Turn on the Light

Today is CD1. Cycle 18. Bring it on.

I'm sad, for sure. I cried for a few minutes last night when my cramps got so bad that I knew I was out. Now, though, it's really anger and fear that I feel most often. I'm so angry that this is happening. I'm angry that I have endometriosis. I'm angry that I never used BCPs - maybe that would have made a difference (and maybe not). I'm angry that we waited to start trying (even though I know it was for the best). And I'm just so scared. I have no idea if we'll be able to have children or how or when it will happen if we are able to do it. I'm afraid that we'll make the wrong decision.

Seth and I talked again about temping. I am ready to give up on it, especially after this last cycle got my hopes up so much. Seth said that he had a good feeling when my temp kept rising too. I feel so bad - I should have kept it to myself. Anyway, I told him how it was really getting to me and I reminded him that Dr. M thinks that with my cycles being so regular just doing the OPKs is enough. We're still a little nervous though. If we're going to do treatment we want to feel like we did everything we possibly could first. I think I'll just temp to confirm ovulation (between the end of my period and ovulation it's only about a week anyway) and then I'll stop. If this helps me feel better, we'll try this method for awhile.

I'm hanging in there though. Partly because I really don't have any other choice and partly because I've been spending the weekend with my three favorites. (Four, if you count all of the phone calls from my mom - she knew I expected to get my period and I think she kept calling to chat so that I didn't feel lonely. I love her.) On Friday, Seth and I took Binks and Bear to the park for dinner. I dropped Seth and the boys off by the front gate and then drove to find a table while the dogs pulled Seth through the park on the skateboard. It's great exercise for them!

After dinner, Seth skated away with them while I got the car. As soon as Bear saw me he started sprinting. It was so cool to see them running toward me in my side mirror. One of the these days, I'll post a video of their runs. They're amazing.

I love these guys - and Seth- so much. I don't know what I would do without them. Some days I think that I can't do this much longer - I'm not strong enough - but I know that as long as I have them and my family and my wonderful friends, the good days will outnumber the bad ones for us. We will get through it.