5 Months

5 Month Check-in
Weight: E was 13 lbs 12 oz at his 4 month checkup. Since we've started combo
feeding/supplementing, he has definitely gained weight. I kind of want to take him in for a weight check to reassure myself that we're on the right track, but really there's no denying that he's doing well right now.


Height: I measured him last week and he's up to 27.5 inches - 96th percentile!

Hair: Still coming in. It always looks different - blond, light brown, strawberry blond...how did I get a blond baby?

Eyes: Blue like his papa!

Sleep: Getting better! We're having more good nights mixed in with the bad. I am afraid to jinx it but it looks like the napping strike might be coming to an end!

Milestones: When he was 4 months old, I predicted that he would be sitting by 5 months since he seemed so interested in it. But nothing happened. Then last weekend, he suddenly got the hang of sitting propped on his hands. Within a week he was sitting on his own! He's still wobbly, but he can sit without his hands and he can even reach for and play with toys. It's so much fun!

Likes: Rolling, sitting, "standing", bath time, middle of the night parties, his dogs, his outdoor swing, reading

Dislikes: Getting dressed, rolling from front to back

What's Next: We don't really have anything going on until his 6 month appointment in mid-July. Until then we'll just be hanging out having fun. We'll be taking E on his first beach vacation in two weeks and I can't wait for that!

Survival Mode

Holy shit. These past 3-4 weeks have been a nightmare. Which is funny because nightmares typically require sleep. There has been very little sleep in our home recently.

This rough patch started right after E learned to roll at 15 weeks. We had to ditch the swaddle before he was ready and it was really tough on him. He still had a strong startle reflex. It was so hard to get him down to sleep because he would wake up right away. At the worst point, he was waking up every 30-60 minutes. We would end up holding or rocking him for over an hour trying to get him into a deep enough sleep to lay him back down.

About two weeks later, E went on a napping strike. He really only naps for 30-50 minutes. A nap longer than an hour is a rare treat. I have no idea how to help him. We've tried everything - nursing to sleep, going in the crib awake, wrap sacks, zipadeezips, sleepers, sleep sheep, white noise - nothing gets him past that 50 minute mark consistently. It's tough because he's overtired and I end up spending 12 hours alone with a cranky baby.

At some point, I lost it. I had a breakdown. Seth knew I had finally reached some limit, so he took off work to stay home with me. My mom made plans to fly down to be with me for a few days. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about PPD/PPA.

I knew something wasn't right, but I wasn't sure if it was PPD/PPA. I thought it was probably just situational depression - I'm beyond exhausted and so, so lonely without any family within 1200 miles. But that one morning, the morning that I lost it, I knew that something wasn't right. I wasn't handling the every day things the way that I should be. I was getting so overwhelmed and frustrated with the littlest things and that was making the bigger things even more difficult to handle. I've seen my doctor twice now and it has helped. I'll keep seeing her as needed.

We also had E's 4 month appointment. His doctor was not impressed with his weight or weight gain. He had been at the doctor's a week before this appointment, so we knew that he had no gained an ounce. He also had not doubled his birth weight yet. They encouraged me to supplement with a little formula, but I was really resisting it. We worked so hard to breastfeed and I wasn't ready to accept that it wasn't working. However, after I talked to my doctor about the PPD/PPA, something clicked. I realized that breastfeeding was contributing so much to my anxiety. I was constantly worried that E wasn't eating enough, that something wasn't right. I was finally ready to accept that it might not be best for us.

Luckily, we found a formula that E will tolerate. At first, I was just going to go cold turkey but I didn't even get a few hours into it before I changed my mind. I still wasn't ready to let it go. I decided that I would try doing formula during the day and nurse at night. That's what I'm doing now. My new plan is to just keep doing that as long as my body keeps up.

I think that I made the right decision. I can see the difference in E. He sleeps better. Not good, but better. He's gaining weight! He just looks healthier. It's probably not something that anyone else would notice, but I see the difference. I don't know what the problem was. Maybe I had a low supply (I don't think so). Maybe he was never able to get a good latch and it was just too much work for him. I'll never know and I will always wonder what happened.

Even though I think it's for the best, I'm still very sad that nursing is coming to an end for us. I cry often. It's bringing up a lot of feeling I had before E was born. I'm angry at my body. I'm bitter that I have to add to the list of things my body is supposed to do but doesn't. I'm starting to hate hearing people talk about breastfeeding the same way I hated hearing about honeymoon, cycle 1 and condom babies. I know that breastfeeding advocates think that almost all problems are in your head or can be fixed by a lactation consultant. It really bugs me that anyone could think I didn't try hard enough for my son. Bullfuck. I've had plenty of opportunities to prove that I would and will do whatever it takes for him. I know that I did everything in my power to make it work. Continuing to breast feed exclusively would have been for me, not for E. Anyone who doesn't believe that can suck it.

For now, I'm just trying to get through one day and night at a time. On a good night, E will only wake every 3 hours, nurse and go right back to sleep. On a bad/regular night, he's up every 1.5-2 hours plus an hour long party between 2 and 4 AM. It sucks but, like they say, it won't be like this forever. Sleep deprivation is torture but it will pass. The memories I have of nursing E at night and watching the contented look on his face as he snuggles into my arms, so happy and safe, will be with me forever.

4 Months

I can't believe it's been 4 months since E was born. I still think about that day all time because I don't ever want to forget any of the details.

I am so in love with him and grateful for every second that I spend with him, but these past 4 months have definitely been full of ups and downs. Some things are better (breastfeeding and sleeping) and some things are getting worse (loneliness and anxiety, for me). I'm doing my best to take it one day at a time and focus on all of the amazing things happening in E's life.

4 Month Check-in
Weight: He doesn't have his 4 month visit until next week, but I think he's at least 13.5 pounds. Maybe even 14. It seems like he's finally growing really well. We just moved up to the 3-6 month clothes!

Height: I measured him as 25.5 - 26 inches long. He's a tall little boy!

Hair: It's finally starting to grow! Looks like it's a light reddish brown.

Eyes: They're like a denim blue and they look gray in some lights.

Sleep: Oh my gosh. Weeks 12-15 were pretty much a nightmare. He was waking up every 60-90 minutes almost every night and only getting about 6-7 hours total. This past week, we've had more good nights than bad (nursing 2-3 times, 9-10 hours of sleep) so I'm hopeful that that phase is coming to an end. For now.

Milestones: E rolled over from front to back at 13 weeks. I was so proud! At 15 weeks, we could tell that he was really trying to roll back to front. He was getting so frustrated and ended up finding his feet instead. The next day, I put him on the floor to change his diaper and he flipped right over to his belly! This time I was more horrified than proud. We were trying unsuccessfully to transition out of the swaddle and this meant we'd have to go cold turkey. Thankfully, the merlin sleepsuit is working for us because he is a little rollie pollie!

Likes: Rolling, his bunny blanket, sitting upright, mom, his puppy brothers

Dislikes: Laying down/reclining, getting dressed, getting strapped into his car seat

What's Next: E will have his 4 month visit and next round of vaccines next week. Hopefully he handles it well. I'm really looking forward to seeing how much he weighs. Breastfeeding is going pretty well now and we're supplementing with a little formula once a day (helps with my anxiety SO much) so I'm hopeful that he finally jumped above the 25th percentile.

I have no idea what E will learn to do next, but I bet he'll be sitting on his own by 5 months. Maybe he'll grow some more hair too.

3 Months

I can't believe that E is three months old. It was one year ago this week that I started stimming for E's IVF cycle. I still can't believe how incredibly lucky we have been.  It's so weird. In some ways, I can't believe he's actually here and mine and in other ways I can't even remember what my life was like without him. Every day I am grateful to have him in my life.

E is doing so well. He's a long and skinny little peanut, but he's growing really well. He was 7 pounds 2 ounces at birth and at 12 weeks, he was 11 pounds 12 ounces! He's always "talking" and laughing and lately he's been trying to eat everything that he can get his hands on. We all survived his first cold and his first trip on an airplane! We're all settling into a pretty good routine and things are much less stressful at home.

E's favorite things: playing on his play mat, going for walks with his brothers, riding in his "big boy" stroller, "talking", taking baths, eating (especially in the middle of the night)

E's least favorite things: Hmm. There aren't too many things. He's a pretty happy guy. He doesn't really like it when the person holding him sits down. Doesn't really love tummy time either.

As for me, I'm still breastfeeding! I made it to 3 months, which was my revised goal. We went to the lactation consultant a few weeks ago and she identified a number of potential issues - vasospasms due to Raynaud's phenomenon, a strong letdown which probably caused/causes E to bite down and E has a high arched palate (like his dad). I also saw a dermatologist who confirmed that we do not have a yeast infection. I started treating the vasospasms with heating pads, but that's really all we could do. I think that my letdown/supply must have adjusted or maybe E just got better at handling it as he got bigger because things have really improved. My nipple is still fucked, but it really doesn't hurt that much when I'm nursing. I've been pumping less often so I'm wondering if maybe the pump has been a big part of the problem all along. Who knows? I'm so relieved that I was able to reach my goal. I think that E really enjoys nursing and I'm glad that I didn't have to take that from him (although he takes to the bottle pretty well too). I probably wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't have such amazing support. Thank you to everyone!

Liquid Fucking Gold

I am so tired of hearing the phrase "liquid gold". If anyone mentions "liquid gold" to me again, they had better be talking about an ice cold beer.

In case you haven't heard, breast milk is referred to as liquid gold. I get it. It's the most healthy, most natural, most magical food you can give your baby. Fine. I don't disagree that breast milk is awesome. If I did, I wouldn't be putting myself through hell to make sure E gets it. But I believe the phrase "liquid gold" was designed to make women feel guilty. If breast milk is liquid gold, how could you possibly consider feeding your baby anything else? Even if you didn't have a choice in the matter, you hear that phrase and the implication is that what you're feeding your baby is just not as good.

We're still having a really shitty time with the breastfeeding. I won't go into all of the details, but it's been pretty awful. I spend most days in tears or in a state of panic. I'm still so angry that this is so difficult for us. I'm so sad that I'm not enjoying this with E. I'm terrified of feeding times. I spend so much time trying to decide when to pump, when to nurse, when to grab a bottle. I hate it. I know that I'm reaching the end of my rope, but I just keep trying to hold on no matter how miserable I am. All because of the lure of the liquid fucking gold.

If I'm honest with myself, I think that I will be much happier if I move on from the breastfeeding and start giving E formula. I won't be in pain. I won't have to worry about how much he is eating. I won't have to worry about when, where, how or what he is going to eat next. I believe that he will grow into a very happy and healthy boy if I feed him formula. I've seen so many other formula fed babies leading happy healthy lives. In fact, Seth recently found out that he was only breastfed for 2.5 months. He's a very happy, healthy guy. He's not obese, he doesn't have allergies and he's almost never sick. And he has a fucking PhD. Formula didn't ruin him. I guess we'll never know how glorious he would have been if he had been given liquid gold for the full first year, but I think he turned out just fine regardless.

Despite that, I just can't get myself to move on yet. I'm on a roller coaster. I'm determined to make it work. I convince myself that I'll figure it out, it will get easier. Then we hit a rough patch and I start spiraling back down. Then I tell myself that formula will be fine. I spend my free time researching formula and reading stories on Fearless Formula Feeder. I feel great. I'm going to make the switch and we'll be so happy. Then I feel my boobs fill up and I think - I have all of this liquid gold, I just need to get it to him. Just one more feed. Maybe it will be different. And then I start the cycle over again.

I'm supposed to go to the lactation center on Thursday, but I'm going to call in the morning to find out if they can see me sooner. I'm desperate. Either they will help me or I'll finally feel like I did everything I could to make it work. Hopefully I get one of the good consultants. If I get the anti-formula lady again, I will take a bottle of liquid gold and shove it up her ass.

Free Time!!

I feel like this is the first time in about two weeks that I've had access to both of my hands. Turns out babies are really needy!

First, I want to say thank you to everyone for their support and encouragement on my post about breastfeeding. I never got a chance to sit down at the computer to respond to each of you, but I read each comment (more than once) and it meant so much to me.

E is about 6.5 weeks now! He's awesome. He's spending more time awake and he loves to smile and play on his activity mat. He's getting pretty good at his little push-ups during tummy time. He's also super nosy and he loves to lean back and just stare at my face, which I absolutely love <3

Like I said, I haven't had much free time the past two weeks. Things have been a little rough. The sleep deprivation is really hitting me. E rarely sleeps more than 2 hours at a time and often it's less than 2 hours. During the day, he usually refuses to nap in his crib. It's hard to find time to eat or shower. I'm usually home by myself for 11+ a hours a day and it's really lonely. When Seth gets home, he takes the baby but I spend my "free time" making dinner and doing laundry. Around dinner time, I start to get anxiety about getting through another night with little sleep.

The other big problem has been the breastfeeding. Things were going so well and then all of sudden last week we started having issues again. E fusses and wiggles around while he's eating and my nips are really damaged. We do have a mild case of thrush and I'm really, really hoping that that is causing the trouble for us. I've had a few miserable days, but I keep reminding myself not to give up on our worst day. Hopefully this will pass after we finish our treatment.

It's not just the physical pain that bothers me though. I'm still dealing with a ton of guilt and anger about the whole thing. I've spent a day or two (or ten) just crying through feedings. I'm so angry that we missed out on so many experiences because of IF and I'm angry that my body is still "failing" me. There are still so many mental and emotional scars from IF and I don't think they will ever go away.

All that said - those things are temporary! I will sleep again. Breastfeeding will get better or it won't and I'll finally decide that the best decision for us is to stop. In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every second because I know he's going to grow up so fast. In fact, E finally grew out of his newborn clothes. I cried packing them up yesterday. Ah well. On to the next batch of cute outfits!

Note: It took me over 36 hours to finish this post so I guess I'm not that free. But we are getting more sleep! I'm happy to report that E officially "slept through the night" last night. He slept for 5.5 hours, ate and then slept for 3.5 hours more. It was amazing. Though in true first-time-mom fashion, I only slept for 4 hours during the first stretch because I was worrying that something was wrong!

Breastfeeding Sucks

No pun intended. I had no idea that it was possible to absolutely hate and love something simultaneously. If I had had a free minute to write this last week, it would have been another doom and gloom post but - SPOILER ALERT - this tale has a happy ending. Or least a happy middle. Hopefully our breastfeeding saga is far from over. And hopefully it remains a happy tale.

I  mentioned before that I had a terrible engorgement experience and that E was having a hard time latching well which led to some cracked and bleeding nipples. Those are exactly as awesome as they sound. It was all incredibly painful and ridiculously frustrating. Add on the anxiety of wondering whether or not E was getting enough to eat, the guilt about being unable to do something that is supposed to be so "natural" and the pressure from the "breast is best" campaign. All of that combined to make our first two weeks together a little bit miserable. I'm not sure who cried more often - me or E. Probably me.

I think it was mostly the guilt that got to me. It broke my heart when E was hungry and he would turn toward me looking for something to eat and I couldn't give him anything. I was sad that we wouldn't get to have that special alone time together that he could never share with anyone else. I was angry too. Getting pregnant was difficult enough, why did we have to have trouble with breastfeeding too? It just seemed unfair.

We finally got in to see a lactation consultant during the second week. She confirmed that E wasn't latching well and tried to help us figure out some positions and techniques that might help him. She also mentioned that E had a tongue-tie and that his tongue was tight. After going home and Googling it, I made an appointment with an ENT specialist to see if there was anything that we could or should do about that. I was desperate for anything that might help us with the breastfeeding. The ENT doctor said that E did have a tongue-tie, but that it was mild. He said that E would mostly likely grow out of it and that he didn't believe it would ever have any impact on speech later on. We still had the option of clipping the tie, but I knew that doing so would have been an emotional decision based on my desperation so we decided not to do it.

After a few more days of misery, I decided that I just could not breastfeed. I really wanted E to get some breast milk (mostly for the antibodies) so I threw myself into exclusively pumping. It was okay the first day. I was pumping enough milk to feed E through the day and night. The problem is that that shit is time consuming. You spend 20-30 minutes giving the baby a bottle. Then you spend some time getting the baby to lay down or settle in a chair or swing. Then you spend about 30 minutes pumping. And then 10 more washing your pump parts. By the time you're done, the baby is ready to eat again. I lost it on the third day. I just felt like I wasn't getting to spend any time with E because I was too busy trying to pump. It just didn't feel like the right solution for us.

That's when I got my second (actually it was probably my third or fourth) wind. I watched some more You Tube videos on latching and gave it another try. I was so determined for this to work. And for whatever reason - it did. We got through a whole day with E breastfeeding and me not feeling any pain. And then another day and another. Who knows what happened. I'm guessing that E just sort of grew into it. Maybe he just wasn't used to opening his mouth wide enough before then. I think I also got better at holding him in a good position.

It's been about a week now and we're still doing pretty well. We have good days and bad days. Some days, he latches on perfectly and eats well. Other days, he seems to fuss a lot or falls asleep after eating for only a few minutes. I still have some anxiety about whether he's actually getting enough. We have been bottle feeding him breast milk at night. That's working well for us because I can keep track of how much he's eating and I also think it helps him sleep more soundly at night.

Post-feeding snuggles are my favorite.

It's not perfect yet. E spits up a lot when he breastfeeds. Google tells me that we might have an issue with strong letdown/oversupply. It might be that he's getting too much milk too quickly and his little stomach can't handle it. Hopefully if that's the case, the problem will sort itself out when my supply regulates. The other problem I'm still having is my anxiety. I've always had some sensory issues and I really really don't like the feeling of full boobs. When they start to fill up, I'm hyper-aware of it. It's really hard for me to ignore the feeling and I get so afraid that I'm going to get engorged again or that I'll get an infection if they don't empty right away. I really hate it and I'm just hoping that it's something I will get used to.

Breastfeeding is great and I'm really grateful that it's starting to work out for us, but I do wish there wasn't so much pressure on moms to make it work. Maybe it's the "best" (I don't know) but that doesn't mean that the other options aren't great too. It sucks that so many people (myself obviously included) feel like they're failing or giving up if they can't or don't breastfeed. I need to work on be kinder to myself. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't get pregnant and it won't be my fault if it turns out that breastfeeding is not the best choice for me and E. For now, we're doing the best that we can and we'll just have to wait and see how things go!