Monday, January 20, 2014

A Hopeful Heart

On Saturday night I took my last BCP. Now I'm only taking the Lupron and waiting to see if I get a period. My baseline appointment is on Wednesday morning. Hopefully I'll start the stimulation phase of my first IVF cycle by the end of the week.

I'm nervous about what the fertility drugs will do to my body and about what the injection process will do to my anxiety levels.

I'm scared that I won't respond well to the medication; I'm scared that I'll respond too well and end up with OHSS.

I'm terrified that they won't retrieve very many mature eggs and we find out that I have poor egg quality or diminished ovarian reserves.

I'm afraid that the eggs won't fertilize without ICSI; I'm afraid that ICSI will result in poor or damaged embryos.

I'm afraid that we won't make it to embryo transfer; I'm afraid of how I'll feel if we do and it still doesn't work.

I'm afraid that we'll have nothing to freeze; I'm worried that we'll have "too many".

I'm terrified of going through all of this and getting nothing but more pain and heartbreak. Empty hearts, empty womb, and empty pockets.

I'm really effing scared.

That said, I also know that worrying about all of this isn't going to change the outcome. Stressing about all of the things that could go wrong isn't going to make them less likely to happen. The internet tells me that I have a 35% chance of success. The odds are not in our favor, but being realistic about the possibilities isn't going to make it hurt any less if this fails. I can go through the next 3-4 weeks resigned to the fact that this might be a whole lot of pain for a whole lot of nothing.

Or I can go through it will my head held high and hope in my heart. This might not be the best situation, but it's the best that we can do right now. It might not be the best shot, but it's our best shot. And a 35% shot is a whole lot better then the 2-4% chance that we have on a regular cycle. Maybe it won't work, but maybe it will.

TB IF Feb '14 IVF badge.
So I'm going to be hopeful. It's pretty much the only thing that I'll have control over in all of this.

IVF #1 Progress Report
Status: Suppression phase, waiting for period
BCPs: 20/20 - Done!
Lupron: Day 10 (10 units)
Days until baseline: 2


  1. I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts out to the universe! It IS scary - so many unknowns, so many things that could go wrong...but you're right that you only have control over a couple of them so it's good to focus on those. My mantra through IVF was "one step at a time". If I only focused on the very next thing I had to do/next decision I had to make, it seemed much more manageable. Hang in there; in spite of all the fear and unknowns the time will pass, you will keep moving forward and before you know it you'll be looking back on it, proud of yourself and surprised it's over. In the meantime I,and a lot if other dreamers, are rooting for you!!! <3

    1. Thanks Chickin <3 I've been focusing on "one step at a time" and it really does help!

  2. Hugs to you Ana. I have those same exact thoughts all of the time. Jumping from a natural cycle to IVF is really hard on the mind, heart, and pockets. I've got my fingers crossed for you that you will have a successful and easy IVF cycle and you won't have to go for a second round. You're in my thoughts. <3

    1. Thanks TeeJ! That's so nice of you to say. I hope that your recovery is going well and that you get some answers and a plan that helps you feel comfortable soon!