How It Feels

I'm tired of people telling me not to worry. I know they mean well, but it's kind of annoying because I'm NOT worried. Not yet, anyway. There is no reason for me to believe that I won't be able to have a biological baby of my own somehow, someday. Sure, statistically it should have happened by now. And yes, statistically, it may take us awhile longer and chances are good that we will need assistance. But I'm not worried. "Worry" is not the feeling that is with me all day, every day.

This past week has been by far the worse I have experienced since we began TTC. I just started my 13th cycle. Still not to the one-year mark, but having 12 failed cycles hurts. Seth and I have also been doing a lot of research and talking since getting the results of my ultrasound and HSG. We are almost 100% sure that we will not pursue any treatments, IUI or surgery, in the immediate future. I just quit my job and we're not sure when and/or if Seth will be starting a job (assuming he graduates in December, which is also uncertain). We're just not ready to make such a huge financial commitment and I don't think we're emotionally and mentally prepared for the very real possibility that the treatments would be unsuccessful.

After I told this to my mom, she again told me not to worry. I know she says this because she is worried about me. Not worried that I can't or won't have children, just worried because she hates to see me upset. As I tried to explain to her that I wasn't worried, I realized I couldn't explain what I WAS feeling. Sadnesss? Definitely. Disappointment? Absolutely. Frustrated. Angry. Lonely. Confused. All of these things. But those feelings are easy for me to identify and none of those accurately describes the feeling that has been haunting me lately.

A few days ago, as I sat in the kitchen enjoying a glass of wine it finally hit me. I realized that I have felt this emotion before. It is the same feeling that I get at the end of a vacation. It's like an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Huh? But we're not at the end of the TTC process, we're just getting started. Why would would infertility feel the same as finishing a vacation? I had to think about it for awhile before it hit me.

Longing. Longing is what I'm feeling at the end of a vacation, not sadness or disappointment. When a vacation is over, I long to always be in that carefree state of mind that you have when you're on vacation. I long to spend more time with my family. I long for the past and wonder when will I feel that way again, when will I see my loved ones again.

Longing is what I'm feeling now in a ridiculously overwhelming way. Now, I'm longing to be a mother. I long to be pregnant and to hold my own baby in my arms. I long to see my husband's eyes or smile in someone else's little face. It's an ache that is with me from the minute I get up in the morning to minute I fall asleep. It doesn't interfere with my life. I still feel happy. There are still so many, many things that bring me joy. But it's always there as a pit in my stomach or a lump in my throat waiting to pull me under.

I knew this was a feeling that my mom could relate to even though she's never dealt with infertility. When I explained it to her, she cried for the first time (that I know of) since I told her what I've been going through. It hurts me to see her upset, but it does feel good to be understood.  Having people who love me and understand me is what's going to get me through this and I'm so, so grateful for that.