3 Months

I can't believe that E is three months old. It was one year ago this week that I started stimming for E's IVF cycle. I still can't believe how incredibly lucky we have been.  It's so weird. In some ways, I can't believe he's actually here and mine and in other ways I can't even remember what my life was like without him. Every day I am grateful to have him in my life.

E is doing so well. He's a long and skinny little peanut, but he's growing really well. He was 7 pounds 2 ounces at birth and at 12 weeks, he was 11 pounds 12 ounces! He's always "talking" and laughing and lately he's been trying to eat everything that he can get his hands on. We all survived his first cold and his first trip on an airplane! We're all settling into a pretty good routine and things are much less stressful at home.

E's favorite things: playing on his play mat, going for walks with his brothers, riding in his "big boy" stroller, "talking", taking baths, eating (especially in the middle of the night)

E's least favorite things: Hmm. There aren't too many things. He's a pretty happy guy. He doesn't really like it when the person holding him sits down. Doesn't really love tummy time either.

As for me, I'm still breastfeeding! I made it to 3 months, which was my revised goal. We went to the lactation consultant a few weeks ago and she identified a number of potential issues - vasospasms due to Raynaud's phenomenon, a strong letdown which probably caused/causes E to bite down and E has a high arched palate (like his dad). I also saw a dermatologist who confirmed that we do not have a yeast infection. I started treating the vasospasms with heating pads, but that's really all we could do. I think that my letdown/supply must have adjusted or maybe E just got better at handling it as he got bigger because things have really improved. My nipple is still fucked, but it really doesn't hurt that much when I'm nursing. I've been pumping less often so I'm wondering if maybe the pump has been a big part of the problem all along. Who knows? I'm so relieved that I was able to reach my goal. I think that E really enjoys nursing and I'm glad that I didn't have to take that from him (although he takes to the bottle pretty well too). I probably wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't have such amazing support. Thank you to everyone!

Liquid Fucking Gold

I am so tired of hearing the phrase "liquid gold". If anyone mentions "liquid gold" to me again, they had better be talking about an ice cold beer.

In case you haven't heard, breast milk is referred to as liquid gold. I get it. It's the most healthy, most natural, most magical food you can give your baby. Fine. I don't disagree that breast milk is awesome. If I did, I wouldn't be putting myself through hell to make sure E gets it. But I believe the phrase "liquid gold" was designed to make women feel guilty. If breast milk is liquid gold, how could you possibly consider feeding your baby anything else? Even if you didn't have a choice in the matter, you hear that phrase and the implication is that what you're feeding your baby is just not as good.

We're still having a really shitty time with the breastfeeding. I won't go into all of the details, but it's been pretty awful. I spend most days in tears or in a state of panic. I'm still so angry that this is so difficult for us. I'm so sad that I'm not enjoying this with E. I'm terrified of feeding times. I spend so much time trying to decide when to pump, when to nurse, when to grab a bottle. I hate it. I know that I'm reaching the end of my rope, but I just keep trying to hold on no matter how miserable I am. All because of the lure of the liquid fucking gold.

If I'm honest with myself, I think that I will be much happier if I move on from the breastfeeding and start giving E formula. I won't be in pain. I won't have to worry about how much he is eating. I won't have to worry about when, where, how or what he is going to eat next. I believe that he will grow into a very happy and healthy boy if I feed him formula. I've seen so many other formula fed babies leading happy healthy lives. In fact, Seth recently found out that he was only breastfed for 2.5 months. He's a very happy, healthy guy. He's not obese, he doesn't have allergies and he's almost never sick. And he has a fucking PhD. Formula didn't ruin him. I guess we'll never know how glorious he would have been if he had been given liquid gold for the full first year, but I think he turned out just fine regardless.

Despite that, I just can't get myself to move on yet. I'm on a roller coaster. I'm determined to make it work. I convince myself that I'll figure it out, it will get easier. Then we hit a rough patch and I start spiraling back down. Then I tell myself that formula will be fine. I spend my free time researching formula and reading stories on Fearless Formula Feeder. I feel great. I'm going to make the switch and we'll be so happy. Then I feel my boobs fill up and I think - I have all of this liquid gold, I just need to get it to him. Just one more feed. Maybe it will be different. And then I start the cycle over again.

I'm supposed to go to the lactation center on Thursday, but I'm going to call in the morning to find out if they can see me sooner. I'm desperate. Either they will help me or I'll finally feel like I did everything I could to make it work. Hopefully I get one of the good consultants. If I get the anti-formula lady again, I will take a bottle of liquid gold and shove it up her ass.

Free Time!!

I feel like this is the first time in about two weeks that I've had access to both of my hands. Turns out babies are really needy!

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.

E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3

Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.

The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.

It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.

All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!

Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!

Breastfeeding Sucks

No pun intended. I had no idea that it was possible to absolutely hate and love something simultaneously. If I had had a free minute to write this last week, it would have been another doom and gloom post but - SPOILER ALERT - this tale has a happy ending. Or least a happy middle. Hopefully our breastfeeding saga is far from over. And hopefully it remains a happy tale.

I  mentioned before that I had a terrible engorgement experience and that E was having a hard time latching well which led to some cracked and bleeding nipples. Those are exactly as awesome as they sound. It was all incredibly painful and ridiculously frustrating. Add on the anxiety of wondering whether or not E was getting enough to eat, the guilt about being unable to do something that is supposed to be so "natural" and the pressure from the "breast is best" campaign. All of that combined to make our first two weeks together a little bit miserable. I'm not sure who cried more often - me or E. Probably me.

I think it was mostly the guilt that got to me. It broke my heart when E was hungry and he would turn toward me looking for something to eat and I couldn't give him anything. I was sad that we wouldn't get to have that special alone time together that he could never share with anyone else. I was angry too. Getting pregnant was difficult enough, why did we have to have trouble with breastfeeding too? It just seemed unfair.

We finally got in to see a lactation consultant during the second week. She confirmed that E wasn't latching well and tried to help us figure out some positions and techniques that might help him. She also mentioned that E had a tongue-tie and that his tongue was tight. After going home and Googling it, I made an appointment with an ENT specialist to see if there was anything that we could or should do about that. I was desperate for anything that might help us with the breastfeeding. The ENT doctor said that E did have a tongue-tie, but that it was mild. He said that E would mostly likely grow out of it and that he didn't believe it would ever have any impact on speech later on. We still had the option of clipping the tie, but I knew that doing so would have been an emotional decision based on my desperation so we decided not to do it.

After a few more days of misery, I decided that I just could not breastfeed. I really wanted E to get some breast milk (mostly for the antibodies) so I threw myself into exclusively pumping. It was okay the first day. I was pumping enough milk to feed E through the day and night. The problem is that that shit is time consuming. You spend 20-30 minutes giving the baby a bottle. Then you spend some time getting the baby to lay down or settle in a chair or swing. Then you spend about 30 minutes pumping. And then 10 more washing your pump parts. By the time you're done, the baby is ready to eat again. I lost it on the third day. I just felt like I wasn't getting to spend any time with E because I was too busy trying to pump. It just didn't feel like the right solution for us.

That's when I got my second (actually it was probably my third or fourth) wind. I watched some more You Tube videos on latching and gave it another try. I was so determined for this to work. And for whatever reason - it did. We got through a whole day with E breastfeeding and me not feeling any pain. And then another day and another. Who knows what happened. I'm guessing that E just sort of grew into it. Maybe he just wasn't used to opening his mouth wide enough before then. I think I also got better at holding him in a good position.

It's been about a week now and we're still doing pretty well. We have good days and bad days. Some days, he latches on perfectly and eats well. Other days, he seems to fuss a lot or falls asleep after eating for only a few minutes. I still have some anxiety about whether he's actually getting enough. We have been bottle feeding him breast milk at night. That's working well for us because I can keep track of how much he's eating and I also think it helps him sleep more soundly at night.

Post-feeding snuggles are my favorite.

It's not perfect yet. E spits up a lot when he breastfeeds. Google tells me that we might have an issue with strong letdown/oversupply. It might be that he's getting too much milk too quickly and his little stomach can't handle it. Hopefully if that's the case, the problem will sort itself out when my supply regulates. The other problem I'm still having is my anxiety. I've always had some sensory issues and I really really don't like the feeling of full boobs. When they start to fill up, I'm hyper-aware of it. It's really hard for me to ignore the feeling and I get so afraid that I'm going to get engorged again or that I'll get an infection if they don't empty right away. I really hate it and I'm just hoping that it's something I will get used to.

Breastfeeding is great and I'm really grateful that it's starting to work out for us, but I do wish there wasn't so much pressure on moms to make it work. Maybe it's the "best" (I don't know) but that doesn't mean that the other options aren't great too. It sucks that so many people (myself obviously included) feel like they're failing or giving up if they can't or don't breastfeed. I need to work on be kinder to myself. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't get pregnant and it won't be my fault if it turns out that breastfeeding is not the best choice for me and E. For now, we're doing the best that we can and we'll just have to wait and see how things go!

Hell Week

Some people told me that the first week is the hardest. Other people have said that the second week is the worst because you've lost the "we just had a baby" high. Now that E is just over two weeks I would have to say that, for us, the first week was the most difficult (though it really hasn't gotten much easier yet). There were two things that made our first week with E even more difficult than I expected:

 1) The fucking bili blanket.

The day after E was born, a nurse came by the check him for jaundice. The initial test results were a little high (his bilirubin level was 9.9, I think they were looking for below 9). They took him to lab to draw his blood and that test showed that the bilirubin was at 10.2. From that evening until we left the hospital, E had to be in a box under the bili lights. No big deal. Lots of babies have mild jaundice. I spent five days in the hospital when I was born (probably for the same reason that E had it - blood incompatibility between mom and baby).

 By the time we were ready to be discharged, E's bilirubin level had continued to increase so we were sent home with a bili blanket. If you've never seen one, it like a flexible panel about 18 inches long by 4 inches wide with bright blue bili lights. It has a big ass cord on the bottom so you have to stick it up the back of the baby's shirt and lay them down on it. We were told that E should be on the blanket round the clock unless he was being changed. Some horses said leave him on it to feed, others said it was okay to take him off it for feedings.

 I know there are much worse things that a new baby and new parents have to deal with, but the bili blanket sucked too. It was hard to hold him. It sucked to see him uncomfortable. It was tough to feed him on the blanket and when he was off the blanket, I felt like we had to rush through feedings to get him back on the lights quickly.

 We also had to get up and out of the house every morning for a 7:45 AM appointment to check his bilirubin levels. It is fucking hard to get a newborn ready and out of the house at anytime let alone that early in the morning after getting little sleep. I also hated bringing him into a germy doctor's office every day. We had to do that from day 4 through 8.

 It was also really frustrating because it was the weekend which meant we saw a different on-call doctor at each appointment. I felt like we were getting different opinions from each one. Some weren't concerned at all, others wanted us to be super strict with the blanket. It was just all so confusing.

 I'm actually convinced that the hospital and the medical supply company are running some kind of scam. I never heard of a bili blanket before we left the hospital. However, practically every single nurse or doctor that we talked to (I can think of at least five) said that their child needed a bili blanket. Really? Everyone has jaundice these days? I know it's common, but I just had a weird feeling about the whole thing.

Anyway - on Monday, day 7, they decided that E's bilirubin was at a safe level so we could stop using the blanket. We still had to go back for one more check-up on Tuesday, but even though his levels rose slightly they decided that E would be fine. We were so pumped to return that fucking blanket. (Oh and the day the medical supply people came to pick it up, another truck from the same company was delivering a bili blanket to another family in our neighborhood. Really? Scammers.)

2) Breastfeeding.
 l have always wanted to breastfeed. I am not against formula feeding at. I know plenty of healthy, happy formula fed babies. I just wanted to have that experience with my baby. However, it's been a bit of a disaster so far.

At first, it seemed like things were going okay. Two days after E was born, I noticed that my boobs were starting to look enormous. I figured that my milk was coming in or something. My nipples also started hurting between feedings as well. I figured that was normal too. A few nurses had checked on me and said that E and I looked great but when we finally saw the lactation consultant a few hours before we were discharged, she knew right away that something was wrong. She told me that E wasn't latching properly and I was on my way to an engorgement problem. She tried to help us get a good latch but since we were getting ready to leave, she highly recommended that I pump to try to prevent severe engorgement.

 It didn't help. I spent the next two days in a lot of pain thanks to my enormous, solid, lumpy boobs. They were unreal. The were so full and hard that it was impossible for E to latch at all so they just kept filling. The full feeling drove me insane. I tried expressing some milk manually, but it was so painful and it took so long to massage all of the lumps out. I was terrified of getting  an infection or having my boobs explode.

 Finally (and I don't know why I waited so long), I pumped the shit out of them and got some relief. It was amazing. We started trying nursing again, but E still couldn't get a good latch. I spent the better half of the first week crying. Because of the pain, because of the frustration, because I had no idea if E was getting enough to eat. It was tough. Breastfeeding is not easy. I can and will devote an entire post to this topic another time.


Despite all of that, we survived. It wasn't as blissful as I would have liked, but we made it through the week. E is healthy and (I think) happy. I am hopeful that things won't always be this hard even though I honestly can't see how we're going to get to that point yet.

E's Birth Story

Now that I have my new hands free pumping bra in the mail, I have a few minutes to myself (pumping counts as my personal time now) to share E's birth story. This will be long as fuck.

Monday, January 12th
9:30 AM: Monday started out like every other Monday during the past month. I woke up and headed into my OB's office for my weekly check-up. I was 39 weeks 1 day. I'd been ~90% effaced and 3 cm dilated for weeks and had been using Evening Primrose Oil for one week, so I was hoping for a bit of progress. Nothing. Everything was the same. My doctor again said that I was looking great, that baby was low and ready to go and that she didn't expect to see me for my next appointment. We did schedule a 40 week check-up and an NST just in case. My favorite nurse recommended that we continue to take long walks and have sex.

8:00 PM - 12:00 AM: So we did. About five minutes later, I started feeling period-like cramps that I was pretty sure were coming in waves. I just laid in bed quietly for a little bit before saying anything to Seth. Around 10:00, I told Seth that I was having contractions and that we should start timing them. I was really anxious about A) making sure it wasn't a false alarm and B) making sure we got to the hospital in time to get the antibiotics for the GBS. Once I figured out how to time them correctly, I realized they were coming every 4 minutes and lasting one minute. I called my mom in Philly and she insisted that I go to the hospital immediately. I decided to take a shower instead - I wanted to be as fresh as possible during L&D - but once I was in there I felt like the contractions were really coming more quickly and getting stronger. I hurried up and told Seth that we needed to leave right away. We grabbed our bags, kissed our pups good-bye and headed to the hospital!

Tuesday, January 13th 12:30 AM - 1:45 AM: By the time we got into triage, the contractions were getting stronger and I couldn't talk through them, but I managed. I remember staring at a yellow sign and just breathing through them quietly. The whole time this was happening, Seth was watching the monitor. Every time a contraction would start, his face would light up and he'd tell me that another one was coming. No shit. Part of me wanted to punch his smiling face, but mostly I just laughed. We're scientists - we love data. I knew I'd be doing the same thing if our positions were reversed. When the triage nurse finally gave me the most painful pelvic exam I have ever experienced (I was 100% sure that I wanted an epidural at this point), I was still about 90% effaced but dilated 5 cm. We were admitted and sent to a labor room!

2:00 - 6:00 AM: In the labor room, my contractions got really bad. The only thing that helped was holding on to Seth and rocking back and forth. Soon they started drawing my blood and prepping me for the epidural and I actually started to doze off which was awesome. Next came the epidural. This was by far my least favorite part of the whole experience. It is a really weird feeling. You just shouldn't feel pressure in your spine like that. It freaked me the fuck out (they need to invent an epidural for an epidural) . Luckily, they were able to get it in okay and soon I was happy and ready to get some sleep. Which I sort of did. My blood pressure was measured every 15 minutes and I had to go on an oxygen mask for most of the night (turns out E didn't like me being on my left side), but I did get some rest. Seth slept great.

6:00 AM: The nurses came in and checked me - I was only at 7 cm! WTF. It had been four hours since my last check. They told me that my doctor, Dr. F, would be in around 8:00 to check me again and decide what we were going to do. By the way, my doctor only delivers on Tuesdays. I was so pumped that I went into labor on the one day that she would actually be there. It really worked out perfectly.

8:00 AM: Dr. F arrived and it's the same story - I was only dilated 7 cm. I can't remember what we did at this point. More waiting I think. More ice chips. The most delicious ice chips I had ever tasted.

9:00 AM: My parents arrived!  They got on a 7:00 AM flight expecting to have a grandson when they landed in Florida, but that's not what happened. I'm so glad that they made it here in time. It was really nice to have them there. They were able to hang out in my room with us for awhile. Epidurals are awesome. It was like I wasn't in labor at all.

9:45 AM: Dr. F checked me again and told me that I was at 9 cm and she broke my water. We also arranged my bed so that I was sitting up in order to get the baby to move down so more. My doctor said she wanted me to hang out in that position for a few hours so that when it was time to push, the baby would just come right out. She told me that she'd be back at noon, but if I felt like I was "holding in a giant shit", I should tell the nurses so they could let her know that it was time. Yes, those were her exact words. If you know me at all, you know that I couldn't have found a more perfect doctor for me.

11:30 AM: I sent my parents to go get something to eat and around 12:00 Dr. F popped in to see how I was doing. I told her I didn't feel any different, but she decided to check me before she went to pick up her daughter (another IVF baby). Thank God she did. She said I was at 10 cm and ready to go. The next thing I know, she's calling the nurse back in and they're rearranging my bed and getting me into position to push. Despite being in labor for over 12 hours, it all seemed like it happened so fast!

12:00 PM: This next part was so much better than I ever expected it would be. It was just Seth, my doctor, a nurse and a nursing student in the room with me. My doctor had Seth and the nurse each hold one of my legs (Seth didn't expect that - I think he was pretty nervous at this point!). She actually sat in bed with me and started coaching me on how to push. We were going to push for 3 sets of 10 seconds at each contraction. We did two practice rounds before getting started. It took me two or three tries to get the hang of it, but within five minutes Seth and my doctor were telling me that they could see the baby's head (I didn't want to look). Seth was awesome. If he was still nervous, he didn't show it. He kept telling me what a great job I was doing and kept me calm and motivated. After another two or three rounds of pushing, Seth told me that the baby was almost out, that we were so close!

12:20 PM: All of a sudden, Dr. F told me to put my hands "in the middle". I had no idea what the fuck she meant, so finally someone grabbed my hands and I felt something kind of warm and squishy and Dr. F told me to pull my baby out. What?? I wasn't expecting that either. But I did it and I'm glad that I did. I reached down, grabbed under his arms and pulled my little E out into the world. This is when I finally opened my eyes. I took one look at him and started laughing and crying and reaching for him. He was perfect. He was everything I always imagined. He was mine.

They laid E on my chest for a few minutes which was amazing. They had to take him away for a bit to do some more suctioning because he was coughing a lot. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. They brought him back briefly, but had to take him away again because my doctor was stitching up a minor tear (not even close to as bad as I had imagined) and then they had to deal with some extra bleeding. They gave me a shot to help with that and then Dr. F had to stick her hand up my vag and dig around a bit, but eventually they got it under control.

The whole time this was going on,  I just wanted to hold E so badly. It felt like forever before they brought him back even though it was probably more like 10 minutes. Finally, we were ready for each other and we got to spend more skin-to-skin time together and we started breastfeeding (more on that later). It was amazing. I can't even describe the happiness, the relief, the disbelief that I felt seeing and holding my son for the first time. I don't want to ever forget that feeling. The other thing that I don't ever want to forget is the look on Seth's face when he saw his son for the first time and they way he followed him around the room. He kept looking back at me and I know he was thinking the same thing as me - He's real, he's perfect, he's mine.

So that's how little E was born. I feel like I had the perfect labor and delivery experience for me and I'm very grateful for that because I know that so often things don't work out that way. I know how lucky I am to have had such a wonderful experience and to have such a healthy little boy. I'm trying to focus on that during the rough moments - and there have been TONS of rough moments during these first two weeks. That will be the topic my next post...Hell Week.

He's here!!!

No 40 weeks post for me! I have an outside baby! My little E was born on Tuesday, January 13th at 12:20 PM (39w2d). He was 7 pounds 2 ounces and 21 inches long. He's absolutely perfect and we are so so in love with him already.

Labor and delivery was a pretty awesome experience for me. I will share E's birth story when I have more time.

Being a mother is even more amazing than I imagined, but it has definitely been a difficult five days. I'll share those details at some point too, but for now I just want to share some pictures of my little peanut!