Breakdown

It's crazy how quickly everything changes. Last weekend, I was feeling so good. Then PMS happened. I've been raging and crying since Friday. Well, actually I cried while I was on the phone with my insurance company on Thursday too. Luckily, unlike most insurance agents I talk to, this woman was really sweet and grandmotherly. Anyway, my temperature is dropping and I should start CD1 tomorrow. At this point, I can't wait. Usually my mood improves pretty quickly once I start a new cycle. I hope this is just a temporary PMS-related depression and not reality finally settling in.

I'm taking this cycle much harder than I expected. If it had worked, I would have been due on July 16th, 2014 which would be one day after our third wedding anniversary. I'm not very sentimental and I usually don't care about stuff like that, but it just seemed nice to have something extra special to celebrate next July. It would have been nice to be able to tell my parents and sisters that I was pregnant when I go home for Thanksgiving in three weeks. I'm so tired of living so far away from them and it would have been awesome to share that with them in person.

I might have been around 12 weeks pregnant at Christmas, which would be awesome just because it would make the holidays so much more bearable. In my family, four babies will be celebrating their first Christmas and there's one more on the way in February. It's awesome, it really is - two of them are my beautiful little nieces and I love them more than anything. But all of them were conceived after Seth and I started trying. When I see them, it's hard for me to not think - why not me? Why isn't my baby here do? What did I do wrong? Every year my uncle does this little toast where he celebrates something, big or small, that happened in each person's life (there are 32 first cousins plus the five children of cousins). It's really nice, but I don't think I can take it this year. I know that I have so much to be thankful for - I love my husband, my dogs, my job, my friends. I know that I am lucky in many ways, but when he says my name the only thing I will hear is "Ana did NOT have a baby this year and she's not even pregnant". That big fucking failure.

Even though I know that we've already been trying for over a year (hello month 16, cycle 19) I think it's hitting me harder that 2013 will likely be a full calendar year of failure. 2013 - that year we didn't get pregnant. I feel shitty for thinking that way because so many other wonderful things happened, but the IF just drowns everything else out. I've shared this quote on here before but it really sums up my feelings perfectly right now: