Yesterday was beta day. Nurse Jacki called around 4 PM to tell me that it was negative. It wasn't a surprise - the HPTs were negative at 8dp5dt and again at 10dp5dt. I knew it was over before I walked into the office yesterday morning, but it still hurt. Well, hurt doesn't really cover it.
I'm heartbroken. I'm sad for the little embaby that didn't make it. Maybe it had my eyes and Seth's smile. We'll never get to find out.
I'm scared. Terrified. I always sort of thought that IVF would be the last resort for us. Even though I knew going into it that the odds were not in our favor, I hoped that it would work. But it didn't and now I don't know what to do. Before you move on to IVF, you keep it in the back of your mind - if all else fails, we can try IVF. Well what happens when IVF fails? Even if we had endless amounts of money, how many cycles do you try before you accept that it's not going to happen? I know that I'm not ready to give up now, not even close, but I'm so afraid of all of the choices that we'll have to make again. I'm afraid that moving forward means we're just one step closer to the point of giving up.
I feel so helpless. I feel like everything is out of my control. Did I do anything wrong? Could I have done something differently? What can I do better next time? Is there something wrong with me? When will body go back to "normal"? And then there's the rest of our lives - when will Seth graduate? Will he get a job? Where will we be in six months? Can we afford another cycle? Where should we do it? When? I have no idea how to answer any of these questions.
I've been telling everyone that I'm fine. Partly because I think that's what they want to hear and partly because that's what I want to believe. I know that I will be fine, but I'm not fine now. I don't know what to do. Do I just pretend the last six weeks never happened? How do I forget the hope that I felt? How do I get over the fear and disappointment so that I can be hopeful enough to move forward?
For now, I'm just going to try focusing on what I've said all along. Someday we will have a baby. I don't know how or when it will happen, but it will. And when I have that baby in my arms I will be so grateful for the path and all of the choices and all of the disappointments that brought us to that baby.