Tuesday, February 18, 2014

IVF #1 = BFN

Yesterday was beta day. Nurse Jacki called around 4 PM to tell me that it was negative. It wasn't a surprise - the HPTs were negative at 8dp5dt and again at 10dp5dt. I knew it was over before I walked into the office yesterday morning, but it still hurt. Well, hurt doesn't really cover it.

I'm heartbroken. I'm sad for the little embaby that didn't make it. Maybe it had my eyes and Seth's smile. We'll never get to find out.

I'm scared. Terrified. I always sort of thought that IVF would be the last resort for us. Even though I knew going into it that the odds were not in our favor, I hoped that it would work. But it didn't and now I don't know what to do. Before you move on to IVF, you keep it in the back of your mind - if all else fails, we can try IVF. Well what happens when IVF fails? Even if we had endless amounts of money, how many cycles do you try before you accept that it's not going to happen? I know that I'm not ready to give up now, not even close, but I'm so afraid of all of the choices that we'll have to make again. I'm afraid that moving forward means we're just one step closer to the point of giving up.

I feel so helpless. I feel like everything is out of my control. Did I do anything wrong? Could I have done something differently? What can I do better next time? Is there something wrong with me? When will body go back to "normal"? And then there's the rest of our lives - when will Seth graduate? Will he get a job? Where will we be in six months? Can we afford another cycle? Where should we do it? When? I have no idea how to answer any of these questions.

I've been telling everyone that I'm fine. Partly because I think that's what they want to hear and partly because that's what I want to believe. I know that I will be fine, but I'm not fine now. I don't know what to do. Do I just pretend the last six weeks never happened? How do I forget the hope that I felt? How do I get over the fear and disappointment so that I can be hopeful enough to move forward?

For now, I'm just going to try focusing on what I've said all along. Someday we will have a baby. I don't know how or when it will happen, but it will. And when I have that baby in my arms I will be so grateful for the path and all of the choices and all of the disappointments that brought us to that baby.


8 comments:

  1. I <3 you. I'm thinking of you and am so sorry Ana.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so so sorry Ana. I completely understand how you feel; I have those thoughts all of the time. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. You are so strong and you are absolutely right to keep focused; you will have a baby. Lots of love, and big hugs for you. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh Ana, I am so sorry. I wish there were some words that I could say to make any of this any better for you. I am so sad and so angry for you. You don't have to be fine right now, you don't have to have any of the answers to those very difficult questions right now, all you need to do is allow yourself to feel what you feel and know that you are loved and you are not alone. Sending lots of love your way <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. This stinks! I'm so sorry it didn't work! It's so hard to see it now but when you do have your baby you will appreciate him or her that much more because everything you did on order to have him or her. Your day will come! {{{{hugs}}}}

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to help how you are feeling, but I know there is not. Know that I am thinking of you and sending you big, squishy, internet ((hugs)). <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so sorry Ana :-( I know there is nothing anyone can say other than we are here for you. Big hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Survival mode. You do whatever it is you have to do right now to get through this. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There is nothing worse... I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You asked, "What do I do now?" And the answer is: take care of yourself. Right now, it's ok to be broken up in a million little pieces, and eventually you'll glue yourself back together. But you don't have to be 'fine' ...what you just went through is very traumatic & it's ok to feel all of your feelings. (((((hugs)))))

    ReplyDelete