Hope

That's what showed up in my mailbox today. Hope. For the first time in months, I feel really truly hopeful.

I've been checking my email and our mailbox like a crazy person for the past few days waiting to get a response about our application to our fertility clinic's discount IVF program. They offer a discount (from 10-50%) for teachers, first responders, military personnel, and low income families. I was worried that we would not be accepted because I'm not a full-time teacher/employee.

When I heard the mail truck pull away this afternoon, I had a good feeling. I went out to the mailbox, sorted through the envelopes, and found a standard letter addressed to me with our clinic's logo. I tore open the letter right there in the driveway. And then I started crying.

Right there in bold letters and yellow highlighter were the words telling me that Seth and I qualified for a 45% discount on all IVF-related expenses. 45%!!! That's almost the maximum! That's more than I let myself hope for. I cried for about five minutes, re-read the letter, cried again, read more of the letter to make sure that I read it correctly, and then cried some more. I noticed that the discount didn't include ICIS, assisted hatching, or extended embryo culture but I didn't care. We could handle those extra costs if we needed to. Except then I noticed a second letter in our pile of mail! There was another letter and that one gave us a quote for a second IVF package which DID include all of the extras. The first letter was just the base package, but if we want the extras we get a discount on them as well. If we're fortunate enough to have some frosties, we'll get a discount on frozen embryo transfers too.

I am so happy and so thankful and so fucking relieved. I feel like we have options and a decent chance now. The Attain refund program was just too much money and too much pressure for us to handle right now. This program doesn't offer a refund, but the discount is better and I like that we don't have to pay for things we might not need or get to use. We can take a break whenever we want. This is perfect for us and I am so thrilled.

Seth was out for a walk with the dogs when I opened the letter. I was so excited to tell him. Oddly, the first thing he did when he walked in was ask if the mail came. I said 'It sure did' and handed him the letter. I pointed at the price and cried and we hugged. It was so wonderful to see the look of hope and relief on his face too.

Today I am hopeful that we will be able to attempt at least one IVF cycle. I am hopeful that soon, we will have a better chance than we've ever had at actually getting pregnant. And I am hopeful that I won't always feel the way that I've been feeling lately. If Seth and I can be so happy just to hear that we can afford treatment, I know that some day we will be able to feel hope and happiness WHEN we finally find out that I'm pregnant.