Today marks the day we've officially been TTC for one whole year. I'm officially "infertile".
I cried yesterday, but I haven't yet today. I just feel kind of defeated. I think I knew this day was coming for a while now, so I've had time to prepare for it. It's been over six months since my doctor first started suspecting that I have endo. It's been three months since I first saw Dr. M and he told me that I either have a problem or "exquisitely bad luck". Neither of those things sounded very hopeful. I've also had fourteen cycles of BFNs. Fourteen failures. That's been the most difficult thing to deal with. The fact that they happened in under year didn't make it any less painful.
Today still stings though. I remember, just over a year ago, when Seth first told me he was ready to start TTC. I will never forget how I could see the excitement in his eyes. I will never forget how happy and excited we felt those first few months. I wish that we still felt that way.
This year was tough. I'm sad and disappointed that it didn't work out for us. Sometimes I wish that we didn't wait so long to start TTC. Sometimes I wish that I didn't wait so long to get some answers and treatment about my pelvic pain. Sometimes I wish that I had used birth control pills in the past - maybe the endo wouldn't have grown and spread. Thinking like that doesn't change or help anything though.
I still feel confident that there is a baby for us at the end of this road. I know that regardless of how or when we get to the end, when I'm holding a baby in my arms, I will be so thankful that I took the road that lead us to THAT baby. I think that's the thing that's keeping me from feeling too depressed today and it's the thing that will get me through surgery and the waiting and the treatment that will follow it.