Monday, July 8, 2013

Rough Weekend

This weekend kind of sucked. It started Friday when I found out that surgery in August might not be possible for me. Saturday morning was when my period finally started. That afternoon, right in the middle of my family's big party, someone told me that they were pregnant after their first try. Don't get me wrong - I was and am very, very happy for her but it was a bad day for me. I was already in a bad place. It was hard for me to show the happiness that I was feeling for her when the anger and sadness I was feeling for myself were already choking me. When I hear about pregnancy, whether it's from a person in real life or someone on TV, it just reminds me of everything I should be able to do but can't. I know that it's no one else's fault that they can get pregnant easily and I can not. I have not felt any anger or resentment towards anyone other than myself.

That quote does a really good job of describing how I feel a lot of the time. It's how I felt in the middle of that party on Saturday. Everyone around me was super happy and having an awesome time. I felt like I was sitting there screaming and no one could hear me.

I feel much better now though. After talking to Seth and my mom, we decided that we would start telling people what was going on when they asked about our plans to have a baby. Everyone is different, but for me keeping the secret has been one of the most difficult parts. I hate feeling like I have something to hide or feeling like I always need to smile even if I'm having a crap day. 

One of my cousins knows what's been going on and she gave me a prayer card and a bracelet with little saint charms on it. I don't know the full story behind them, but I know that she lost her mother and I know that she had a miscarriage. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult those experiences must have been for her or how much pain she still feels because of it. That she passed on some of the things that gave her strength during those times means so, so much to me. If there has been a bright side to any of this, it has been the realization that our family and friends are so unbelievably kind and supportive. It feels so good to know that we have so many people on our side.

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