Puppy Party!

Today was Bear's and Binky's second birthday and I may have gone a little overboard with the celebration. I'm definitely a crazy dog lady. I know many people think it's weird that I'm so into my dogs, but I just don't care. My dogs make me really happy and I'm pretty sure my dogs are really happy too. They are so ridiculously loved and well-cared for and I just don't see how that's a bad thing. That said, if you don't own any pets, you may want to proceed with caution! And be thankful that I didn't try to top last year's Harry Potter themed 1st birthday party which had invitations and a "Potions Class" ice cream sundae bar.

After wishing them both a very happy birthday this morning, I tied their special birthday boy ribbons onto their collars.

Bear in his birthday ribbon.

Binky testing out his birthday hat.

Next, we made them each a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. They love eggs, especially Bear. As soon as someone takes an egg out of the refrigerator, Bear can smell it and runs straight to the kitchen. Then he lays under the breakfast bar hoping for some crumbs. We've been promising them they could have an egg for their birthday, so that's what we did. Binky gets more excited about cereal which I think is a little weird for a dog, but he heard me open the box so I gave him so corn flakes too.

Birthday eggs

After dinner, it was time to open presents! Yes, of course, I bought them presents. However, I was really surprised when our roommates (my BIL's SILs are living with us for a little bit) brought out two gift bags for them. These girls are so sweet and they take such good care of Binky and Bear. We are so lucky to have them. Binky and Bear are two of the most spoiled dogs in the world.

My boys. They're so focused because Seth is holding a treat in front of the camera.

I also made so home made "Frosty Paws" frozen treats for them. THIS was the recipe I planned to use, but I didn't think I needed 32 ounces of dog ice cream. Instead I used:

2 6 oz. containers of plain fat free yogurt

1/2 a ripe banana

2 Tbsp peanut butter

I mixed everything together and then put it back into the yogurt containers, covered it with plastic wrap and stuck them in the freezer. This afternoon I took them out of the freezer and put them in the refrigerator so it would be easier to pop them out of the container. We only used one treat and split it between them because I'm not sure how their stomachs will handle it. They definitely loved the taste though! 

It was a really fun day for me. I love to find any excuse to celebrate. Even Seth had a great day and he didn't give me hard time about it at all. He likes to tease me about being too obsessed with the dogs, but I hear him talking to them when he thinks no one is listening. He's a crazy dog guy too. Obviously, Binky and Bear had no idea what was going on but I know they loved all of their treats and new toys. These guys rule.

Yes. I'm a freak. So what?

Health Insurance - Yikes!

I was talking to some friends about health insurance and I decided that I better double-check on my plans for when my contract is up at the end of August. Thank God I did! Originally, I thought it was going to cost us around $270 a month to add me to Seth's insurance. I seriously miscalculated. It will be almost $560 a month! That's a lot of money. I don't think that's the best option for us.

Since I'm quitting, our monthly income will be cut in half. That means Seth will have to cover my part of all our monthly bills. We'll also have to start paying my school loans again since they've been in deferment while I've been in school. That won't be too bad. I've already paid off 50% of my loans and I don't have too much left. That bill should be less than $150 a month. Plus my new health insurance bill.

I'm definitely going to be looking for a job in August. Nothing major since we will hopefully be relocating in December, but I wanted something that would cover my personal bills (health insurance and student loans). It would be great if I could make enough to contribute to our joint expenses. $560 sounds like a huge chunk out of a crappy hourly job. I think there must be a better option, but it's really hard to find insurance with maternity coverage in Florida. The "cheapest" option I have found so far costs at least $350. Which is less expensive, but still not great. Maybe something better will come along with this new Marketplace option, but there's no way I'm going to have a break in my coverage between August and when it starts in October.

We're going to have to make some serious budget cuts. No more traveling to visit my family until Thanksgiving I guess. We'll save money on gas since I probably won't have such a long commute. Maybe I can find a job within walking distance. Groceries will probably be the easiest thing to save money on. We eat pretty well (mostly fresh foods) and I hate to sacrifice our healthy diets just to save a bit of money, but I'm sure we can find a way to make it work. We have just under two months to figure it out!

Annnd We're Off!

Officially back in the two week wait today. Time to relax!

For the past few months, I've considered not temping during the TWW but I just can't stop. I've been looking forward to seeing a BFP chart for so long. The little line turns green when you enter a positive pregnancy test. I can't wait for that to happen for me. If something so little can help keep my hopes up, I'm not going to take that away.

This month has been weird so far. I hardly had any pelvic pain at all. Maybe one of two days of a really dull ache and one day of moderate pain, which was triggered by working in the garden. None of the really sharp pain that I get on my left side at all yet. I'm not going to let that affect my expectations though. It more than likely means absolutely nothing, but I think it's worth noting since I've become so accustomed to feeling pain.

In general, I feel okay. Since Seth and I decided we're not ready for treatment a lot of the pressure I had been feeling is gone. I've been so terrible about making decisions and it's a relief to have a few more months before we need to do that. I'm still not sure that putting off surgery is a good idea, but we'll talk to the Dr. M about it next month before we make the call.

This week is also the start of the Summer B session at the university, which means I actually have to start working again. It's not a bad deal though - I don't have to teach, just do some grading for one of the professors. I'll only need to show up on campus to administer the three exams which is awesome because I love working from home. At least I'll have something to keep me a little more occupied!

Happy Hour

It's Friday! And it's after 5 o'clock! Time to celebrate.

We're having tacos for dinner tonight so I was planning to make margaritas, but then I thought - we've got all of the spearmint going ass wild in the garden, why not try mojitos?

I was never really into mojitos. I must not have had a very good one for my first experience, because the general idea is very appealing to me. I love fresh-tasting drinks that aren't too sweet. Anything with lime, mint, and club soda is a winner in my book so I figured it was time to give the mojito another shot. When I was in Guatemala with my sister B in March, she got me hooked on them. We were visiting this teeny tiny town on a lake and one of the restaurants had a Happy Hour special - 2 Mojitos for 25 Quetzales. That's about $1.50 per drink. Score. We ditched Seth, who was recovering from having his wisdom removed (I'm a good wife) and had a lovely afternoon sipping mojitos in Panajachel.

Back to today. Time for some homemades. I picked a bunch of spearmint from the garden and rinsed it off. Next I gathered my white rum, limes, powdered sugar, and club soda. Most recipes call for granulated white sugar, but I found one for an authentic "Cuban mojito" that used the powdered sugar and I figured that would dissolve more easily. I wasn't about about to whip up some simple sugar. Ain't nobody got time for that at 5 o'clock on a Friday.

First, I placed 4-6 mint leaves in my glass.

There they are - mint leaves, fresh from the garden in my whiskey tumbler.
I'm going to need to buy some official mojito glasses.

Next, I added about a teaspoon of powdered sugar and the juice from half a large lime. I also threw in a small lime wedge because one of the recipes mentioned that the bitterness of the lime's "white pith" was important. No idea what that means, but I didn't want to take any chances.

The next step is to "muddle" all of that together. It sounds really intimidating on all of the recipes. Apparently it's really easy to fuck up on this part and mojito snobs can really distinguish a good muddler from a bad one. I just used a little plastic spoon and squished everything together. Works for me.

Finally, I filled the glass with crushed ice, added 1.5 ounces of white rum and topped it off with club soda. The recipe said to use 2 ounces of rum, but I know myself - I'll pound this drink so it's definitely a good idea for me to keep it light.

MmmHmm look at that gorgeous green color.

It's pretty good for my first try! I can taste the mint and the lime and it's definitely not too sweet for me. Some people, like Seth, might like a bit more sugar but I think it's delicious as is. I can't wait until the limes on our tree are ready to be picked! Too bad we don't have any rum in the garden - I'm going to need to go get another bottle if I'm going to be sharing these with everyone at dinner tonight!

A Positive Day

I mentioned that I was going to try using digital OPKs this month. I used one on Tuesday even though the cheapie test was clearly negative. The digital agreed. Last night I used another cheapie and it was inconclusive. The test line was almost as dark as the control line, but the test area was also weird and streaking. Fuck that - I'm trying the digital again. After blinking for a few minutes....

POSITIVE!

Awesome! I really doubt this is going to make a huge difference because our timing as always been decent even within the context of the margin of error, but this feels good. I'm willing to latch onto anything to boost my optimism. Mostly, I'm just hoping that my chart is more clear. I'm a scientist - I hate inconclusive data.

To boost my mood even further, we got a new dishwasher today! Our old one sucked. It ran for hours and sometimes you had to run it more than once. I was thrilled when it broke last week. We went to pick one out on Monday, I think, and the guys came to install it this afternoon.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time shopping online before choosing a Whirlpool. I became obsessed with having the silverware basket on the door which, according to the guy at Sears, is Whirlpool's signature look. So far I love it, although I admit that I haven't actually used it yet. The level of my excitement about trying it out is a little disturbing. I think I'm officially a "housewife". 

Ahh...life's simple pleasures. Positive ovulation tests and major appliances.

How It Feels

I'm tired of people telling me not to worry. I know they mean well, but it's kind of annoying because I'm NOT worried. Not yet, anyway. There is no reason for me to believe that I won't be able to have a biological baby of my own somehow, someday. Sure, statistically it should have happened by now. And yes, statistically, it may take us awhile longer and chances are good that we will need assistance. But I'm not worried. "Worry" is not the feeling that is with me all day, every day.

This past week has been by far the worse I have experienced since we began TTC. I just started my 13th cycle. Still not to the one-year mark, but having 12 failed cycles hurts. Seth and I have also been doing a lot of research and talking since getting the results of my ultrasound and HSG. We are almost 100% sure that we will not pursue any treatments, IUI or surgery, in the immediate future. I just quit my job and we're not sure when and/or if Seth will be starting a job (assuming he graduates in December, which is also uncertain). We're just not ready to make such a huge financial commitment and I don't think we're emotionally and mentally prepared for the very real possibility that the treatments would be unsuccessful.

After I told this to my mom, she again told me not to worry. I know she says this because she is worried about me. Not worried that I can't or won't have children, just worried because she hates to see me upset. As I tried to explain to her that I wasn't worried, I realized I couldn't explain what I WAS feeling. Sadnesss? Definitely. Disappointment? Absolutely. Frustrated. Angry. Lonely. Confused. All of these things. But those feelings are easy for me to identify and none of those accurately describes the feeling that has been haunting me lately.

A few days ago, as I sat in the kitchen enjoying a glass of wine it finally hit me. I realized that I have felt this emotion before. It is the same feeling that I get at the end of a vacation. It's like an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Huh? But we're not at the end of the TTC process, we're just getting started. Why would would infertility feel the same as finishing a vacation? I had to think about it for awhile before it hit me.

Longing. Longing is what I'm feeling at the end of a vacation, not sadness or disappointment. When a vacation is over, I long to always be in that carefree state of mind that you have when you're on vacation. I long to spend more time with my family. I long for the past and wonder when will I feel that way again, when will I see my loved ones again.

Longing is what I'm feeling now in a ridiculously overwhelming way. Now, I'm longing to be a mother. I long to be pregnant and to hold my own baby in my arms. I long to see my husband's eyes or smile in someone else's little face. It's an ache that is with me from the minute I get up in the morning to minute I fall asleep. It doesn't interfere with my life. I still feel happy. There are still so many, many things that bring me joy. But it's always there as a pit in my stomach or a lump in my throat waiting to pull me under.

I knew this was a feeling that my mom could relate to even though she's never dealt with infertility. When I explained it to her, she cried for the first time (that I know of) since I told her what I've been going through. It hurts me to see her upset, but it does feel good to be understood.  Having people who love me and understand me is what's going to get me through this and I'm so, so grateful for that.

Woohoo!

Great news - I don't have melanoma! I had my follow-up appointment with the oral surgeon today and he told me that I do not have oral melanoma or any other type of cancer. Thank God. The pathology report just says that it was a "foreign body" - most likely a bit of metal. This is a very common situation, but because I don't have any metal fillings near the spot and because it didn't show up on the x-rays, it was safer to go ahead and do the biopsy. I am not surprised that this was the result. I know that I had a metal spacer in my mouth for several years when I was younger and I'm almost certain that it was in the area of my mouth where I found the spot. Obviously, I am ridiculously relieved that I have nothing to worry about! The area that they biopsied healed perfectly so now I can just relax and forget that this even happened. It's nice to have a bit of good news from a doctor for a change!