Saturday, June 8, 2013

Not Alone

My relationships with my parents and my sisters could not be better. I am so lucky to have them. They are my best friends and my biggest supporters. I don't know what I would do without them. Don't get me wrong - Seth is awesome too, but I think the feelings that come along with TTC are a little different for men and women. Seth was never going to be a mother. He's a man. It's sometimes easier for my mom and sisters to get where I'm coming from.

No one in my family has ever dealt with infertility (as far as I know). I think that has made it difficult for my mom and my sisters to relate to what I'm going through. Sometimes I think they don't know what the right thing is to say. Sometimes there isn't a "right" thing to say. That's hard on them and it's hard on me too. I'm often afraid that my family thinks that I'm being dramatic or overreacting and that makes me feel really, really lonely.

Last week when my sister asked me to be my niece's godmother, I was so happy that I cried. I love my nieces so much it's ridiculous. Nothing could ever change that. Whether I end up have ten kids of my own or zero, I already love them as much as I possibily can.

After we spoke, I started to worry that my sister only asked me to be the godmother because she felt sorry for me. I mentioned this to my mom. My mom told me that it wasn't true at all. She said that my sister actually called her a few weeks ago and told her the she really wanted to ask me but wasn't sure if it would be wrong because of what I'm "going through".

It was so nice to hear that my sister actually does care and worry about me and acknowledges that this is difficult. It's not that I really thought she didn't. I know that she loves me. It's just, like I said, a lonely place to be in and you start to think that no one understands. Maybe my sister hasn't experienced this, but I know she wishes this wasn't happening to me. It's also nice to know that my sister thinks I will make a good mother, even if it's just a godmother.

Today sucks. My temperature has dropped way down so I know that this cycle didn't work out. 12 unsuccessful cycles.  It's getting really hard to handle. At least I know that I don't have to go through it alone.

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