One of the suckiest things about this process (other than the fact that it's been unsuccessful) is the amount of time we spend just waiting. I hate feeling like I'm hoping my life will hurry up and pass me by. Waiting for the next cycle, the next appointment, the next step.
A very common bit of advice given to people just starting TTC is to just keep living your life. Continue doing whatever it is you normally do. Find some new hobbies. Keep busy and keep your mind off the process and the goal. After an IF diagnosis, that becomes very hard. Maybe impossible. I'm not unhappy. There are still so many things that I love to do and I have no problem enjoying them. The problem is that any time I get a spare second - just a moment of silence or inactivity - my mind immediately jumps back to everything I'm trying to forget. It's so hard not to think ahead, to anticipate the next step, to plan for the future that may or may not become a reality. I hate waiting. I hate planning. Well, actually I love to plan. I just worry that I'm spending so much of my time planning in vain.
I'm in the 2WW of our first break cycle. 9DPO. I'm about 5-6 days away from whatever is coming next. Maybe it will be our first ever BFP (don't worry, I'm not holding my breath). Maybe it will be CD1. In that case, I'll need to call the clinic and schedule blood work and ultrasound so that I can start prepping for IVF #2.
Seth and I are pretty set on doing one more cycle with Dr.M at our current clinic. Financially, it makes the most sense and the timing is not bad. If this doesn't work, our back-up plan is to move to another clinic in the northeast. They have a multi-cycle shared risk program that we like a lot better than similar programs we've seen at the clinics in our area. Depending on where/when/if Seth gets a job after graduation, I might be going alone (to stay with my parents) and he would travel in to provide his sample. It's not ideal, but what part of this process is? I'm not giving up hope. I really, really do hope that we will only need one more IVF cycle for now, but it makes me feel better to know that there is a plan in place in case it doesn't happen again.
For now, I just need to get through the next few days. (<-- See? I hate feeling like I need to "get through" my life.)
I *totally* get it. IF sucks. I always felt like I was just wishing/wasting my life away. It does sound like you are in a good place mentally which is great, especially with having some tough things up in the air. Sending you big hugs and positive vibes for this cycle! <3
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way, once you get to a certain point in the TTC process, it feels like it's impossible to think of anything else in your downtime. And the constant countdowns are ridiculous - okay, how long to wait to pee on a stick, if I take this medication now when will that make my next appointment, etc. It sucks living life this way, but it'll all be worth it in the end (I keep telling myself that).
ReplyDeleteFX for you. Hopefully you won't have to wait too much longer to get your BFP!
I feel your pain! It's so hard to keep living life normally because... this is so far from my normal life. I can't wait for this to be far, far behind us as a distant memory that I will work hard to repress. But for now, it's just painful most of the time. But that's ok. It will pass, and we'll get through it somehow. Though I hear you on wishing time away. It makes me sad. Very sad.
ReplyDeleteThis post rings so true in my life. So.Much.Waiting. And I know the advice to live your life is really the best anyone can say, but it's like telling someone to NOT think about a purple elephant - now what are you thinking about?? A ridiculous purple elephant! Stupid IF. I hate feeling like I'm wishing my life away, days or weeks at a time, I just pray that one day very soon we will know that joy of a BFP and holding our babies in our arms and this part will fade. I'm always rooting so hard for you and I'm happy to hear you have a plan for moving forward. <3
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