Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Breakdown

It's crazy how quickly everything changes. Last weekend, I was feeling so good. Then PMS happened. I've been raging and crying since Friday. Well, actually I cried while I was on the phone with my insurance company on Thursday too. Luckily, unlike most insurance agents I talk to, this woman was really sweet and grandmotherly. Anyway, my temperature is dropping and I should start CD1 tomorrow. At this point, I can't wait. Usually my mood improves pretty quickly once I start a new cycle. I hope this is just a temporary PMS-related depression and not reality finally settling in.

I'm taking this cycle much harder than I expected. If it had worked, I would have been due on July 16th, 2014 which would be one day after our third wedding anniversary. I'm not very sentimental and I usually don't care about stuff like that, but it just seemed nice to have something extra special to celebrate next July. It would have been nice to be able to tell my parents and sisters that I was pregnant when I go home for Thanksgiving in three weeks. I'm so tired of living so far away from them and it would have been awesome to share that with them in person.

I might have been around 12 weeks pregnant at Christmas, which would be awesome just because it would make the holidays so much more bearable. In my family, four babies will be celebrating their first Christmas and there's one more on the way in February. It's awesome, it really is - two of them are my beautiful little nieces and I love them more than anything. But all of them were conceived after Seth and I started trying. When I see them, it's hard for me to not think - why not me? Why isn't my baby here do? What did I do wrong? Every year my uncle does this little toast where he celebrates something, big or small, that happened in each person's life (there are 32 first cousins plus the five children of cousins). It's really nice, but I don't think I can take it this year. I know that I have so much to be thankful for - I love my husband, my dogs, my job, my friends. I know that I am lucky in many ways, but when he says my name the only thing I will hear is "Ana did NOT have a baby this year and she's not even pregnant". That big fucking failure.

Even though I know that we've already been trying for over a year (hello month 16, cycle 19) I think it's hitting me harder that 2013 will likely be a full calendar year of failure. 2013 - that year we didn't get pregnant. I feel shitty for thinking that way because so many other wonderful things happened, but the IF just drowns everything else out. I've shared this quote on here before but it really sums up my feelings perfectly right now:

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry things are hard for you right now - I totally get the ups and downs. Hopefully CD1 will come soon and you'll feel a bit better. I'm also sorry about what you will have to go through at Christmas! Just try to put your energy into thinking that it will be the LAST time you will have to deal with that since I'm sure your situation will be very different the next time the holidays roll around. Think positive! Sending hugs and keeping my FX for you!

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  2. I am so sorry Ana. I swear you could write my blog posts, you're so in my head sometimes. I have so many of the same feelings about the holidays and the end of the year too. I am sorry that they will be so hard this year, for you and for all of us who feel like we are missing something so important to us, but like Chickin said, hopefully (if this cycle or next don't work out - there is still some hope!) it will be the last that we have to feel this way. I am always here if you need to talk and please know that I am thinking about you and sending good vibes your way so often! <3 ya lady!

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  3. I'm sorry you're feeling more down right now . The holidays do that to all of us! This is just a stressful time, just make sure you take care of yourself first. I'm around if you need to vent to someone! ***hugs***

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  4. Crying. I didn't blog when I was going through IF. I'm unsure why...maybe it was easier for me to just keep it all inside? But you hit so many things that I have felt in so many of your posts (2011, the year we didn't get pregnant; 2012, the year I found out I'm only half a woman). I know that you know you're not alone, but it never hurts to hear it again, so...you are NOT alone in this. I am always here if you need to talk or vent or cry.

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  5. Thanks guys! I'm so lucky to have all of you in my life <3

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  6. I'm so sorry Ana.This brought me to tears. I wish I had something magical to say here. It's crap, just crappy crap. You are NOT a failure. Your strength through this year has been an inspiration for others. You are someone that I have looked up to since day one. I'm sorry that you'll have to go through that at Christmas. Love you woman! <3

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