Planning for Failure

My good mood has fizzled out quite a bit over the past few days. I just can't shake the feeling and the fear that I'm starting the TTC process over again and that it's going to end the same way - lots of waiting and hoping and disappointment and more time "wasted".

It's so hard to balance the practical aspects and the emotional side of infertility. I know that it's possible that my fertility has improved because of the surgery. Studies show that pregnancy without help can happen after surgery. But emotionally, I just can't make myself believe that I'll be one of the lucky ones. I've been feeling really...flat lately. Just sort of resigned to the possibly that this isn't going to happen right now.

Seth and I talked again the other day about how we want to proceed over the next few months. I'm not sure if I can handle another six months of this, but I also don't want to spend the time, money, and emotional energy on treatment cycles if we don't need it. Then there's the odds to consider. Some people with endometriosis do have success with IUI, but in general IVF is a safer bet. A much more invasive and expensive bet. I asked Seth if he would rather try on our own for three cycles (1 down, 2 to go) and then try IUI or try for six and then move right to IVF. He surprised me by choosing six months and IVF. My practical side is ready for IVF, but I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it. I just don't know if it's the right choice for me. We still have a lot of research and talking to do before we make this decision, of course.

I hate that everything has to be so planned with infertility. The whole "just relax" and "try not to think about it" advice is such a ridiculous joke. You always have to be planning ahead. If you don't plan ahead, you don't get an appointment with the RE. You miss your window to have the monitoring required for a treatment cycle. If we decide to go through with treatment after three cycles, I need to call Dr. M to make an appointment this week because they're usually booked a month in advance. It's so hard to be hopeful when you're always planning for failure. We can always cancel later, but since we're 100% OOP now I don't want to go through with the appointment until we're sure about what we want to do. Every penny needs to count now.

A big part of me just wants to say fuck it all. Fuck the charting, fuck the OPKs, and let's just go back to the way our life was before we started TTC and just see what happens. Seth also surprised me by saying he would really like to keep actively trying. I guess he's right. It will be so much harder to move forward with treatment if I don't feel like we gave ourselves the best chance possible after surgery.

Ah well. At least it's Friday, right?