Patience

I get a really strong urge to slap anyone who tells me to be patient.

I was very patient the first 6 months we were TTC, despite having excellent timing and constant pelvic pain.

I was very patient for the 3 months between when my OB first suggested that I might have endo and when I finally made an appointment with the RE.

I was patient for the two months that it took to get an appointment with the RE.

I was patient for 3 cycles after I had the HSG, even though I had a weird left tube and no explanation for the pelvic pain.

I was (slightly less) patient through 2 weeks of post-surgery recovery, a MRSA infection, and 3.5 weeks of antibiotics.

And now I'm waiting (no quite so) patiently just hoping and praying that I'll fall into the small percent of people who are able to conceive without assistance after the lap surgery.

Don't tell me to be patient. Impatience is not my problem.

 Except....

Yesterday, I had a bit of meltdown. I made an appointment with Dr. M for 3 weeks from today. It will be at the end of my third post-lap cycle. Dr. M recommended that we try on our own for 3-6 months so we want to talk about our options. My research indicates that my chances are not greatly improved with IUI. On top of that, if we spent the money on 3 or more IUIs and they failed, it would be a long time before we could even consider IVF. We're thinking that we'd rather wait a little bit longer to start treatment, save our money, and go straight to IVF. We're not experts, though, so we wanted to talk to Dr. M and get his opinion.

For some reason, I just felt really sad and unsettled after making the appointment (it didn't help that the receptionist was being a dildo). I've been kind of beating myself up lately - am I being impatient??? Should we just keep waiting? How long do we wait? Why should we keep waiting? Isn't part of being an adult accepting that you don't always get what you want when you want it? Are we being ridiculous for considering IVF after only 18 months and 22 cycles (by the time we got there)? Like people have told me, we don't NEED to have a baby right now, but we WANT one. Is that not a good enough reason?

I am so afraid of waiting, but I'm also afraid that we'll pull the trigger on treatment and it will fail. I am hoping and praying that we won't need to make that decision, but I need to be prepared for it if we do. I'm not leaving that appointment without a plan.

Until then I just need to keep trying to take everything one day at a time. We don't really have any other choice do we?