Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Not when, but IF

Today, I'm 9 dpo which is around the time the PMS tears and rage kick in. I had a crap IF day yesterday. Just full of bad feelings. I'm just so angry about everything. Why is this happening to us? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't we have what so many other get have? As happy as I am for other people, I'm also really jealous that I no longer feel the hope and certainty that a normal, happy couple feels.

I realized that I never say "when we have kids" anymore. I always catch myself and say "if we have kids". It breaks my heart. I'm so sad that all of the things I always imagined that Seth and I would do with our children have become ifs instead of whens. IFs. Fucking IFs.

The guilt is killing me too. I feel like it's all my fault. I know that Seth doesn't blame me, but I can't help thinking that things would be different IF I was different. IF only I didn't have endometriosis. IF only I could gain a bit more weight. IF only...


  1. (((hugs))) I am sorry you were having a bad IF day yesterday, I hope today is better for you. I can so relate, as usual. I have started saying things like, "IF I ever get KU" and H chimes in with, "WHEN", but I don't really know that, and that is heartbreaking. The IFs suck as much as IF. <3

  2. Great big HUGS! The same convo happen in our house with me now saying IF an hubs correcting me with WHEN. I can't truly believe him though. You are certainly not alone there!

    I hope you have a wonderful visit with your family over Thanksgiving. <3

  3. I'm sorry you're having a rough go! It is NOT your fault, so don't ever blame yourself! Some of us just have to work a little harder for our dreams, I guess! ***Hugs***