancy.

Even though I totally sympathized with friends who have been through this already, I can't help being hard on myself. I feel so guilty complaining about this. It's like - you're pregnant, boo-fucking-hoo. Barely two months ago, I would have given anything to trade places with someone in my current shoes. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what to think or feel. I feel like I'm thinking and feeling all of the wrong things. I feel guilty when I'm feeling like this isn't real and I feel like a fool when I have a thought or make a comment about actually having a baby.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Sometimes just talking it out helps me figure out what's wrong and what I can do about it. Hopefully I don't sound too much like an ungrateful lunatic.