Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dark Days

Do you ever have days where you just want to wallow? Today is one of those days for me. I have all kinds of bad or negative feelings and instead of trying to cheer myself up, I just want to let myself feel it. I love music and sometimes it really helps me process my feelings. I found a new favorite song to listen to on my dark days - Dust Bowl Dance by Mumford and Sons.
And I have no idea where else my heart could have been
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill
And now I am sure my heart can never be still

So collect your courage and collect your horse
And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse

Seal my heart and break my pride
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide
Align my heart, my body, my mind

It has absolutely nothing to do with infertility, but it reminds me of how I've felt at various times since starting IVF. The feelings are the same. Anger. Sadness. Bitterness. Regret.

I feel all of those things. I don't like that I feel them, but I do. I'm human. I'm alive. I can't imagine that anyone who's experienced this or watched someone they love experience this wouldn't feel them at some point.

It scares me to feel this way. I feel guilty too because I know that it could be worse - it can always be worse. But on the other hand, it really helps to acknowledge that I feel this way sometimes. Better out than in right? Having a bad day makes me more determined to have a better day tomorrow.

IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression Phase
BCPs: 8 down, 12 to go
Days until baseline: 15
Side Effects: 


  1. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. IF really is a roller coaster and unfortunately, you can't avoid the downs. I love a photo I posted a while back that says, "It is perfectly ok to admit that you're not okay" and I remind myself of this often. You said it - better out than in, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. And then I like to remind myself that "This too shall pass".
    I hope tomorrow is a better day. Sending lots of hugs and love <3

  2. ((Hugs)) I'm sorry that you're having a rough day. The person who makes it through IF without any dark days is a liar. I hope tomorrow is a better day <3

  3. Yup, some days, the dark side wins. I hope tomorrow is better <3