I got it!

I got the teaching job!!!

                                           

I went in for my "interview" this morning. It wasn't really an interview. The woman just made sure that I had the proper degree and some prior teaching experience and then she told me that I could choose the classes that I wanted. They have a limit on the number of hours you can teach, so I couldn't pick everything. I did get to choose a lecture though! I'm really excited about that because it will be my first time teaching a full lecture course on my own. I'll be teaching one Earth Science lecture and two labs.

Ahh I'm so excited! I hope I like this. Seth and I would love it if I could work part-time after we have kids and something like this could be a great fit for me/us. Hopefully this will give me the experience I need to  find similar jobs in the future.

Time Out

So today was actually CD1. Usually my period starts within a few hours of the spotting, but this time I had 2 or 3 days of just spotting first. It happened last cycle as well so maybe that's my new thing. Anyway - today I called the nurse, Justine, to let her know what was going on and she said that the hospital would call me to schedule my blood work. I really hope Justine will be there on the day of the surgery because she's awesome.

My surgery will be on August 8th, which will be CD10. Even though I have ovulated on CD10 and two out of my last three ovulation days have been CD11, Justine said I don't need to go on birth control pills.  We'll just use other precautions before surgery. I guess I'm relieved about that. I don't want to mess up my cycles anymore than I need to. Let's just do the surgery and try to get back on track as soon as possible.

Since we're going to miss my FW anyway, I decided not to chart this cycle. What's the point? This will then first time in 33 cycles that I won't be charting. It's the first month in 15 cycles that we won't be TTC. What am I going to do with all of this freedom?!?!?

No early alarm on the weekends!!! Or on any of my days off!

I can pee whenever I want!!! I don't need to try to hold it for three plus hours.

I can have more than one drink (but never four or more in one sitting) without worrying if it's going to fuck up my temperature!

I can take the good pain relievers (like Aleve or Motrin) whenever I want!

Sure, I bummed about the surgery and I'm bummed that we're missing a cycle but I'm going to make the best of it. Starting with this guy:

There's nothing better than wheat beer in the summer (spring, winter, or fall).,

Game Over

Well, my temperature dropped yesterday and spotting started. It's getting worse so today will probably turn into CD1. As soon as I know, I'm supposed to call the doctor's office to schedule my pre-surgery blood work. So that's that.

Later this week, we'll hit the official one-year anniversary of when we first started TTC. I still can't believe this is really happening.

For some good news- my mom sent me a message yesterday to say that she and my dad are coming to visit us next week. They'll get here the day before my surgery and they'll stay with us for a few days after that. I wish they wouldn't worry so much, but I appreciate that they want to be here for me. My parents rule. I'm so lucky to have them. It's nice that I have that to look forward to at least.

11 dpo - BFN

I took a test yesterday morning and again this morning and they were both negative. Usually, I don't like to test more than once or twice a cycle. Once I see a BFN, I prefer to tell myself it's over and just wait for my period to show up. Taking a test gets my hopes up too much. This month, I decided I'm going to keep testing until my temperature starts to drop. Since I'm headed for surgery next cycle, I think I'd rather see my failure in black and white (well, just plain white really) than hold onto a tiny shred of false hope while I wait for my period.

Another bonus of testing every day - I'm going to enjoy a nice cold Shock Top with worry or guilt tonight.

W.W. of H.P. Part 2

Fuck Travel Tuesdays. I can talk about traveling whenever I want!

So, two weekends ago we went to Universal Studios in Orlando to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. We were celebrating our second anniversary, but we also just kind of needed a break. Since you can't go on rides when you're pregnant, going to Harry Potter world seemed like a great way to make the best of our situation.

Since it's supposed to be really crowded at the parks in July, I insisted that we needed to have tickets that gave us early entrance to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. That part of the park opens at 7 A.M. and lucky for us, the hotel we were staying at was first on the shuttle route so we were picked up at 6 in the morning. Not the best way to start a vacation, but it ended up being totally worth it. We didn't wait in any lines all morning! We got to go on all of the rides and see all of the shows all before the heat and crowds got ridiculous. We even beat the late afternoon Florida rain.

When we got there, we went straight to the Harry Potter section.

AHH! Hogwarts! The castle was really cool. You go through the entrance, walk through the greenhouses, and then head into the main part of the castle. This is where you're waiting in line to get on the Forbidden Journey ride. The line takes you through Dumbledore's office, a classroom, and the Gryffindor common room. It's pretty cool. In one room Ron makes it snow (foam) and you get to see the Fat Lady and the Sorting Hat. The ride itself was pretty cool too.

After that we went to see the show at Ollivander's wand shop. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but this was pretty lame unless you have a kid AND your kid gets chosen to pick a wand. I wouldn't bother going to see that again. We also went on the Flight of the Hippogriff ride (a nice little kiddie coaster) and the Dragon Challenge roller coaster, which was fun but much more wild than I expected! Then we just spent some time walking around Hogsmeade looking at all of the shops and decorations.

Seth in Hogsmeade

Getting ready to board the Hogwarts Express (left) 

and outside of Hagrid's hut (right).

Seth ordering some Butterbeer at The Hog's Head pub. That place was

really cool. They had a really nice courtyard with a view of the castle.

Butterbeer

The frozen butterbeer was really good! I thought I wouldn't like it because I expected it to taste like butterscotch or cream soda, but it wasn't like that at all. I don't know what to compare it too - maybe like a caramel milkshake. I thought about getting the 'Butterbeer' mug but instead I bought a sweet glass Hogwarts beer mug.

I'm so glad that we got a chance to go. We're planning to leave Florida soon (hopefully within the next six months) so pregnant or not, we were running out of time to make this a quick and inexpensive trip. I would definitely love to go back someday. If you are a Harry Potter fan, you NEED to go!

And the winner is...

Hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. Surgery.

Well, we finally made our decision. I'm going to have the surgery in about two weeks.

Our appointment with Dr. M was great. First, he went over the results of Seth's second semen analysis. They were great! This is obviously good news from one point of view. I'm glad that Seth is healthy. However, it's not really good news for me. Dr. M said that because Seth is fine, it is looking much more likely that I do have endometriosis (or some other problem that we haven't discovered yet).

It also means that medicated IUI no longer looks like a decent option for us, right now. Without treatment, my chances of getting pregnant are only 2-10% each month. On a medicated IUI cycle, those odds don't really increase by too much (for someone with endo) and you're still below the 20-25% chance that a typical healthy couple has each cycle. It just seems like a huge gamble to spend ~$1500 per cycle on something that probably won't work for us. I don't think I could handle the disappointment and feeling like we totally wasted our money if it didn't work.

Dr. M said that our best choices were surgery and IVF. There's no reason for us to believe that we need IVF, he just mentioned that some people want to avoid surgery at all costs and IVF will pretty much get around any problems that you might have. Unfortunately, we can't afford to be those people.

Surgery sounds like a good choice for me. Or it sounds better than nothing, at least. I don't think, and Dr. M agreed, that it would be a good idea to put the surgery off either in hopes that we beat the odds or until we can afford IVF. If there's an 80% chance (what Dr. M said) that I have endometriosis, I don't want to ignore it and let it keep growing and spreading. The good news is that Dr. M was able to rearrange his schedule so he will be able to perform the surgery! I'm really glad about that part. He seems really great and I feel comfortable with him.

I feel relieved and sad at the same time. I'm relieved that Seth is fine and I'm relieved that we finally made a decision. I'm just sad that surgery is the best decision for us. I wish it didn't get to this point.

So Super Pumped!!!

Oh my gosh! A few weeks ago, I sent an application to the local community college because there was an opening for an Adjunct Faculty position to teach Earth Science. I didn't really expect anything to happen. My "teaching" experience is mostly limited to teaching college labs. I've only filled in to do a lecture a few times. But....I just got a call from them!

YAAAYYYY!!!!

Since I've been in school forever, this will be my first real interview. I think. It kind of didn't sound like there was actually going to be an interview. The woman who called just said that the associate dean "chose" me and they wanted to know which classes I wanted to teach. Umm, all of them please? I'm supposed to fill out a packet and bring my driver's license and SS card to a meeting with the interim dean next week. It seems like I have a really good chance of getting the job (or a job, there are several classes available) unless I do something really stupid to fuck it up (which is entirely possible).

Man, I needed this. Even if I don't get the job it feels good that someone thought I might be good enough. It will feel even more awesome if I actually get the job. Dropping out of school to become a college teacher sounds way cooler than just dropping out of school.

Fingers crossed for me I guess!

6 dpo

This is when time starts to move super slow. This is when I start to get a little bit antsy. I'm about halfway through the 2WW, depending on how long my LP lasts this cycle. Implantation typically happens at 7 dpo or later, so after this point I start wishing and hoping that I'll see something or feel something different. I can't wait for the day when something is finally different.

For now, it's just business as usual. Same old pelvic ache. Same old sore boobs. Part of me is so tempted to just stop temping since I'm positive that I ovulated, but I don't think I can do it. I need to know. I'll probably cave and start testing on Friday unless my chart looks like complete shit. If it looks like this cycle is another bust, I'm probably going to want to have a beer this weekend. Or I could make mojitos again! Those were so delicious.

One nice thing is that our appointment with Dr. M is this Wednesday, so it will break up the wait a little bit. At least if it doesn't work out this time, I won't feel so hopeless on CD1. Hopefully.

Keeping Busy

A few month after we started TTC, I decided that I needed a hobby to help keep me occupied so that I didn't spend all of my time thinking about babies. Whenever someone is stressing about the 2WW, people always make the suggestion to find a hobby. So that's what I did. I decided that it would be fun to learn how to crochet. I thought it would be a good hobby for me because 1) it's cheap, 2) I could teach myself how to do it and 3) I could make things for my dogs! It was a good choice for me. I think it really helps with my general anxiety because it's pretty mindless, but you still feel like you're getting something accomplished.

For my first project, I made holiday scarves for Binky and Bear. They were pretty cute and we used this picture for our Christmas card (don't worry - I only sent it to my parents, niece, and godson).

Then I made a scarf for my godson, Brian. Then another for my dad. And one for my mom. Then I thought - hey, it might be time to try a new project. All of my scarves were done using the afghan stitch because that's all I'd been able to figure out (thanks to my "Learn to Crocket" book and my friend E). Luckily, I found a video online and finally figured out how to complete more than one row of the single crochet (thanks people of YouTube)!

My first non-scarf project is still pretty basic. I'm just making small blanket made up of a bunch of single-crochet rectangles that I'll stitch together at the end. Here is the "official" pattern.

It took me an unreasonable amount of time to come up with that. I chose Hogwarts colors for obvious reasons. The colors in the pattern aren't accurate. This is what the yarn looks like:

I had a little bit of trouble keeping the gauge consistent at the beginning, so the first one or two squares were a bust but I'm getting better at it. Out of 49 squares, I think I have maybe five decent, usable ones. I may have started this project in February or March, but progress is progress, right?

I'm not going to lie - I'm (not so) secretly hoping that I'll get to use this blanket to decorate a baby's room. And let's face the facts, statistically I'm probably more likely to get pregnant than to finish this blanket within the next year so I probably won't be disappointed. If not, I'm sure that Binky and Bear would love to have it!

So Magical

This post is going to be a bit of a bitchfest.

I'm really, really, really getting tired of people who act like I should just stop worrying and be happy that our doctor wants us to pursue fertility treatments. Have I mentioned how difficult of a time I am having making a decision about it (yes, yes that's sarcasm)? But some people - family, friends, internet strangers - seem to think that I should be excited or feel privileged that we're having testing done and may start seeking treatment. They act like using fertility treatments is taking the easy way out. As if the use of fertility drugs and treatments is this magical solution. Testing, drugs, baby. YAY!!!

Sure, some people have great success with surgery, medication, and/or assisted reproductive technologies. Of course they do. And I pray every day that we will be one of those very lucky couples that have success in a relatively short amount of time (well actually, right now I'm mostly praying that we have success this cycle). But the reality is that these treatments don't work for everyone right away. It takes a lot of time and a lot of money and a ridiculous amount of mental and emotional suffering and strength to reach their goal of conceiving a child.

When people act like fertility treatments are no big deal and that they erase all of the worry, it really pisses me off. Just deciding whether or not we want to do anything has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever tried to make. One doctor says "try this", another doctor say "try that", the internet says "you're fucked". It's scary and confusing and it's not something that a sane person would ever take lightly. I can't even imagine how I will feel if we decide that we need/want to seek help next month (or ever). To imply that undergoing fertility treatments is taking the easy way out really minimizes the mental, emotional, physical, and financial strain that people who use them have to endure.

Okay, bitchfest over.

On a happy note, I got my CH's this morning! Woohoo! Maybe this month will be different :)

Well, this is it.

Our last chance to get pregnant before we start fertility treatments. Our last 2WW before the one-year mark.

I'm 100% convinced that I ovulated yesterday. This morning I woke up to a nice, clear temperature shift and my OPK was stark white. It's certainly not the first time I ovulated this early, but I had been going through a phase where my average O day was more like CD13 or even 14. Plus, I usually have two days of positive OPKs. Even Fertility Friend didn't see this coming. The cycle of my HSG was the same, but I thought maybe the test messed with my cycle or something. I guess not.

Oh well. It's out of our hands now. I wish our timing had been a little bit better, but I know that it only takes one time. Given our particular set of issues, our timing might actually be for the best. I feel hopeful, for now. The start of the 2WW always feels good for me. Time to sit back and try to relax!

Hold It!

I hate OPKs, I really do. I have to pee all the time even when I'm not drinking a ton of water. It's really, really hard for me to make sure I drink enough water AND try to hold my pee long enough to get an accurate result with the OPK.

Most of the time, I don't seem to have a problem testing early in the morning after I've only had my coffee. Sometimes, though, I'm not so lucky. Like this morning. Yesterday, I got a positive on a digital test. This morning, which is only CD11, I fully expected a blaring positive but the wondfo I used was definitely negative. Now I'm just trying to hold it as long as I can so I don't waste a digital on crappy pee. I will be so annoyed if they really are negative and CD11 is ovulation day. Our timing would suck :(

On the other hand, I can't wait to be back in the 2ww. I feel like I've been putting too much pressure on myself again this cycle and I'm ready for a break.

And the whole "cutting back on alcohol" thing? Fuck that. I need a glass of wine. Is it too early for that now?

2nd Anniversary

Well, we're back from Orlando. We had an AWESOME time! It was so nice to take a break together and Harry Potter world was everything that I hoped it would be. I'm going to post a review and some pictures later on, but today is our second wedding anniversary so I'm going to AW some wedding pictures instead!

Seth and I got married in Guatemala, which is where he grew up and where most of his family and friends still live. Luckily he came to the U.S. for college, which is how we ended up meeting (long story). We are so lucky to have such wonderful families and friends, because many people were able to travel to be at our wedding. It was and probably always will be one of the happiest days of my life.

That's me and my sister Boo at the top. She was my maid of
honor. Behind me in the bottom picture are my three sisters. We
love this photo because Boo looks like a badass and my
older sister is making a "threatening fist motion".

My family and I were staying at a hotel across town from where the wedding ceremony and reception were going to take place. Seth and I wanted to do a "first look" so a few hours before the ceremony, I hopped in a 14 passenger van and headed over to the other hotel. No limo or party bus for me!

The main reason that Seth and I decided to have our pictures taken before the ceremony was because we wanted to spend as much of our wedding day together as possible. I have zero regrets about the way we did it. I remember being so anxious just to see him and as soon as we were together I felt so relieved. My mom asked me if Seth gave me drugs because I'm usually a pretty anxious person.

  

 

That picture is awesome because you can see the ruins. The hotel that we were married at was a monastery built in the 14th or 15th century. It was mostly destroyed by earthquakes, I think in the 1700s, and then later they preserved what they could and turned the rest of the grounds into a hotel. It's an amazing place.

  

Here's a picture of the church. The altar was preserved, but most of the other walls and the ceiling collapsed from the earthquakes so it's pretty much an outdoor church now. Another really amazing place. All of the paintings and the statues behind the altar are really beautiful.

This is another favorite photo. It cracks us up every time we look at it. We're not really sure why everyone looks so horrified - check out my Gram and some of my uncles in the background. It could have been when the priest's cell phone rang or maybe when the microphone started making a weird sound.

No idea what we were laughing at here.

Success!

I made and supplied a lot of the decorations for the ceremony and reception myself (with some help from Seth). It was so much fun for me. Our cake topper was one of my favorite things - two little wooden dolls painted to look like us. The table numbers turned out great too. I did also did all of the paper stuff - programs, menus, favor tags - and I had to do everything in English and Spanish!

 

I think it all turned out awesome and the reception room was stunning. It's another partially destroyed room so some of the walls are still built from the original stone. They light candles everywhere and it was just perfect.

After being engaged for 18 months and planning for about 12 months, we finally partied! 

I love that picture. The confetti was a fun surprise for everyone, including me, and I love that you can see how much fun all of my cousins are having. It was a really awesome day. Funny story - the jumbotron that came with the DJ was also a surprise to me. It was a super surprise when Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" started playing complete with Titanic music video. That wasn't on our playlist. Even though Seth speaks Spanish fluently, I don't think he speaks wedding in any language so a few things got lost in translation. We made the best of it though - ever seen the video for Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up"? We really know how to party.

Travel Tuesday: W.W. of H.P. Part 1

Traveling is one of my favorite hobbies and I love talking about it and planning trips, but I totally lose track of time in the summer so I really failed with the whole Travel Tuesday thing. But now I'm working again so I know that today is Tuesday. It is, right?  So let's talk about my next trip!

Hogwarts

Over the weekend, we booked our hotel and bought our tickets to go visit the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. I'm so super pumped! Our second wedding anniversary is next Tuesday, so we decided that this weekend would be the perfect time to go to Harry Potter world. We're leaving on Thursday evening after work and we'll spend Friday and Saturday at Universal Studios. Hopefully we'll get to do everything at the W.W. of H.P. on Friday, but if it's ridiculously crowded and we miss things we can check it out again on Saturday. We decided to drive home Saturday night rather than stay in Orlando because A) I will miss my dogs (we just spent 8 days without them last week) and B) we'll save the money and go out for a nice dinner on our actual anniversary next week.

In other news, I was doing some more research on my health insurance options and I think I found something that might work for me! I found a plan (with the same provider I currently use) for only $255 a month, which is less than half the price of adding me to Seth's plan. It has a $250 deductible and maternity coverage with a $1500 deductible. It's definitely not as good as the insurance I have now. I'll have to make some changes. For example, my doctors want me to use brand name prescription prenatals but they will be really expensive with this plan so I might change back to generic or over-the-counter. It will also cost me a bit more money to see a general physician or specialist, but I only plan to have this coverage for a few months so I think that's okay. I'm not too concerned with the quality of the maternity coverage because, like I said, this is temporary and there's no way I'm giving birth in the next two or three months. Also, and this is the best part, it looks like surgery would be covered with this new plan! I think I could have surgery for under $1000, which seems pretty reasonable to me.

If this is true, it will take a lot of pressure off of me. My goal for this month is to give myself a break. Seth always says that I am too hard on myself and I know he's right. My goal for this month/cycle is to just take it easy. I'm going to enjoy my vacation this weekend. I'm going to enjoy my anniversary next week. I've done all of the research I can do, so I'm not going to worry about what we'll do next cycle. In two weeks, I'll have my appointment with Dr. M and we can get it all figured out then.

Rough Weekend

This weekend kind of sucked. It started Friday when I found out that surgery in August might not be possible for me. Saturday morning was when my period finally started. That afternoon, right in the middle of my family's big party, someone told me that they were pregnant after their first try. Don't get me wrong - I was and am very, very happy for her but it was a bad day for me. I was already in a bad place. It was hard for me to show the happiness that I was feeling for her when the anger and sadness I was feeling for myself were already choking me. When I hear about pregnancy, whether it's from a person in real life or someone on TV, it just reminds me of everything I should be able to do but can't. I know that it's no one else's fault that they can get pregnant easily and I can not. I have not felt any anger or resentment towards anyone other than myself.

That quote does a really good job of describing how I feel a lot of the time. It's how I felt in the middle of that party on Saturday. Everyone around me was super happy and having an awesome time. I felt like I was sitting there screaming and no one could hear me.

I feel much better now though. After talking to Seth and my mom, we decided that we would start telling people what was going on when they asked about our plans to have a baby. Everyone is different, but for me keeping the secret has been one of the most difficult parts. I hate feeling like I have something to hide or feeling like I always need to smile even if I'm having a crap day. 

One of my cousins knows what's been going on and she gave me a prayer card and a bracelet with little saint charms on it. I don't know the full story behind them, but I know that she lost her mother and I know that she had a miscarriage. I can not even begin to imagine how difficult those experiences must have been for her or how much pain she still feels because of it. That she passed on some of the things that gave her strength during those times means so, so much to me. If there has been a bright side to any of this, it has been the realization that our family and friends are so unbelievably kind and supportive. It feels so good to know that we have so many people on our side.

Bummed, Again

Well, it's officially cycle day 1 of cycle 13 and our 12th month TTC. I knew it was coming. I've had cramps for days and spotting since Thursday night, but it still stings.

As if it that wasn't bad enough,  I got some more bad news yesterday. I've been trying to get in touch with my RE's triage nurse, Justine, since Monday to talk about scheduling the laparoscopic surgery. We kept missing each other, then there was the holiday, and then finally she called me yesterday afternoon. She was super nice and really helpful, but unfortunately she didn't have good news for me.

Dr. M likes to do the surgery between your period and ovulation. Since I have short cycles, that really only gives us a window of about a week, usually even less than that. Assuming I don't get pregnant, I should get my period around July 31st. The only days that Dr. M is currently available in August are the 1st and the 29th. Unless I have a really fucked up cycle this time, neither of those days will work. August 1st will still be during my period and the 29th will be after I change my insurance. Justine told me not to worry, just go to my appointment with Dr. M on the 24th of July to see what he says and if he's still recommending that I have the surgery, I could probably do it with one of his partners. I'm not really sure about that. I picked Dr. M because he was recommended by my OBGYN but also because he operated on a close friend of mine and she had a really good experience with him. Surgery is a big fucking deal and I am really comfortable with Dr. M. I don't think I'll want to have the surgery with someone I don't know with only a few days notice.

I don't know where this leaves us. I guess my first step will be to get my insurance figured out. Now I need to be looking for plans that have good coverage for surgery in addition to the maternity coverage. This will be tough and really expensive, I'm sure, but I'm still holding out hope that we'll have better option available in October. If not, my emergency back-up plan is to move home to PA a little bit earlier than I planned and get an insurance plan there. It's much more affordable than FL.

Ah well. For now, I just need to focus on some positives I guess.

1) It's a new cycle - a fresh start and another chance. I really felt good about my change to vaginal temping and digital OPKs, so that's giving me a little bit more hope than usual. At least I feel like I'm doing something different. Seth and I also agreed to cut out alcohol almost completely this cycle, at least around ovulation and during the TWW. I don't really think it's an issue for us, but it never hurts to be a bit more healthy.

2) We can go to Harry Potter World next weekend! I think we're going to book it today.

3) My family's annual 4th of July party is today and if I want to enjoy a few drinks, I can! The no-alcohol rule doesn't apply today. Although, my cramps are pretty bad so I may not feel like drinking anyway.

4) WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!!!!

My Parents Rule

We're visiting my parents for the holiday week and it's been so nice to be home. I love my family so much and I really miss them, especially now when things have been kind of rough for me. I'm so grateful that Seth and I can take time off from our jobs like this.

My parents are in the process of selling their home. I'm really, really sad about it. We moved into this house 21 years ago. So many wonderful memories were made in this house. I'm also really happy for them, though. My dad is the hardest working person I have ever met. Since before my sisters and I were born until now, he has always worked two, three, even four jobs at a time to make sure that we had everything we needed. They sold their house for tens of thousands of dollars more than they were expecting and I'm so glad that my dad will finally be able to relax. He's not going to retire because he's still fairly young, but there will be so much less pressure on him now.

Yesterday, at separate times, both my mom and dad told me that if Seth and I decided to move forward with fertility treatments they wanted to give us money for it. Actually, my dad offered to pay off the rest of my school loans so that I didn't have to worry about making the monthly payments while we wait for Seth to graduate. I love them so much. It means so much to me that they would do anything to make my life easier. I am so, so lucky to have them.

I'm not sure if I could take the money from them, even if we planned to pay them back once we had better jobs. Like I said, my dad works so hard (and my mom does too, but in a different way) and I have always been really careful to never take more than I needed from him. It will be tough to break that habit and not feel really guilty about spending the money, especially since the chances of the IUI's not working are really high. I would feel awful if we wasted their money.

Who knows what we'll do. For now, the IUI vs. surgery debate is back open. Seth and my mom really don't want me to do the surgery if our RE thinks there is a chance I could get pregnant without it. I definitely agree, I'm just terrified of making the wrong choice.  We moved our appointment to July 24th to give us more time to decide before the August cycle starts (hopefully it won't start, of course!) and I made the call to the surgical nurse to discuss scheduling the surgery.

That's all I can really do for now. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my time with my family - especially my two nieces! 

The 12th Month

Well, today is July 1st. This starts our 12th month TTC. We are just about one month away from the official diagnosis of "Infertile". I'm pretty fucking bummed.

This morning, at 10 days post ovulation, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Surprise! I usually take one or two each cycle, but my expectations are always pretty low. I felt somewhat hopeful this morning because I have had very little pain this cycle, my temp dropped by about 0.5 degrees yesterday, and then it went back up by the same amount today. No luck though. It's still early and there's still a chance of course, but I'm feeling pretty crampy which is normal for me at this point in my cycle. I will be pretty shocked if I get anything other than my period in a few days.

Assuming this cycle was a bust, we will  have one more chance before being labeled "infertile". After that, I don't know what we'll do. We had pretty much decided to do nothing but the whole insurance situation changes how I feel about that. If I have the laparoscopic surgery before August 19th, it will be mostly covered by my insurance. I have already met the $100 deductible and my insurance covers 80% after that. If I don't do it in August, it will probably cost us a lot more money because the insurance we will have in the future will probably have a very high deductible. We'll probably ending up paying for most if not all of the surgery out-of-pocket. I hate to let finances pressure me into making such a big decision, but it's a lot of money. I can't ignore that.

I'm also wondering if putting off treatment is a good idea for my health - both physical and emotional. Endometriosis is a progressive disease. I started feeling symptoms about 15 or 16 months ago. Maybe I only had stage 1 last year, but who knows what I have now? Maybe I only have stage 1 now, but who knows what I'll have if I wait to seek treatment until after my husband gets a job (hopefully in January, but that's the best case scenario). It's already been 11 months, 12 cycles, without success. I don't know if I'm willing to jeopardize our chances even more. It doesn't seem like a good idea to do absolutely nothing when we know there is a good chance that I have a problem.

I'm making a call to Dr. M, the RE, today to set up an appointment to go over all of our options again. We can find out about the surgery, find out about the financing options for IUI, find out where are best chances lie. I'm so nervous. Every option seems like the "wrong" decision. How the hell are we going to choose?

We should know for sure whether this cycle was a failure by Friday. Fingers crossed that I won't ever have to make any of these decisions!