Cycle 20

Yesterday was CD1 and today is December 1st, so we've officially started cycle 20, month 17. I had a great time visiting my family and I think that it helped to be home yesterday since I didn't have very much time to cry or dwell on it. I am pretty bummed though. We had great timing - maybe our best since surgery. I really felt like if it was going to happen, this would have been the month. But it didn't so now we move on.

I am not looking forward to this cycle at all. I feel like I'm going to be a fucking mess. Assuming nothing changes, I can expect my next cycle to start on or around Christmas day. I swear all of my CD1s fall on holidays or family events. It is so hard to stand in the middle of a crowded room and smile and make small talk when I feel like screaming. This is our last chance to get pregnant in 2013. I am dreading the new year. If this doesn't happen, I really think I'll be avoiding all NYE celebrations. I'm sure that's not healthy, but I don't fucking care. I just can't.

In spite of all of this, or probably because of all of this, I'm afraid that my hopes are going to be out of control and that if/when it doesn't happen I will be absolutely crushed.

I'm already a nervous wreck over the whole IVF program application thing. The application says that we should receive a response by mail (Email? Regular post?) in about 2-3 weeks. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I mailed it. I'm going to be refreshing my phone and checking my mailbox like a freak until we get a response. Even though I feel that they have good reasons to deny our application, I can't help getting my hopes up. We need this. If we don't get it, I don't know what we'll do treatment-wise but I'm pretty certain that I will lose my mind if we don't try something soon.

There's nothing I can do about it though. I just need to keep reminding myself that. We're doing all that we can do right now and worrying about it won't change anything. We'll give it our best shot again because we're not ready to give up. Other than that, it's out of our hands.