Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Bring It

Today is CD6 and I started temping again this morning. I really don't want to. It feels really depressing to start that up again. I've suspected that it was pointless for a long time and I believe that even more now. I'm also going to get out the OPKs in a few days. I doubt that even the most perfect timing would make me feel hopeful, but I know that cycles can go crazy after an IVF cycle and I think the temping and OPKs will help me avoid that. As a bonus, I lost my good thermometer so I'm using and older, shittier one that takes about ten minutes to register a temperature.

I'm still having good days and bad. The weekend was great because my parents came to visit us. It was so nice to see them and spend time with them and I didn't cry at all. Yesterday when they left, the crying and overwhelming sadness came back. It was a mixture of being sad to have them leave and also just feeling like - well this is it, it's really over and now we just have to get on with our lives.

We've been really worried about the getting on with our lives bit because we have no idea where our lives are going right now. We don't know when Seth will graduate or when/if/where he will get a job. That makes it really hard to plan for the future. We didn't think we could afford to do another IVF cycle until we had more information. We have the money in savings to pay for a cycle or two OOP, but if we did that we wouldn't really have a decent cushion in case Seth didn't get a job right after graduation. That's scary and I think it would be irresponsible to blow through our savings without the income to back it up.

Luckily, we have the most amazing parents and they have all offered to help us out financially if we decide to cycle again. With their help, we will probably be able to cycle again in April or May. Of course, that depends on whether or not my body goes crazy, on what Dr. M has to say at our WTF (What the Fuck, or if you're more polite than me - Why the Fail?) appointment, and also on whether or not we want to miss a lot of family events because of treatment. My niece's first birthday is in May and two cousins are getting married right after that. I know my niece will have no idea if I'm there or not and my cousins won't really care either (we're not close), but I don't know if I want to miss out on spending time with my family for something that might not even work. If IVF was a guarantee, there would be no question. But I'm wondering if it will feel even worse to have a second failed cycle knowing that I missed out on a bunch of chances to be happy and have fun.

I guess there's no point in worrying about it until we see what happens to me and hear what the doctor has to say. It's hard to just pick up the pieces and try again when you feel so sure that the pieces were broken from the very beginning. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't daydreamed about a break cycle BFP. Who knows? Maybe it is possible. Maybe pretending that it could happen will make it easier to keep trying.

I originally titled this post "Just Keep Swimming", but when I searched for a cute little picture I found ^that guy instead. That's more "me" and I already feel better (apparently I'm still suffering from sudden mood swings). Failed cycles suck. Temping sucks. Paying OOP fucking sucks. But I will get through this shit.


  1. Yes you will.

    I'm sorry everything's in such a state of flux right now. I know that planning for the next thing we were doing - the next cycle, the next meds to start - was what I made myself focus on with each BFN so I'm sure it's really hard not to have a plan in place and have to weigh what you may WANT to do with the best choice financially. I'm so sorry. Hang in there lovey. Sending you big hugs and strength while you and Seth decide (and wait). I'm keeping my FX that one of those crazy break cycle BFPs has your name on it!! <3

    Oh, and I always think of it as the What the Fuck appt too :-)

  2. I'm so sorry Ana. I'm thinking of you a lot and you know I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you that you have a cycle break BFP. <3

  3. I will be praying for a break cycle BFP for you! As Chickin said, I can't imagine how difficult it is to not have a plan underway, that's what helps me get through the failed cycles. I am wishing you and Seth all the best in whatever you decide to do, and when. My MIL has hinted at helping us out financially if we get that far down the road, it's amazing to feel that kind of love and support, and being OOP, it could be the difference that allows us to cycle again. Here's to hoping neither of us will need to take them up on their generous offers! Sending lots of love and hugs your way. <3

    1. Thanks J <3 I'm glad that you have such awesome support too, but I hope that you won't need it!

  4. I love you. I don't even have the words to express what I am feeling for you, but know that more than anything else, I have overwhelming love for you. In the most non-weird way. :-)

  5. The grieving process for a failed IVF is so hard, and a lot of times it doesn't make sense. Be kind to yourself as you work through it (((((hugs)))))

  6. *Hugs* I'm so sorry you're going through this. I sincerely hope that you end up with one of those rare break cycle BFPs. Wishing you and Seth the best, whatever you decide to do going forward.