Well, this morning we got the news that our embryos are doing well so we've been scheduled for a day 5 transfer. Great! Right? I'm happy, of course, but still very nervous. I have no idea how many embryos are still growing or how many look good. We just have to hope that the lab made the right call and pray that our embies keep growing nice and strong.
Obviously, it looks like Dr. M still planning to go through with the fresh transfer. This makes me even more nervous. At least with the embryos, what happens to them is completely out of my control. In terms of transfer vs. freeze-all, I get to make the final decision. I'm scared. I feel great - almost totally normal. I don't have an ounce of weight gain, no tenderness or soreness. I had pretty significant stomach pains, but I'm confident that that was from the antibiotics. I started taking some probiotics and that is improving too.
I'm concerned because even if I don't have any symptoms of OHSS now, if we went through with the transfer and it was successful I would be at a very high risk for late onset OHSS. I've read enough stories online to know that that is not something to take lightly. It sounds absolutely miserable at best and can be life-threatening in the worst cases.
There was also a study published last year that found that women who conceived from a fresh cycle transfer with pre-retrieval E2 levels above 3450 pg/mL were more likely to have complications like preeclampsia and their babies were more likely to have low-birth weight. My level after trigger was 6000. I'm not sure if the study meant a pre- or post-trigger level of 3450 pg/mL, because they also stated that they recommend freeze-all when pre-trigger levels are over 4500 pg/mL (mine was not). Either way, it gives me a lot to consider.
I'm so worried about making this decision. And while I'm really grateful that we have the embryos that make this decision necessary, I'm really angry that we have to make this choice at all. Regular people just get pregnant. People with IF have so many different things to consider, so many opportunities to blame ourselves (even though I know we don't deserve the blame).
I'm considering flipping a coin, just so I can avoid the pressure and guilt.
As always, advice and opinions are very welcome from anyone.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Day 1 Fert Report
I'm feeling okay today. My stomach hurts, but I'm pretty sure it is from all of the antibiotics that I have been taking - I remember having stomach pain last cycle as well. I'm being really careful about drinking Gatorade and coconut water and I've been eating some protein-rich snacks. Hopefully I don't develop OHSS!
Yesterday, while I was waiting to go in for retrieval I heard the nurse making calls to patients to give them their fertilization reports. That was at 9:00 AM, so today I thought maybe my call will come at 9:00 AM too!
9:00...Nope...10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...nothing.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I called them. The nurse answered right away and was able to give me our report (doesn't she know how hard it is to wait??).
We had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday. 16 of them were mature and 16 of them were fertilized! Hopefully one (or more) of them is our golden egg!
Of course we are very happy about this. We can cross a few more worries off our list today. We are also being very cautious with our feelings and expectations. We had a nearly 100% fert rate last time as well, but our 9 embryos only resulted in one blast and a BFN. So we're hopeful, but not ready to celebrate yet.
For now, Dr. M thinks that we can proceed with a transfer as long as I don't show any symptoms of OHSS. I am scheduled to go in for a day 3 transfer on Wednesday morning. We'll get a call early in the morning if things are looking good and they think that we can wait until day 5. My heart is relieved because I really didn't want to be cancelled, but I'm also wondering if it is the right thing to do. Is my body ready? Will an embryo even have a chance? I think we still need to just wait and see how everything goes.
Yesterday, while I was waiting to go in for retrieval I heard the nurse making calls to patients to give them their fertilization reports. That was at 9:00 AM, so today I thought maybe my call will come at 9:00 AM too!
9:00...Nope...10:00...11:00...12:00...1:00...nothing.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore and I called them. The nurse answered right away and was able to give me our report (doesn't she know how hard it is to wait??).
We had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday. 16 of them were mature and 16 of them were fertilized! Hopefully one (or more) of them is our golden egg!
For now, Dr. M thinks that we can proceed with a transfer as long as I don't show any symptoms of OHSS. I am scheduled to go in for a day 3 transfer on Wednesday morning. We'll get a call early in the morning if things are looking good and they think that we can wait until day 5. My heart is relieved because I really didn't want to be cancelled, but I'm also wondering if it is the right thing to do. Is my body ready? Will an embryo even have a chance? I think we still need to just wait and see how everything goes.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Retrieval Day #2
This morning was retrieval day and it went really well!
Dr. M was actually working this week and I was the only retrieval scheduled today (last time there were 8!) so it was nice and relaxing and I had plenty of time to talk to him before and after the procedure.
They retrieved 18 eggs! That's pretty much exactly what we expected/hoped for based on my last ultrasound. It's a relief to get to this point - I can start crossing a few worries off my list.
Now comes the fun part - waiting, praying, and more waiting. Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report. After that it's just going to be 'wait and see'. At some point over the next three days Dr. M will make the decision about a transfer. It could still go either way. It's going to based on how I'm doing and how the embryos are doing in the lab (assuming we have some, of course).
In the meantime, they gave me a prescription that should help prevent severe OHSS and I'm supposed to eat of all of the salt and protein and drink all of the Gatorade. Hopefully I don't develop any complications!
Thanks again for all of the support and well wishes!!
Dr. M was actually working this week and I was the only retrieval scheduled today (last time there were 8!) so it was nice and relaxing and I had plenty of time to talk to him before and after the procedure.
They retrieved 18 eggs! That's pretty much exactly what we expected/hoped for based on my last ultrasound. It's a relief to get to this point - I can start crossing a few worries off my list.
Now comes the fun part - waiting, praying, and more waiting. Tomorrow we'll get the fertilization report. After that it's just going to be 'wait and see'. At some point over the next three days Dr. M will make the decision about a transfer. It could still go either way. It's going to based on how I'm doing and how the embryos are doing in the lab (assuming we have some, of course).
In the meantime, they gave me a prescription that should help prevent severe OHSS and I'm supposed to eat of all of the salt and protein and drink all of the Gatorade. Hopefully I don't develop any complications!
Thanks again for all of the support and well wishes!!
Friday, April 25, 2014
Trigger Day!
Oh shit. I've been wanting this day to get here so badly and now I'm terrified. I went in for my fifth follie scan this morning and everything still looks pretty good.
Right Side: 21.7, 21.7, 18.4, 18.2, 18.1, 17.1, 16.3, 16.2, 16.2, 15.6, 14.8, 14.6, 13.3
Left Side: 20.2, 19.9, 19.8, 19.6, 17.5, 16.8, 16.7, 16.7, 16.6, 16.2, 14.3
My left side is falling back into his sluggish ways, but he still had a great run. There are 19 in the target range.
This morning the OR nurse called me and said that based on my report from yesterday, they believed the doctor was going to switch me from the Novarel hcg trigger to a Lupron trigger. Luckily, Seth was home and took care of everything. The nurse gave him the number of a pharmacy that would do same delivery so we had the nurse put in the order. Great.
In between my classes, I started researching Lupron triggers which really scared me. Doctors sometimes use them when a patient has a higher risk for developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) because the hcg trigger can make OHSS worse. The problem is that the hcg also helps your body to prepare for a pregnancy - a Lupron trigger doesn't do that. This really worried me because I've only been prescribed oral estrogen supplements and the vaginal progesterone gel. There's no way I could go through with a transfer if I thought my body not be ready for it.
After I got home, the nurse called back to say that my E2 actually wasn't as bad as they expected - it only went from 3200 to 3500 between yesterday and today. Dr. M decided to stick with the hcg trigger. Of course, the pharmacy delivery guy showed up five minutes later. We still had to pay the $45 delivery fee but at least we didn't pay for the meds already.
So. Tonight at 10:30 we'll do the Novarel trigger! I'm going back in for blood work tomorrow morning. If my E2 is below 5000, we still have a chance at a transfer this cycle. If it's above 5000, they are going to recommend that we do a freeze-all. This also terrifies me. We only had one embryo that made it to freeze quality last cycle (though there were two that could have been transferred).
ER is scheduled for Sunday morning. I am so nervous. I hope that my body can handle this.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Trigger Day!
Meds: 10,000 IU Novarel hcg, doxycycline
E2: 3500+
Lining: 9.3
Follies: 24 between 14.3 - 21.7
Right Side: 21.7, 21.7, 18.4, 18.2, 18.1, 17.1, 16.3, 16.2, 16.2, 15.6, 14.8, 14.6, 13.3
Left Side: 20.2, 19.9, 19.8, 19.6, 17.5, 16.8, 16.7, 16.7, 16.6, 16.2, 14.3
My left side is falling back into his sluggish ways, but he still had a great run. There are 19 in the target range.
This morning the OR nurse called me and said that based on my report from yesterday, they believed the doctor was going to switch me from the Novarel hcg trigger to a Lupron trigger. Luckily, Seth was home and took care of everything. The nurse gave him the number of a pharmacy that would do same delivery so we had the nurse put in the order. Great.
In between my classes, I started researching Lupron triggers which really scared me. Doctors sometimes use them when a patient has a higher risk for developing OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome) because the hcg trigger can make OHSS worse. The problem is that the hcg also helps your body to prepare for a pregnancy - a Lupron trigger doesn't do that. This really worried me because I've only been prescribed oral estrogen supplements and the vaginal progesterone gel. There's no way I could go through with a transfer if I thought my body not be ready for it.
After I got home, the nurse called back to say that my E2 actually wasn't as bad as they expected - it only went from 3200 to 3500 between yesterday and today. Dr. M decided to stick with the hcg trigger. Of course, the pharmacy delivery guy showed up five minutes later. We still had to pay the $45 delivery fee but at least we didn't pay for the meds already.
So. Tonight at 10:30 we'll do the Novarel trigger! I'm going back in for blood work tomorrow morning. If my E2 is below 5000, we still have a chance at a transfer this cycle. If it's above 5000, they are going to recommend that we do a freeze-all. This also terrifies me. We only had one embryo that made it to freeze quality last cycle (though there were two that could have been transferred).
ER is scheduled for Sunday morning. I am so nervous. I hope that my body can handle this.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Trigger Day!
Meds: 10,000 IU Novarel hcg, doxycycline
E2: 3500+
Lining: 9.3
Follies: 24 between 14.3 - 21.7
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Follie Scan #4...One more day
Sorry this has been especially boring lately. I'm in data acquisition and recording mode. Focusing on the science and the facts helps me to stay relaxed. I need to save up my emotional stamina for next week.
Everything is still looking good I guess. I had a few follies jump ahead of the others, but overall they're still in a pretty close pack.
Right Side: 18.9, 17.9, 16.0, 15.4, 15.4, 15.0, 14.9, 14.8, 14.5, 14.3, 14.0, 12.8
Left Side: 17.2, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.6, 15.4, 15.2, 15.0, 14.8, 14.7, 13.9, 13.9
24 in total with 14 within 5 mm of the lead. My nurse said that the others are close enough that there is a great chance that they'll catch up by the time we get to retrieval day. Either way, it's a great batch and still much better results than we had last cycle.
Everything is still looking good I guess. I had a few follies jump ahead of the others, but overall they're still in a pretty close pack.
Right Side: 18.9, 17.9, 16.0, 15.4, 15.4, 15.0, 14.9, 14.8, 14.5, 14.3, 14.0, 12.8
Left Side: 17.2, 16.4, 16.1, 15.6, 15.6, 15.4, 15.2, 15.0, 14.8, 14.7, 13.9, 13.9
24 in total with 14 within 5 mm of the lead. My nurse said that the others are close enough that there is a great chance that they'll catch up by the time we get to retrieval day. Either way, it's a great batch and still much better results than we had last cycle.
|
Follicle Size
|
IVF #2
|
IVF #1
|
|
19
|
|
X
X
|
|
18
|
X
|
|
|
17
|
X
X
|
X
|
|
16
|
X
X X
|
X
|
|
15
|
X
X X X X X X X
|
X
X X
|
|
14
|
X
X X X X X X
|
X
X X X X
|
|
13
|
X,
X
|
X
X
|
|
12
|
X
|
X
X X X
|
That's my stim day 9 table. Day 9 was trigger day last time. We got 12 eggs which maybe could be the 12 biggest. I think that's the assumption behind looking for the ones within 5 mm of the lead (because they trigger when you have a bunch in the 16-20 mm range). So that's why we're so happy that they're growing at a more uniform rate.
Quantity is great, but quality is probably more important and that was my other issue with IVF #1. One of Dr. M's hopes was that this protocol (and the more uniform growth) would help me get some better quality eggs. The other thing he mentioned was that maybe we could wait one more day before we trigger - that's what we're doing now. I have more dominant follicles than I did last time on day 9, but he decided to give me one more day of stims and we will probably trigger tomorrow. I hope this plan doesn't backfire.
I'm finally starting to get nervous. This was the "easy" part. Now is the time when things can start to go really wrong. I have so many fears - what if I ovulate early (WTF is that pain that I'm feeling now?), what if the eggs are too mature, what if the follicles are empty, what if they don't fertilize normally, what if the embryos arrest, what if they go to shit on day 3 again?
Two more days. I just need to get through two more days and then it will be out of my hands and all I can do at that point is pray.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, doxycycline
E2: 3214
Lining: 10.8
Side effects: Hunger and weird pains that better not have anything to do with ovulation
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Follie Scan #3
Same shit, different day. I'm getting tired of these 7:00 AM monitoring appointments. Or more specially, I'm getting tired of the 1.5 hour round trip drive. Between this and my commute to work and the lovely south Florida traffic, I feel like I spend all day in the car. It makes me sooo sleepy.
Anyway, things are still looking pretty good! Today I have 23 follicles between ~11 and 16 mm. I hope that somewhere in there we have a good quality egg or two. Or 23. Here's my table for today:
Everything is still nice and close to my lead follicle. At my WTF meeting, Dr. M told me that he would review everything carefully when my follicles got to around ~14 mm and he was also going to talk to the lab director. He called me today to let me know that he's keeping a very close eye on me and that he's very happy with my progress. I'm glad that he took the time to call me himself. It was very reassuring.
My estrogen level is still getting pretty high. It's about the same as it was when we triggered last cycle, but this time we're working with so many more decent sized follies. I spoke with the nurse today and she told me that they're not worried about me yet, but if it gets too high they will consider using a different trigger. For now, I'm continuing with the same dose of meds (we dropped to 75 IU of Gonal F yesterday) and finally adding the Cetrotide tonight. Next follie scan is tomorrow at - surprise - 7:00 AM!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, doxyfuckingcycline
E2: 2157
Side Effects: Hunger
Anyway, things are still looking pretty good! Today I have 23 follicles between ~11 and 16 mm. I hope that somewhere in there we have a good quality egg or two. Or 23. Here's my table for today:
|
Follicle Size
|
IVF #2
|
IVF #1
|
|
18
|
|
X
X
|
|
17
|
|
|
|
16
|
X
|
|
|
15
|
X
X X X
|
X
X X X X
|
|
14
|
X
X X X X X X X
|
|
|
13
|
X
X X X
|
X
X X
|
|
12
|
X
X
|
X
X X
|
|
11
|
X
X X
|
|
|
10
|
X
|
X
X X
|
Everything is still nice and close to my lead follicle. At my WTF meeting, Dr. M told me that he would review everything carefully when my follicles got to around ~14 mm and he was also going to talk to the lab director. He called me today to let me know that he's keeping a very close eye on me and that he's very happy with my progress. I'm glad that he took the time to call me himself. It was very reassuring.
My estrogen level is still getting pretty high. It's about the same as it was when we triggered last cycle, but this time we're working with so many more decent sized follies. I spoke with the nurse today and she told me that they're not worried about me yet, but if it gets too high they will consider using a different trigger. For now, I'm continuing with the same dose of meds (we dropped to 75 IU of Gonal F yesterday) and finally adding the Cetrotide tonight. Next follie scan is tomorrow at - surprise - 7:00 AM!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, doxyfuckingcycline
E2: 2157
Side Effects: Hunger
Monday, April 21, 2014
Follie Scan #2
Another great scan this morning!
I was nervous to see whether or not my good luck would continue, but there was no need. Everything still looks great. My left side isn't being sluggish at all either! Check it out (Yes, I made a table. What of it? I love data.):
Left Side: 12.3, 12.2, 11.6, 11.2, 10.8, 10.4, 10.1, 9.4, 8.9, 7.8, 5.1
Right Side: 11.8, 11.2, 11.1, 10.2, 10.1, 9.6, 9.4, 9.1, 8.9, 7.9, 7.4
My clinic triggers when your lead follicles are in the 16-20 mm range. On day 6 of IVF #1, I only had 5 follicles that were within 4 mm of the lead. This time I have 19! I feel like this is a big improvement and I'm happy that we are either having a lucky cycle or found a way to jump this hurdle (by switching to the antagonist protocol). I know that we still have a long way to go - there are so many things that could still go wrong - but I'm trying not to think too far ahead. One step at a time. It feels good to be happy and hopeful about something for now. It's helping me keep my nerves in check.
I'll get my instructions and details for my next scan this afternoon!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation Phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F (dropped from 150), Doxycycline
E2: 1246
Lining: 8.1 mm
Side Effects: Eh, feeling pretty good today!
I was nervous to see whether or not my good luck would continue, but there was no need. Everything still looks great. My left side isn't being sluggish at all either! Check it out (Yes, I made a table. What of it? I love data.):
Left Side: 12.3, 12.2, 11.6, 11.2, 10.8, 10.4, 10.1, 9.4, 8.9, 7.8, 5.1
Right Side: 11.8, 11.2, 11.1, 10.2, 10.1, 9.6, 9.4, 9.1, 8.9, 7.9, 7.4
|
Follicle Size
|
IVF #2
|
IVF #1
|
|
14
|
|
X
|
|
13
|
|
|
|
12
|
X
X
|
X
X
|
|
11
|
X
X X X X
|
|
|
10
|
X
X X X X
|
X
X X
|
|
9
|
X
X X X X X
|
X
X X
|
|
8
|
X
|
X
X X
|
|
7
|
X
X
|
X
|
|
6
|
|
X
X X X
|
|
5
|
X
|
|
My clinic triggers when your lead follicles are in the 16-20 mm range. On day 6 of IVF #1, I only had 5 follicles that were within 4 mm of the lead. This time I have 19! I feel like this is a big improvement and I'm happy that we are either having a lucky cycle or found a way to jump this hurdle (by switching to the antagonist protocol). I know that we still have a long way to go - there are so many things that could still go wrong - but I'm trying not to think too far ahead. One step at a time. It feels good to be happy and hopeful about something for now. It's helping me keep my nerves in check.
I'll get my instructions and details for my next scan this afternoon!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation Phase
Meds: 150 Menopur, 75 Gonal-F (dropped from 150), Doxycycline
E2: 1246
Lining: 8.1 mm
Side Effects: Eh, feeling pretty good today!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Follie Scan #1
Today is stim day 4 and I went in for my first follie scan this morning. So far, so good!
I had the ultrasound first. The nurse started on my left side, took a quick peek, and then moved over to the right side and started taking measurements. I started to worry immediately because my left ovary is my bad side and it was "sluggish" last cycle. To my relief, she returned to the left side at the end and started clicking away. Thank goodness!
After having my blood drawn, I got to speak to the nurse and she printed out my progress report for me. Here the details:
AFC: 29!! (My previous counts were 14, 16, and "at least 17" so this was a nice surprise.)
Right Side: 8.0, 7.2, 6.9, 6.5, 6.5, 6.5, 6.0, 5.9, 4.7, 3.7
Left Side: 8.1, 7.3, 6.8, 6.8, 6.3, 6.0, 5.0, 5.0, 4.5, 4.2, 3.3, 3.0
Lining: 4.8
E2: 337
Look at my left side kicking ass! I am so pleased with how it looks so far. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to compare my progress to last cycle or not but I can't help it. I mean we changed protocols in hopes of getting a different response so it makes sense to compare, right? Well, on day 4 of IVF #1 I had 16 measurable follicles and they ranged from 3-11 mm, but only 4 were within 2 mm of the the lead follicle. This time I have 22 measurable follicles and 14 of them are within ~2 mm of the lead follicle. 14! So far, the growth is much more uniform than it was last cycle and I know that was one of our goals for this cycle so I'm really, really happy.
Now I'm just waiting to get the results of my blood work, instructions for tonight, and next scan appointment. Nurse Jacki said they might start bringing me in every day, but I hope I don't have to go in tomorrow. Seth and I are planning to go out for Easter Sunday brunch tomorrow!
I hope that everyone has a great weekend and nice holiday!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation Phase - Day 4
Meds: 150 Menopur, 150 Gonal-F, Doxycycline
Side Effects: Soreness in ovaries and lower back, heartburn from the doxy
I had the ultrasound first. The nurse started on my left side, took a quick peek, and then moved over to the right side and started taking measurements. I started to worry immediately because my left ovary is my bad side and it was "sluggish" last cycle. To my relief, she returned to the left side at the end and started clicking away. Thank goodness!
After having my blood drawn, I got to speak to the nurse and she printed out my progress report for me. Here the details:
AFC: 29!! (My previous counts were 14, 16, and "at least 17" so this was a nice surprise.)
Right Side: 8.0, 7.2, 6.9, 6.5, 6.5, 6.5, 6.0, 5.9, 4.7, 3.7
Left Side: 8.1, 7.3, 6.8, 6.8, 6.3, 6.0, 5.0, 5.0, 4.5, 4.2, 3.3, 3.0
Lining: 4.8
E2: 337
Look at my left side kicking ass! I am so pleased with how it looks so far. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to compare my progress to last cycle or not but I can't help it. I mean we changed protocols in hopes of getting a different response so it makes sense to compare, right? Well, on day 4 of IVF #1 I had 16 measurable follicles and they ranged from 3-11 mm, but only 4 were within 2 mm of the the lead follicle. This time I have 22 measurable follicles and 14 of them are within ~2 mm of the lead follicle. 14! So far, the growth is much more uniform than it was last cycle and I know that was one of our goals for this cycle so I'm really, really happy.
Now I'm just waiting to get the results of my blood work, instructions for tonight, and next scan appointment. Nurse Jacki said they might start bringing me in every day, but I hope I don't have to go in tomorrow. Seth and I are planning to go out for Easter Sunday brunch tomorrow!
I hope that everyone has a great weekend and nice holiday!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimulation Phase - Day 4
Meds: 150 Menopur, 150 Gonal-F, Doxycycline
Side Effects: Soreness in ovaries and lower back, heartburn from the doxy
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Stimming!
First, I just want to say thank you to everyone for all of the comments and well wishes over the past few weeks (and months). I am so grateful for all of the extra prayers and crossed fingers!
Yesterday was CD1 (thanks, body!) so when I went in for my baseline appointment, everything looked great and I was cleared to start stimming! We're doing the antagonist protocol this time so right now I'm only taking 150 IU of Menopur and 150 of Gonal-F. It was nice to have just one injection. We'll add Cetrotide in a few days. I'll go back for my first follie scan bright and early on Saturday morning.
I'm feeling really good right now. Partly because I know what to expect, partly because of the relaxation exercises I'm doing (Circle + Bloom), and partly from all of the support from my family and friends. I did have a little bit of anxiety last night doing the first injection. Seth wasn't home and I hate doing the first one alone. Also, I think there was caffeine in my coffee and I hardly ever drink caffeine because it makes me shake. So that plus the anxiety - it basically felt like I was drunk which is not good when you're injecting yourself. I spilled a bit of the Menopur from the first vial but since I'm not a newbie anymore (or maybe because I was "drunk") I just said "fuck it" instead of melting down and calling the on-call nurse.
A few weeks ago, my parents were visiting. They were here when I went in for my appointment to start BCPs. My mom left a little surprise for me at the house before she left.
She doesn't know about my Snuggle Bunnies group (from TB), she just knows that bunnies are my favorite animal, but it made me smile. She also left a St. Jude prayer card that was given to her by my MomMom (her mom). St. Jude is the Patron Saint of "lost causes" and "cases despaired of". I'm glad to add it to my collection - I keep a card for St. Gianna and St. Gerard by my bed as well. My mom is the best and I am so lucky and grateful to have her. It's little things like this that keep me going and give me hope.
So that's what I'll be doing for the next 8 to 14 days - stimming and praying and hoping for the best!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimming
Meds: 150 Menopur, 150 Gonal-F, Doxycycline
Side effects: Nothing yet
Yesterday was CD1 (thanks, body!) so when I went in for my baseline appointment, everything looked great and I was cleared to start stimming! We're doing the antagonist protocol this time so right now I'm only taking 150 IU of Menopur and 150 of Gonal-F. It was nice to have just one injection. We'll add Cetrotide in a few days. I'll go back for my first follie scan bright and early on Saturday morning.
I'm feeling really good right now. Partly because I know what to expect, partly because of the relaxation exercises I'm doing (Circle + Bloom), and partly from all of the support from my family and friends. I did have a little bit of anxiety last night doing the first injection. Seth wasn't home and I hate doing the first one alone. Also, I think there was caffeine in my coffee and I hardly ever drink caffeine because it makes me shake. So that plus the anxiety - it basically felt like I was drunk which is not good when you're injecting yourself. I spilled a bit of the Menopur from the first vial but since I'm not a newbie anymore (or maybe because I was "drunk") I just said "fuck it" instead of melting down and calling the on-call nurse.
A few weeks ago, my parents were visiting. They were here when I went in for my appointment to start BCPs. My mom left a little surprise for me at the house before she left.
 |
| Bunny cookie and St. Jude prayer card |
So that's what I'll be doing for the next 8 to 14 days - stimming and praying and hoping for the best!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Stimming
Meds: 150 Menopur, 150 Gonal-F, Doxycycline
Side effects: Nothing yet
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Last BCP today!
I'm so pumped - tonight I'll take my last BCP. After that, I just sit back and wait for CD1. Hopefully it comes before my baseline which is scheduled for Wednesday morning. Last cycle, it didn't start until the afternoon on the day of baseline. I'd prefer to be ready to go before I head into the clinic on Wednesday. We'll see if my body cooperates.
I'm really, really excited to get started again. I feel so much better about everything than I did last cycle. Probably just because I know what to expect. I know how to mix the medications. I know how to do the injections. I know how my body reacts to the medicines (hopefully that doesn't change because I think I had it really easy). I know that the waiting feels like. I know how long it takes for my clinic to call with news.
And I know what it feels like to get a BFN on an IVF cycle.
We're trying a new protocol too. It could go either way. Maybe this protocol will help my produce better quality embryos. Maybe it will be a complete disaster. There's nothing that I can do to change the outcome though so I'm just trying to hope for the best.
Last cycle, we told both sets of parents (who then had permission to tell our siblings). No one else knew what was going on (except for you guys here, TB, and IDOB). This time, I requested that we keep it to just ourselves and my parents and siblings. I was worried that that would be very unfair to Seth, but he is fine with it. He didn't and doesn't feel the need to talk to his family during the process, but I do. I talk to my mom almost every day as it is and last cycle we talked at least once a day. Seth is awesome, but he's a not a woman and he's never been pregnant so there are just some things that he can't relate to. I need my mom and I know there's not a chance in hell that my dad or sisters would ever say anything to anyone. I don't feel that confident about Seth's family. Especially now that my BIL, SIL, and their friends know we're headed for IVF - I don't want the pressure of them knowing when it's happening and asking for news.
To be honest, I can't even see myself wanting to share any news if I ever actually get pregnant. I used to think it would so exciting to finally get to tell everyone that we were having a baby, but I don't feel that way right now. If I could, I really think I would wait until the baby popped out to share it with anyone (other than my family). I'm not sure why I feel that way. It's probably just fear, I'm sure.
Anyway, despite that, I AM hopeful. Hopefully, two weeks from now I'll be getting ready for another egg retrieval!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase
BCPs: 19 down, 1 to go!!
Days until baseline: 4
I'm really, really excited to get started again. I feel so much better about everything than I did last cycle. Probably just because I know what to expect. I know how to mix the medications. I know how to do the injections. I know how my body reacts to the medicines (hopefully that doesn't change because I think I had it really easy). I know that the waiting feels like. I know how long it takes for my clinic to call with news.
And I know what it feels like to get a BFN on an IVF cycle.
We're trying a new protocol too. It could go either way. Maybe this protocol will help my produce better quality embryos. Maybe it will be a complete disaster. There's nothing that I can do to change the outcome though so I'm just trying to hope for the best.
Last cycle, we told both sets of parents (who then had permission to tell our siblings). No one else knew what was going on (except for you guys here, TB, and IDOB). This time, I requested that we keep it to just ourselves and my parents and siblings. I was worried that that would be very unfair to Seth, but he is fine with it. He didn't and doesn't feel the need to talk to his family during the process, but I do. I talk to my mom almost every day as it is and last cycle we talked at least once a day. Seth is awesome, but he's a not a woman and he's never been pregnant so there are just some things that he can't relate to. I need my mom and I know there's not a chance in hell that my dad or sisters would ever say anything to anyone. I don't feel that confident about Seth's family. Especially now that my BIL, SIL, and their friends know we're headed for IVF - I don't want the pressure of them knowing when it's happening and asking for news.
To be honest, I can't even see myself wanting to share any news if I ever actually get pregnant. I used to think it would so exciting to finally get to tell everyone that we were having a baby, but I don't feel that way right now. If I could, I really think I would wait until the baby popped out to share it with anyone (other than my family). I'm not sure why I feel that way. It's probably just fear, I'm sure.
Anyway, despite that, I AM hopeful. Hopefully, two weeks from now I'll be getting ready for another egg retrieval!
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase
BCPs: 19 down, 1 to go!!
Days until baseline: 4
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Mini Break
Yesterday, Seth and I took the dogs to the Keys for a nice little mini vacation. My BIL just bought a house down there so we decided to first take the dogs to a new state park in the morning and then spend the day visiting Seth's brother. It was so nice. The park was really similar to the state park that we go to near the house. Lots of trees and shade, but it was less crowded than our park. There was a lot to see too - lots of limestone with fossilized coral, birds, butterflies, and new smells for Binks and Bear.
Then we went a little farther south to the next Key were my BIL now lives. The house was so cute. It's just a little cottage type place (that needs a bit of work) but the yard was awesome. It's big in the front and in the back and it's completely fenced in so Binks and Bear could stay outside all day. There's also a wide deck along 3 sides of the house and docks along the canal. It was nice to just sit on the water and watch the dogs chase the iguanas off the dock. Seth and I also brought our kayak down and took it out into the bay. We saw a nurse shark!
We also "came out" to some IRL friends for the first time too. We knew that they were having trouble because my BIL mentioned it to us, but I didn't feel like it was his information to share so we never talked to them about it. Yesterday, the wife told me us that she was getting ready to try IVF so we told her that we were doing it too. It turns out that they have been trying for eight years. EIGHT years. It didn't sound like they were really trying the whole time (she and her husband lived in separate countries for a year or two at one point), but that must have been a very long and difficult eight years. She tried IUI twice and also had laparoscopic surgery. Her diagnosis is unexplained infertility. They just started working with an RE in the US and expect him to recommend that they move to IVF now.
It didn't go like I imagined it would. I thought that it would be nice to have someone to talk who would understand what we're going through, but I'm not sure that she will be someone that I can really relate to about this. She's a wonderful person, incredibly kind, but we're very different. She's more like Seth - unfailingly optimistic whereas I'm more guarded and realistic. She seems very confident that IVF is going to give her all of the kids she wants, while I'm still terrified that I might not even get one.
She also said some things that bugged me. When I said that I was diagnosed with endometriosis, she told me that it was great! At least I have a diagnosis and most people with endometriosis have the problem fixed during surgery. While that may be the case for some people, it hasn't been true for me. It bothered me that she thought I should be happy that I have a disease that will cause me pain and problems for most of my life. I understand that it's frustrating to not know what the problem is, but it's also frustrating to know what the problem is and not know how to solve it. Surgery didn't work. IVF #1 didn't work.
Another thing that bothered me was when she said that I didn't need to go through treatment right now because you don't really need to worry until it's been two or three years. As if we were jumping the gun and overreacting. Umm, 12 months is the medical standard. Maybe we don't need to do IVF. We could decide to give up and not pursue treatments. But we don't want to. If we want a decent chance of having a child, we do need to do this now. I can't imagine what eight years of infertility feels like, but that doesn't mean that 20 months doesn't suck too. Again, I understand why she'd say this - she's 10 years older than me - but I couldn't help feeling like our pain was being minimized.
Gosh that was long. I just needed to get that out. Like I said, she's a wonderful person. I don't think we'll be IF buddies but I'm sure she's the type of person to add me to her prayer list and that means more than enough to me.
On the bright side, during our conversation she kept struggling to find the right words (she speaks Spanish) for all of the reproductive terminology and testing and Seth was able to translate everything. I was so proud. He might not have much to say, but it's nice to know that he's always listening to me <3
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase
BCP: 13 down, 7 to go
Days until baseline: 10
Then we went a little farther south to the next Key were my BIL now lives. The house was so cute. It's just a little cottage type place (that needs a bit of work) but the yard was awesome. It's big in the front and in the back and it's completely fenced in so Binks and Bear could stay outside all day. There's also a wide deck along 3 sides of the house and docks along the canal. It was nice to just sit on the water and watch the dogs chase the iguanas off the dock. Seth and I also brought our kayak down and took it out into the bay. We saw a nurse shark!
We also "came out" to some IRL friends for the first time too. We knew that they were having trouble because my BIL mentioned it to us, but I didn't feel like it was his information to share so we never talked to them about it. Yesterday, the wife told me us that she was getting ready to try IVF so we told her that we were doing it too. It turns out that they have been trying for eight years. EIGHT years. It didn't sound like they were really trying the whole time (she and her husband lived in separate countries for a year or two at one point), but that must have been a very long and difficult eight years. She tried IUI twice and also had laparoscopic surgery. Her diagnosis is unexplained infertility. They just started working with an RE in the US and expect him to recommend that they move to IVF now.
It didn't go like I imagined it would. I thought that it would be nice to have someone to talk who would understand what we're going through, but I'm not sure that she will be someone that I can really relate to about this. She's a wonderful person, incredibly kind, but we're very different. She's more like Seth - unfailingly optimistic whereas I'm more guarded and realistic. She seems very confident that IVF is going to give her all of the kids she wants, while I'm still terrified that I might not even get one.
She also said some things that bugged me. When I said that I was diagnosed with endometriosis, she told me that it was great! At least I have a diagnosis and most people with endometriosis have the problem fixed during surgery. While that may be the case for some people, it hasn't been true for me. It bothered me that she thought I should be happy that I have a disease that will cause me pain and problems for most of my life. I understand that it's frustrating to not know what the problem is, but it's also frustrating to know what the problem is and not know how to solve it. Surgery didn't work. IVF #1 didn't work.
Another thing that bothered me was when she said that I didn't need to go through treatment right now because you don't really need to worry until it's been two or three years. As if we were jumping the gun and overreacting. Umm, 12 months is the medical standard. Maybe we don't need to do IVF. We could decide to give up and not pursue treatments. But we don't want to. If we want a decent chance of having a child, we do need to do this now. I can't imagine what eight years of infertility feels like, but that doesn't mean that 20 months doesn't suck too. Again, I understand why she'd say this - she's 10 years older than me - but I couldn't help feeling like our pain was being minimized.
Gosh that was long. I just needed to get that out. Like I said, she's a wonderful person. I don't think we'll be IF buddies but I'm sure she's the type of person to add me to her prayer list and that means more than enough to me.
On the bright side, during our conversation she kept struggling to find the right words (she speaks Spanish) for all of the reproductive terminology and testing and Seth was able to translate everything. I was so proud. He might not have much to say, but it's nice to know that he's always listening to me <3
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase
BCP: 13 down, 7 to go
Days until baseline: 10
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
FU IF
Sooo...yesterday's wallowing spiraled completely out of control into a complete nervous breakdown.
I don't even know how or why it happened. I was perfectly fine all afternoon.
Around 7:00 PM, we went to take Binks and Bear for a walk. Halfway through the walk, I noticed a weird pain in my right calf and I kept bending down to squeeze it in case it was a muscle thing. It wouldn't go away and it would get sharper when I took a step. Finally, I pulled my pant leg up to see if anything was going on and it really looked pretty normal. It wasn't red or swollen. It sort of looked like I had a patch of spider veins just below my knee though.
Of course my brain goes straight to "Oh my God - I'm on BCPs, I have a blood clot". I know. It's not normal to think that way. I've never pretended to be normal.
Seth looked at it and told me to calm down. He told me to just breathe and relax, it's fine. Of course, that made me start hyperventilating. Being told to breathe is a sure way to make that impossible. I started getting dizzy and short of breath (funny how the symptoms of a blood clot - or whatever you're worried about - are exactly the same as the symptoms of an anxiety attack).
So we got home and Seth jumped on the computer to do the Dr. Google thing and I went to look at the drug information packet for my pills. There's a section on there titled "Death from Birth Control". I scanned through it and saw the odds of death (25 or 40 deaths out of 100,000 - why not me?) and the possible indicators of a blood clot (pain in the calf) and I started crying and asking Seth to please take me to the hospital. I'm absolutely terrified of blood clots. In my mind, you really don't stand a chance against them.
So we went. I was shaking like crazy and my blood pressure was wild. They put me back in one of the little rooms and stuck me with an IV needle to check my electrolytes.
Then I started to relax. I started thinking more clearly. I knew those feelings. Anxiety is nothing new to me. It's never been so bad that I let myself think that I needed to go to the ER. That part is a first for me. As I sat there and waited for them to do an ultrasound on my leg (which was all clear) I felt so stupid and so embarrassed. At that point, I was absolutely sure that nothing was wrong with me. Nothing physical anyway.
I just cried from the humiliation and from anger. I was so angry. If I wasn't infertile I wouldn't be on the stupid pills. I wouldn't be so overwhelmed by so much pressure. I hate IF and I hate what I'm letting it do to me. I'm so, so angry. Fuck you, IF.
I'm glad that I'm fine, but I'm not fine. Fine people don't go to the ER because of anxiety. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it though. I feel like there's no going back. The quickest way to get through this is to keep moving forward. It has to be.
I don't even know how or why it happened. I was perfectly fine all afternoon.
Around 7:00 PM, we went to take Binks and Bear for a walk. Halfway through the walk, I noticed a weird pain in my right calf and I kept bending down to squeeze it in case it was a muscle thing. It wouldn't go away and it would get sharper when I took a step. Finally, I pulled my pant leg up to see if anything was going on and it really looked pretty normal. It wasn't red or swollen. It sort of looked like I had a patch of spider veins just below my knee though.
Of course my brain goes straight to "Oh my God - I'm on BCPs, I have a blood clot". I know. It's not normal to think that way. I've never pretended to be normal.
Seth looked at it and told me to calm down. He told me to just breathe and relax, it's fine. Of course, that made me start hyperventilating. Being told to breathe is a sure way to make that impossible. I started getting dizzy and short of breath (funny how the symptoms of a blood clot - or whatever you're worried about - are exactly the same as the symptoms of an anxiety attack).
So we got home and Seth jumped on the computer to do the Dr. Google thing and I went to look at the drug information packet for my pills. There's a section on there titled "Death from Birth Control". I scanned through it and saw the odds of death (25 or 40 deaths out of 100,000 - why not me?) and the possible indicators of a blood clot (pain in the calf) and I started crying and asking Seth to please take me to the hospital. I'm absolutely terrified of blood clots. In my mind, you really don't stand a chance against them.
So we went. I was shaking like crazy and my blood pressure was wild. They put me back in one of the little rooms and stuck me with an IV needle to check my electrolytes.
Then I started to relax. I started thinking more clearly. I knew those feelings. Anxiety is nothing new to me. It's never been so bad that I let myself think that I needed to go to the ER. That part is a first for me. As I sat there and waited for them to do an ultrasound on my leg (which was all clear) I felt so stupid and so embarrassed. At that point, I was absolutely sure that nothing was wrong with me. Nothing physical anyway.
I just cried from the humiliation and from anger. I was so angry. If I wasn't infertile I wouldn't be on the stupid pills. I wouldn't be so overwhelmed by so much pressure. I hate IF and I hate what I'm letting it do to me. I'm so, so angry. Fuck you, IF.
I'm glad that I'm fine, but I'm not fine. Fine people don't go to the ER because of anxiety. I have no idea what I'm going to do about it though. I feel like there's no going back. The quickest way to get through this is to keep moving forward. It has to be.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Dark Days
Do you ever have days where you just want to wallow? Today is one of those days for me. I have all kinds of bad or negative feelings and instead of trying to cheer myself up, I just want to let myself feel it. I love music and sometimes it really helps me process my feelings. I found a new favorite song to listen to on my dark days - Dust Bowl Dance by Mumford and Sons.
It has absolutely nothing to do with infertility, but it reminds me of how I've felt at various times since starting IVF. The feelings are the same. Anger. Sadness. Bitterness. Regret.
I feel all of those things. I don't like that I feel them, but I do. I'm human. I'm alive. I can't imagine that anyone who's experienced this or watched someone they love experience this wouldn't feel them at some point.
It scares me to feel this way. I feel guilty too because I know that it could be worse - it can always be worse. But on the other hand, it really helps to acknowledge that I feel this way sometimes. Better out than in right? Having a bad day makes me more determined to have a better day tomorrow.
And I have no idea where else my heart could have been
I placed all my trust at the foot of this hill
And now I am sure my heart can never be still
So collect your courage and collect your horse
And pray you never feel this same kind of remorse
Seal my heart and break my pride
I've nowhere to stand and now nowhere to hide
Align my heart, my body, my mind
It has absolutely nothing to do with infertility, but it reminds me of how I've felt at various times since starting IVF. The feelings are the same. Anger. Sadness. Bitterness. Regret.
I feel all of those things. I don't like that I feel them, but I do. I'm human. I'm alive. I can't imagine that anyone who's experienced this or watched someone they love experience this wouldn't feel them at some point.
It scares me to feel this way. I feel guilty too because I know that it could be worse - it can always be worse. But on the other hand, it really helps to acknowledge that I feel this way sometimes. Better out than in right? Having a bad day makes me more determined to have a better day tomorrow.
IVF #2 Progress Report
Status: Suppression Phase
BCPs: 8 down, 12 to go
Days until baseline: 15
Side Effects: 
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