20 weeks!!!

AHH!!! I can't believe it! I'm half baked! It's so weird - some days it feels like time is flying by and other days it feels like I've been pregnant forever. I can't believe we're halfway there. Only 4 more weeks until viability day!

Luckily, it's been another boring week!


How far along: 20 weeks 

Baby is the size of a: Banana! Baby is around 6.5 inches long and over 10 oz. His tastes buds are working and he's busy drinking amniotic fluid. Sounds awesome - sorry Bud.

Physical symptoms: Possibly a UTI, but nothing else.    

Mood: Mostly good. I've been getting a little emotional about Baby's name (or not baby's name) but I'm trying really hard to hide it because I do NOT want Seth to feel pressured into choosing something he doesn't love. We hopefully have plenty of time to decide anyway...but I'm not always rational.   

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  I don't know, I forgot to check. I feel the same though.

Maternity clothes: Just my belly band, which rules.     

Sleep: Fine, I guess. Still tossing and turning a bit.

Best moment of the week: Baby was going crazy for a few days and once I was able to feel my stomach jump from the outside! Of course as soon as I got Seth, Baby stopped moving but hopefully we'll both get to feel it soon.

Movement: Yep! It's still sporadic, but it's getting stronger and some days I feel him moving all day long.

Food cravings/aversions: I want all of the buffalo chicken, mashed potatoes, and Lucky Charms. I have an aversion to everything else.

Sex: Still a boy!

Labor signs: Not yet.

What I miss: Beer. I don't give many fucks about football, but I do love beer and game day snacks in the fall.

What I am looking forward to: Viability day, deciding on a name, Seth feeling Baby for the first time...

Milestones: Baby is half baked!! Also, feeling the baby move is probably a pretty big milestone too.

Showing yet: I guess, but not really in my regular clothes. 

19 weeks

Woohoo! 19 weeks! Only one more week until we reach the halfway point!

This was a good week. We started off with the great anatomy scan. Then yesterday, Seth and I went out to the baby stores to start thinking about what we will want and need. We picked our car seat and stroller and bought a few outfits for Baby. Seth is funny because he likes to know everything about everything - what do the sizes mean? Why do they need so many onesies? Why is the side-snap onesie better? There was a tense moment when I had to explain to that no, baby hats were not exactly necessary, but if Baby wanted to have some versatility with his outfits, he might want more than just the plain white hat. However, babies DO need little koala slippers and blanket!  

How far along: 19 weeks

Baby is the size of a: Mango. Baby should be about 6 inches long and 8.5 ounces. This might not be true. He was already measuring 6 inches at 18w1d and the doctor estimated that he was already 10 ounces! He also guessed that Baby would reach 1 pound in about two weeks (so one week from now).

Physical symptoms:  Not much going on this week.  

Mood: As usual, I spoke too soon last week. On Friday, I cried over a cheesesteak. Let's leave it at that.  

Total Weight Gain/Loss: +4.5 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Not yet, but I did use my belly band and it was awesome.    

Sleep: Not bad. Still having some hip pain so I roll over a lot, but I have no trouble falling asleep again.

Best moment of the week: Hearing that Baby BOY looks healthy!

Movement: Yes! I started feeling some tickling and light tapping this week. One day he went wild and I felt some stronger kicks, but now it's back to the tickling feeling again.

Food cravings/aversions:  Lucky Charms are the greatest thing ever. Seth and I need to have a talk about why it's not okay to finish the box without warning me. Eggs are still gross.

Sex: BOY

Labor signs: Nope.

What I miss: Nothing really.

What I am looking forward to: Setting up the nursery! We ordered a new area rug and curtains this week. Hopefully I like the colors.

Milestones: Having a "normal" anatomy scan and finding out the sex were pretty big deals this week :)

Showing yet: Yes, sort of. Sometimes it doesn't look very bumpish in clothes, but other times it's more obvious.   

Anatomy Scan

Thanks to everyone for all of the prayers and well wishes leading up to our scan yesterday - it meant so much to me!

Yesterday morning at 18 weeks 1 day, we went in for the anatomy scan. She asked us if we wanted to know the sex if it was apparent and we said yes. After I got settled, she put the probe on my stomach and then pulled it right back off. Then she said "You said you DO want to know the sex, right? Because we have a flasher on our hands!" We said yes again and then she brought the baby's image up on the screen.

IT'S A BOY!!

I cried. As soon as she said it, it became real for me. I've been waiting for this to stop seeming like a joke or a dream and now it has. I'm having a baby boy. I'm going to have a son. We really couldn't give any fewer fucks about the sex, but hearing her say it was a boy was a bit of surprise (as much of a surprise as a 50/50 chance should be). There are no boys on my dad's side of the family. I have three sisters, three female cousins, and two nieces. We're always referred to as the "P. Girls". My baby will be an "H" but he's still part of the "P" family and he's the first boy in 50 years. One boy and ten girls. My sister would call that a "loner with a boner".

Anyway, after a minute or two we got back to business and I went back to holding my breath. There's a lot I don't like about that office, however the ultrasound technicians are amazing. They talk you through the whole thing and you get to watch on nice big TV. We got to watch as checked and measured all of the major organs. Brain, heart, and spine all looked exactly as they should. I'm not sure if I've ever been so relieved in my life. Baby even has all of the extra stuff like two kidneys, ten fingers, and ten toes so that's nice too.

At the end, the doctor came in and verified that the ultrasound was "normal" and Baby looks exactly as they want him to look at this stage. He's even measuring a little bit ahead of schedule at 19 weeks which according to the doctor puts him in the 93rd percentile for size! I will definitely stop worrying about my size now - he seems to be growing just fine. I was a big baby too - 9.5 pounds at birth. Hopefully this little guy takes after Seth - he was tall like me, but a little bit smaller.

I feel like I can breathe for a bit. I am so thankful that he looks okay. Next item on our agenda - making it to V-day (viability day) which is September 28th. For now, I think I'll try to let myself to have a little fun and start thinking about names or do a little bit of shopping.

18 weeks

YAY for another boring week!

How far along: 18 weeks! 

Baby is the size of a: Sweet potato. Baby should be over 5.5 inches long and almost 7 oz. She/he can yawn, hiccup, suck, and swallow.

Physical symptoms: Same old stretching and the fatigue hit pretty hard again this week.   

Mood: Great! Aside from general anxiety, my mood has been pretty level so far. According to my pregnancy books, this makes Seth a very lucky guy. I think he knows it.   

Total Weight Gain:  Enough. Doctor said that I'm fine, so I'm done worrying about it.

Maternity clothes:  Still wearing my regular clothes but I bought some cute fall things at H&M this week. Have I mentioned that I can't wait for fall? We probably have another 6-8 weeks of disgusting heat down here.    

Sleep: Not too bad this week.

Best moment of the week: Finding out that the results of the NT scan/genetic screening were negative!

Movement: I don't think so. I feel a lot of activity, but nothing that I felt sure was caused by Baby.

Food cravings/aversions: Right now I want to eat everything. Except eggs, they're still gross.

Sex: Not sure yet - possibly we'll find out tomorrow.

Labor signs: None.

What I miss: Can't think of anything this week.

What I am looking forward to: Anatomy scan tomorrow! One more sleep! I'm alternating between being excited and feeling like I'm going to vomit from the nerves. I couldn't sleep last night and I'm sure tonight will be worse.

Milestones: I'm still pregnant and I can't believe it's almost time for the a/s. I've been counting down for weeks.

Showing yet: Yes, definitely. It's not very obvious in most of my regular clothes but if I wear anything tight, my belly is visible. I made a comparison picture between 10 weeks and today since I'm wearing the same thing. See - I told you I finally have real boobs!

Great news, good news, etc.

First, great news: The doctor's office finally called today (at 4:50 right after I'd given up hope for today and two minutes after I got in the shower) to tell us the results of the integrated screen. The results are negative! This means that there is a 1 in 5000 chance that Baby will have Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and/or Trisomy 13. Obviously, this is a huge relief. The test is not perfect, but it detects over 90% of all of these genetic abnormalities so it's definitely nice to know that the risk is very low for our baby.

Good news: I had my routine OB appointment and everything seems to be going well. My doctor said that I could have gained some more weight and she would be happy, but she is fine with where I'm at right now. I haven't lost any weight (not from my pre-IVF weight anyway) so she is not concerned for now. She's happy with my progress, so I will not stress about it anymore. If I'm still not gaining much later on, she said they will monitor my and baby's progress more closely.

One thing I found out at my appointment is that she only delivers at Hospital B. I thought she delivered at Hospital A as well because the website says that she has privileges there, but she only goes with Hospital B. I prefer A - it's where I've gone and it's where Seth was born - but I don't really have a reason to dislike B so this isn't really a big deal. We live halfway between both hospitals and they're only about 10-15 minutes away from us. Hospital B has a better NICU and Perinatal Intensive Care Center (Level III vs. Level II) so that's good. Both hospitals also have newly renovated and updated private maternity suites. Cool. Hospital B also has this:

WTF is this? It's a luxurious suite featuring a spacious family area, hotel-style full-size bed for dad or partner, and elegant shower facilities. It also includes a fully stocked fridge and the optional afternoon tea time. All for the low price of $350/night in addition to your normal hospital bill. That's crazy! That's nicer than most all of the hotels that Seth and I stay at. Crazy, yes, but I would definitely upgrade if we could afford it. Baby totally deserves the VIP birthing suite. Hmm...how long am I allowed to play the IVF card?

And finally in other fun news, Seth is back from his trip to Guatemala and he brought lots of treats for Baby! A) It's exciting to have baby stuff and B) I love that Seth picked things out on his own. He chose an embroidered romper, an embroidered bit/hat/bootie set, a traditionalish Guatemalan linen top (which will look great with jeggings if Baby is a girl), and little blanket with textured tags:

 

I love all of it and it's definitely helping to get me excited. If everything looks okay on Monday, I think I will buy a few small items - starting with the Harry Potter things I have saved on Etsy!

17 weeks

I'm sort of a mess this week. My PaIF brain is going a little crazy. I do not feel pregnant. I don't feel anything. Just nothingness. It's freaking me out a lot because I always felt a sense of nothingness before every CD1. I am NOT complaining about a lack of physical symptoms - I am so thankful that I have an easy pregnancy so far. I'm just having a really hard time with the mental stuff right now. It's like I'm having flashbacks to the 20 something cycles of failure and all of the same feelings are coming back - fear, sadness, hopelessness. Even though I can feel all of the stretchy feelings and I've been listening to Baby's heartbeat, I can't shake these feelings. Hopefully I start feeling better after my OB appointment this week.


How far along: 17 weeks! Baby is the size of an onion - about 5 inches long and weighs about 6 oz. His/her skeleton is still hardening and fat is starting to accumulate. 

Physical symptoms: Ute stretching and RLP

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  Only +2.2 pounds. I guess I was just really bloated last week. Add this to the list of things that I'm worried about...

Maternity clothes: Still not wearing them, but I finally found a belly band that fits me - it's the one from Target. I think the brand is Ingrid and Isabel. This should get me through work in my regular pants for the first month or two.     

Stretch marks: This is a stupid question. The answer will be no until/if I get them and then it will be yes for the rest of the time. I'm done with this one.

Sleep: Eh. My hip pain is back, but it's not as bad as before so I'm getting an okay amount of sleep.

Best moment of the week: Easy - Chickin's BFP <3 <3 <3

Movement: Nothing yet :(

Food cravings: Olives, french fries, soda, olives

Sex: Not sure yet

Labor signs: None

Belly button: Same as the stretch marks question

What I miss: Walking my dogs (actually holding the leash). I wasn't allowed to walk them when I was on exercise restrictions and now everyone is afraid for me to walk them alone in case I fall or something. There's this fucking fox in the neighborhood that follows us - really closely - every single day and the dogs freak out and pull to try to get it. So I understand everyone's concerns, but I miss just taking my boys out whenever I want. At least we can still go for rides in the car.

What I am looking forward to: I can't wait for Seth to get back from his trip this week. And also - only 8 more sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm so, so nervous.

Milestones: Still pregnant as far as I know. 

Bump Watch: Yeah...there's not much there. 

"You Have No Idea"

This is one of the things I hear most often from my fertile friends with children. "You have no idea what it's like to be a parent until you are one". I know that they mean well. Or maybe they feel they can confess how freaked out they were without judgement from a non-parent. I also don't disagree with them. Just like I don't think you can understand what it's like to be infertile unless you've experienced it, I don't think you can really know what it's like to be a parent until it happens. But it still bothers me.

A small part is probably bitterness. This statement is usually accompanied by a large dose of smugness. There's almost an "us vs. you" undertone. It pisses me off. First of all, I know that I don't know. People who think they know everything about everything usually don't know shit. Second of all, my lack of knowing is not for lack of wanting or trying so please stop reminding me about how you got pregnant and had a baby when you wanted to while I had to keep waiting and waiting.

Another issue that I have with this statement is that my experience has not been and will not be the same as the experience of the person making the comment. The average fertile person gets about 9 - 12 months to decide to get pregnant and prepare to actually have the baby. I've had 9 months...plus about 21 more. Do you think I didn't think long and hard about what it would mean to actually get pregnant and have baby? I had a hell of a long time - and still not as long as some - to think about what that would mean and how it would change my life. I had to think long and hard about how far I was willing to go to make that happen. I may not know, but I am not naive.

But the biggest reason that I hate hearing this is that the the fact that I do not have a baby in my arms yet is completely irrelevant. For the past year, I have had to choose to make enormous physical, emotional, mental, and financial sacrifices for my baby. The difference between what I have done and what the average parent has done is that I had to make all of those sacrifices for a baby that I knew might never actually exist. As far as I'm concerned, I became a parent the day that I was diagnosed with infertility and decided to pursue treatment. Other women become a parent the day that they became pregnant, whether they have their take-home baby now or not. I have a feeling that the average fertile parent would not understand that. They should know how lucky that makes them.

So I'm sorry if I don't seem overly impressed with your nugget of wisdom. Remember, I don't know what it's like to be you, but YOU don't know what it's like to be ME either.

I'm grumpy.

16 weeks

This was, thankfully, a pretty uneventful week especially compared to last weekend. Seth and I have started deep cleaning and reorganizing our room to prepare for Baby. At first we were thinking we'd just keep Baby in our room until we move, but I think we're going to check with my FIL to see if we can use one of the guest bedrooms as a nursery. I can't imagine he will give a shit, so we'll be sorting through that room next. I'm trying to get a bunch of stuff done now before I start working.

We also had my cousin, her H, and their five month old baby visit this week. I was so impressed and relieved to see how well Binks and Bear did with the baby. Binks was more interested in him than Bear was, but they were both really, really good. I have to share some pictures.

How far along: 16 weeks! Baby is the size of an avocado. He/she should be able to start hearing me soon. 

Physical symptoms: Other than some pretty intense stretching and endo-like pain the past few days, I feel pretty normal. It's kind of freaking me out.       

Total Weight Gain/Loss:  +4 pounds! I was so surprised when I stepped on the scale this morning. I was getting a little worried since I don't feel like I'm growing, but I think 4 pounds is okay. 

Maternity clothes: I bought some jeans and leggings on sale this weekend, but they won't fit me for a few weeks. Also, it's too fucking hot for pants right now. I can't wait for "fall".

Stretch marks: None that I've noticed.

Sleep: Still sleeping pretty well!

Best moment of the week: Hmm...I guess seeing my pups get along with a baby. Also, I love seeing Seth doing things to get ready for his/her arrival.

Movement: Nothing yet :(

Food cravings: Coke and Dr. Pepper

Sex: Not sure yet.

Labor signs: None.

Belly button: The same.

What I miss: Beer

What I am looking forward to: 15 sleeps until the anatomy scan! I'm not too stressed about the Integrated Screen this week. If we get a high-risk result for Down Syndrome, so be it. If we get a high-risk result for something else, we'll probably get a better idea of what's going on at the a/s the following week anyway.

Milestones: I never know what to put here. I'm still pregnant? Baby had a skeleton last weekend so I guess he/she is growing nicely?

Bump Watch: We finally got a new mirror so I don't need my heels anymore but I included them one more time for Jaytee! My bump still looks smaller than after Thanksgiving dinner, for example, but my boobs are bigger! (Meaning - I actually have boobs!)